Meshugener Gay: Musings of a 40 something gay man

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2011-03-21T13:35:00.002-04:00

Hi,
I haven't blogged much lately.
Life has just gotten busy and I am in a big of sexual angst.
I love the man I am with but we haven't had sex in over a year. We are very tender and physical with each other, kissing, cuddling and touching, but it doesn't result in sex. After eight years together we have gravitated to what works and avoid the tension when sex happens. Part of it is that we see sex so differently.

No matter if I am with a friend, lover, or stranger I tend to be passionate. I look for connection watch eyes, try to be responsive, but also like the mutual tug-of-war that goes on when two men get together.

The bf is a typical dominant top, he gets off on being served and dominating - two things that I find a turn-off.

So we avoid our difference and love each other for who we are.

Porn Actors Fade Away

2010-02-20T11:28:00.001-05:00

Before I ever had sex with a man, I used to go to a web site called Live and Raw (it is still there – looked it up). Had Live sex shows and chat a chat room associated. In the end I went there more to chat and roleplay more than watch the porn. It is where I met the first guy I ever had sex with and it was the bridge to helping me come out. Of course Live and Raw is not the point of this post – Casey Williams is.

Casey was a second tier porn actor. I have seen most to the videos he has done and none really did him justice. He was a regular on Live and Raw often moderating the chat rooms or filming the action. His scenes were always the hottest. It was as if left to his own devices he could have sex the way he wanted. He hasn’t done porn in years (I think) and was wondering what he was up to. Its sort of a fascination of mine – I think porn actors who actually live to be older – what happens to them – do they settle down and work retail?

My New Hero

2010-02-20T00:34:00.002-05:00

Read this interview. Man does this guy tell it like it is.

http://www.advocate.com/News/Daily_News/2010/02/18/Military_Religious_Freedom_Foundation/

Whenever a virulent form of any religion has engaged the machinery of the state -– and by that, I’m talking about the armed forces, where the sticks and stones are that break our bones -- we end up with oceans and oceans of blood. And it’s happening again now.

-- Michael "Mikey" L. Weinstein, President, Military Religious Freedom Foundation

Baggy Jeans

2010-02-20T00:31:00.001-05:00

I just watched a guy walk off the bus. He has on those baggy jeans that hang so low on his hips that you wonder were exactly his crotch is and if that is really comfortable. Having watched a Family Guy dvd last night where Peter sues his Doctor for sexual molestation because of a prostate exam … I was thinking that those jeans might have something to do with hetrosexual american men’s fear of being fucked.

Think of it. If something is really bad a guy says “You are fucked” As if that is a bad thing. And if it is really horrible “Man not only were you fuck but you got fucked up the ass – hard.” Once again as a gay man – we think that is not a bad thing –but the latent homosexuality – the ultimate fear is being violated. Go back to Family Guy and the prostate exam – Peter freaks out because his doctor touched his ass. All the other men in down cringe like rape victims when then talk about it. It was funny and offensive at the same time. The key is the fear of violation and how out of touch with their bodies all the characters were. Even though this was cartoon and comedy I think it represent that American male and his fear of gay men.

So we get back to the baggy jeans – they are baggy because they hide my ass – protecting my inner fears.

What is love anyway

2010-02-17T19:21:00.001-05:00

So the bf and I are sitting on the couch. He asks me if you can know someone loves you just by what they do or how they behave towards you. And I think, of course, but being ever careful to random thoughts that seem to come out of no where, pause and ask. “…why do you ask.” After nearly eight years together I should know when I am about to fall into a trap versus his brain firing-off. Fortunately this was neither – he was responding to a friends of his Valentine’s Day post. The BF asserted that “love” is a “feeling” and that actions mean nothing if you don’t have that feeling. Did someone hear that tree fall in the forest? Yes, we were about to wade into the great mind body debate and I was just not going to go there.

All of this makes me think back to a time when people married out of convenience or duty and over the year bonded over something we would call love. Can we really love someone at first sight? I think possibly the bf would say he fell in love with me the moment we met and it took me a year to fall in love with him. That first day there was something about him that I definitely was intrigued by,but maybe that was just his feeling for me that I read. I think he was trying to show it and thinking back – I felt it. As we walked out of the coffee shop – and made the chit chat that people on an exploratory “coffee date” do, I tapped his arm and said that I wanted to see him again – and was clear that I don’t play games. He was caught off guard and stoic. In some ways he still is.

Time Flies

2010-01-26T20:10:00.001-05:00

I wish I could regale you with stories of my sexual exploits the last two weeks, but the fact is besides lots of time watching porn and working too much nothing happened. Part of me can feel a certain satisfaction that I didn’t have sex while my bf was away, but in all honestly that satisfaction is a lie. I would of, if I could have so in the end I am just a looser.

For those who haven’t been devoted reader of my sporadic blogging (and who could blame you) in the eight or so years I have been with the bf – he has travelled often for work. In those times I often try and only rarely succeed to explore. I have met three different gay men – all also in long term relationships, with whom the sex is very good. In all of the cases, I enjoy them as people – really enjoy the sex. However, given the demands of discretion we are rarely able to meet-up.

In the eight years even though we have a loving relationship the actual sex has diminished to almost nothing.

I like to use the euphemism that we aren’t well matched sexually or another way to put it is that we have different tastes. However, in the end it would be more realistic to say that we have both stopped trying. I mostly blame myself. Judgmentally, it is clear that he has intimacy issues and that given that I recognize this I should make the effort to bridge this. Of course this is not fair – I think he would say that he is a dominant top and not being submissive in any way we were never well matched. A deeper analysis would ask why I can’t get in touch with my submissive side if only to please the man I love – but even though I can enjoy taking a cock up my ass – I just can’t beg to be used. It just doesn’t work for me.

So after a crazy week of 14 hour days at work – I picked-up the bf at the airport and I really missed him. At night in bed as we cuddled, it felt right.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

2010-01-07T20:38:00.001-05:00

For most of the seven years I have been “with” the bf, he has travelled regularly for work. Generally, this has been a few days once a month or as much a two-weeks every six months or so. During these small times apart, we stall in touch by phone. These times have also given me an opportunity to spend some time by myself and have occasional adventures. Since I have kept my own place and generally spend 90% of my time at his house when he is in town – these business trips have been invaluable pressure valves in our relationship.

Five months ago – the bf’s employment shifted as he hasn’t been on a trip since. It has been nice to have him around, but I was beginning to feel torn. Since I live in two locations I was beginning to feel ungrounded – needing to readjust and find some terra firma. I also was looking forward to a chance to reconnect with some old friends and fuck buddies.

There are some who would say my need for these holidays points to a flaw in our relationship – and you may be right – but in some ways it works – giving us a breathe of fresh air and a time for distance to kick in and make the heart grow fonder.

He is leaving in a day … I am definitely having feeling of sadness and anxiety, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that part of me is excited. Stay tuned!

Happiness Cycles

2010-01-06T21:41:00.003-05:00

I am 44.

The other day I was thinking about whether I was happy. Actually, I was really questioning when I forgot how to be happy. At the moment I was feeling sad, trapped and stagnating.

It just seems like somewhere along the way I lost the ability to find joy in the moment and understand how to live in the moment. I was pondering this while driving from a work meeting that kept me at the office until a bit past 8:00. Maybe I was just tired; regardless, there was nothing about my day, or the meeting or the fact that I was heading home to a loving boyfriend who moments ago on the telephone expressed genuine joy about the fact that I was indeed on my way to see him rather than go to my house. And yet I was sort of sad and pondering existential happiness.

For some reason I associate such existential dilemmas on adolescents. As a teenager I don’t believe I had this kind of angst, but it is the kind of spiral of that launches into the meaning of life and ends in a drunken stupor that I see as the struggle of the teen years. A more precise analysis would probably conclude that these crisis’s is cyclical. At many stages of our lives we look at where we are and start to think it is not where we want to be so we start to wax and spin about loosing something and missing some sort of past innocence.

It is easy to chock this all up to fear of impending mortality. It is easy to say all we need to do is be more zen and accept. All life might be suffering and it might be better to let it go, but what is the fun in that? The fact is every twelve to fifteen years (if we are lucky) we are going to look down at the wrinkles in our hands and wonder where did the fingers of youth go?

As children we long to be older so we can be taller or have more freedom or finally have sex. When was the point when we began to look backwards. Was it sometime in our twenties when we realized that this is all there is. (There is a good song with those lyrics).

Now at 44 I am healthy, financially stable and in relatively good shape. I am one of those gay men who can look back at the twenty something version of me and honestly say I am in better shape. My face was more youthful, but it wasn’t until my early 30’s that I started eating right and working out – so its not like I want to return to the body of that me – but I do long to go back and make some different decisions, to not have been afraid to leave the closet and really have a chance to explore.

In this cycle – I hope I can make peace with the me who mature, looks good with a few wrinkles and open to living life to the fullest.

New Year

2010-01-06T21:41:00.001-05:00

So I have neglected this blog for the fall. I want to attempt to be more regular about my posting. This means that there may be more mundane thoughts about life and less sex, but that may be the price of more regular posting.

When I began this blog I was reading a number of other bloggers. Some have stopped others have accomplished what they hoped to through the blogging process. Right now I am at a place in my life where it would be good to write regularly and use this as a place to figure something's out.

If you are following, drop me a line so I know someone is out there.

Thanks

Meshugener

Internet Tragedy

2009-09-18T13:52:00.003-04:00

I have a buddy online who I have known for over six years. When we started chatting he was completely closeted and over the six years he grew a lot, eventually met another closeted guy and they began to date. We would chat on msn. He was a very sexual person who was really growing into a mature gay relationship. Recently I noticed he wasn't online so I emailed him to see what is going on - I even emailed his bf. Yesterday I got an email from his bf which said:

"I have not been online for sometime. I suspect the same is true of Adam. We are no longer together. It is a long sordid story and probably Adam should tell it. I am struggling with my feelings. I still love Adam, but i guess i knew from the beginning it would not last, and I am the fool for thinking it would. I will tell you this much; Adam has been outed and he has run for cover. I am grateful that I have not been outed (at least not to my family) but i can see the day coming when I will tell them."

I don't know the details but what I suspect is that being out was too much and they broke off contact. This makes me sad for a number of reasons. First, I consider this guy a friend and my heart goes out to him. As a friend I wish I could help. I am sure he is lonely, isolated and scared. I have no idea how to get a hold of him or offer support I don't even know his last name. Two months ago I found out his father died in freak accident - I couldn't send a condolence card - because once again I didn't know his last name or address.

This is such a freakish world we live in because people we care about are mere ghosts. They can vanish and don't exist.

I would like to write more about the tragedy of love that is lost, but wanted to vent about how people can vanish in our internet world.

Watersports

2009-08-25T23:48:00.002-04:00

So I need to catch up on stories ... in the midst of all the craziness I have hooked up twice with a bud in the last couple of weeks. Like always the sex is hot. The last time - he said he wanted to try some watersports. I thought we would never do it - we just get busy in the bed room and never make it to the bath room to really try it, but I had to pee - so we moved to the bathtub - he sort of laid down and asked me to pee on his chest and dick ... luckily this was not turning me on so my hard-on softened a bit and I let a bit off - he wanted me to save some so I could pee on his ass cheeks ... turns out it wasn't doing much for him either so we showered clean - and got back to business ...

... more later

Like a Hamster on a Tread Mill

2009-08-07T15:00:00.003-04:00

It seems like we are destined to repeat patterns. All my life I tend to over program, over commit - and get myself too involved. Right now besides a busy work schedule I have two moon lighting jobs and running a volunteer thing that could be a full-time job for many - I still try to get to the gym 5x a week.

I feel like a Hamster on treadmill.

To make it worse I am having a rare outbreak of control issues. Instead of delegating some design things I am insisting on doing them myself even though I don't have time to play graphic designer ...

Deep breathes - of course last night at almost midnight instead of sleeping I was chatting on line and watching porn - so in the midst of all this craziness I squandered two valuable hours jacking off - does this make rational sense to anyone?

Conversation

2009-06-27T17:34:00.002-04:00

I had this chat with a buddy of mine from Dudesnude.com

Scroll down his last post - very hot!

Buddy: Doing ok. Just read emails........off to bed. Long day. Late for YOU to be on here! GET TO SLEEP! ASAP!!! (You are married!?) Take Care Buddy

23 Jun 2009, 19:39
You: Hey my bf is out of town so I like to play ...

25 Jun 2009, 12:53
Buddy: GET TO HOUSTON THEN! I am headed to Charlotte in July. ;)

26 Jun 2009, 00:09
You: Are you moving to Charlotte or just vacationing?

Why not visit Boston we would have a wild visit

26 Jun 2009, 00:46
Buddy: Yes! You + Me + BF Hmmmmmmm That would be fun.......have you two ever? IT is fun........ I am headed to Charlotte to visit a friends Mother........Who through the years have stayed in contact with. Such a Fun Nice Lady(80's) Her son Michael passed away back in 1991. She misses him Dearly. Brings him up each time we talk. Felt it was time to SEE her while all is ok and she is still with us. :) Hmmmmmmmm

26 Jun 2009, 21:56
You: You are such a good boy.

We have done one threeway at a sauna in london. It was hot.

However, if you ever come to Boston I want you all to myself!

27 Jun 2009, 09:08
Buddy: I wonder after reading your Profile.....how much TROUBLE you really get into! Hmmmmmm! ;) So. Tell me who did what in the three way. Loved to have watched and then joined in. From what I remember your BETTER half ;) was nice looking. As far as Friends......Look for Good people. If you go into it looking at them as possible sex, etc. Not good long term. Then again it does work out... I have 5 long term Best Friends. All have been around longer then 10 years. YES I would want to Be with You as well........then maybe more with hubby. *(just to see how he fucks......maybe teach him by letting him watch me fuck you and how we both would really be into it ;) Sorry about loosing your job a while back. I did in 2000 One day just out the door. 17 years there. Crushed. Now. Love what I do but money is tight. I should have new pics on my site soon(someone is working on it for me for $$$ :*( Well, YOU BE GOOD

27 Jun 2009, 10:09
You: How much trouble?
Well, about two or three times a year I see one of three buds. All also have partners. We have a great time and its cool. Besides that I am a good boy. Wish you could teach my bf - the honest truth is we are all damaged in some ways - and I am not sure anyone can repair him but himself. I love him as he is - but sometimes I just have different needs that I am not sure he can fulfill.

Although it all sounds hot.

The threeway in the sauna in London - he fucked this guy from behind while the guy sucked me - I can remember - he had a shaved head and held his smooth head on my cock as I watched my bf pound him from behind - some stranger was working my nipples - it was pretty hot.

Odd you mentioned the job - I am supposed to have drinks with my old boss and last night I had dreams - still have lots of anger - although I love being a professor - directing a thesis program has is fun!

You sculpture is great so its good you changed!

can't wait to see the picks stud!

27 Jun 2009, 11:19
Buddy: Does the boyfriend Not want or mention a three way to you? How did the First one Happen......talked about beforehand? He is ok with it? You two talked afterwards? Just wondering what is in His mind. Tell him your desires.....needs in a good close loveing setting! ;) Then let him Fuck You for me............. ;*(

27 Jun 2009, 12:01
You: He has a hang up about threeways - when he was single he got into a messy thing with a couple - so he is cool with threeways when there is no potential for repeats like when we are in a sauna in London.

He liked the piggy raw(not unsafe but in the slutty sense) aspect of sex - he has an issue with intimacy - when we talk about sex and our issues he just says that I really don't like to bottom and we just like different things-he likes to dominate and I hate to submit and we are just different - what he doesn't understand is that getting off is okay but sometimes I need him to poor his love for me into the sex ... I don't know if I am explaining this right - but say when I give him a bj or a handjob he zones out - isn't there - I could be anyone - and that is alright sometimes, but its a chore to always have to refocus your partner in being "there" so I give up - does any of this make sense?

27 Jun 2009, 16:57
Buddy: It does............Not sure how to bring New Life back into that area for you. Books? Who knows. I can understand (at times) that most likely he is Fantizing while you suck him off.........just so he can focus....? I still think sometimes of a Coach from High School Down on me when in fact it is just someone ;) He says YOU don't want to bottom........for You want it slower, love making at times(which I love) vs him pounding that Sweet Ass of Yours ;) I have been with Aggressive people...they feel like sex has to be something they learned in a movie, etc....I slow them down.......gently touch them all over.......give body/back rubs to start......then get more sensual by licking Everywhere! Builds them up to Wanting it......then I slow Fuck them kissing and Chest to Chest Fucking for a while....then pull back some and take hold of his Cock and stroke him until we cum together...... Love that! Now! Can that be the same way All the time with the same person....Nope. Have to change things up......Just a Fast Good Fuck sometimes and get on with the day is good too! Let him have his way with you several times.........(lucky man) and see how it feels, works.....if he is more interested and then will take his time by you slowing him up. I love blindfolding one of my buddies.....while I have sex with him. It seems to change how you feel things. You FEEL everything vs sight. Next time you two get together and he is wanting to be sucked. Try a blindfold. Just try it. Towel over the eyes down to the nose area. Touch him all over very Very lightly! then start licking him.......his groin, legs(inner thigh), balls, chest, ribs, side of neck, then go down on him.....slowly softly with mouth only...then start using your hand with mouth and very wet....as you sense him getting closer.....just ever so slightly start to grasp a little more firm and stick out your tongue while your mouth is still going down on him and you are stroking him. Should be a Very Good Cum! :)

27 Jun 2009, 17:27
You: Oh man, why can't I be one of your buddies.

That email got me rock hard!

Seriously, it is very sweet of your to give advice. I really appreciate it and will try some of that stuff. As with all relationships it is just complicated. The day in and day out makes it easier to ignore problem and just appreciate each other - he is very sweet and loving person.

However, no matter how much I love him - there are certain people I have met on here that it would be lovely to have a night to enjoy each other - my sense is that you are a very good lover - just the way you talk about sex.

Glad I met you on here!

Now I am back to studying.

2009-06-26T23:50:00.002-04:00

So sometimes it is better to live inside one's head
it is hard to live the life we want
and when we get a chance to do actually climb
the air gets thin

Down here on earth we have choices
Biting from the apple does nourish
the question is did the snake give it to us?

Just plain horny

2009-06-17T16:46:00.002-04:00

Sitting here at work and I have a list of things to do, but man am I horny. I am dying to log on to manhunt or gay.com and see if any guys want to hook-up, but its too dangerous to use the internet at work for that stuff. Makes me want to pay the extra 20 a month and get internet on my phone so I can cruise for sex. Of course as I write that it makes me feel like an addict – needing my fix of internet porn or cruising. I suppose sex is an addiction. We men like to think of our constant jacking off as just our way of dealing with the genetic imperative to propagate the species. Since we can’t go around impregnating females we might as well jerk-off. As gay men it becomes almost a raison d’être. I have cum therefore I am.

Roll-over and assume the position

2009-06-12T17:21:00.002-04:00

“Roll-over and assume the position,” was what I thought I heard as I was coming out of a deep sleep. BF had gotten up and I was vaguely aware of what was going on. His dick was hard and he was grabbing a towel and lube.

“What position? ... huh, what are you talking about ...” I croaked, stretched and rolled back over on the pillow.

“Head down – ass-up, “ he replied and crawled into bed.

“Sweetie – I am not awake and my stomache hurts,” every hour since 4 am I had been woken up with stomach pains ... next thing I knew he had given up on fucking me and was on his back jacking-off. Waves of guilt rolled over me and in my sleep addled state all the issues of our sexually dysfunctional relationship. After all neither of us has initiated sex in months and now he is asking and I am not only not fully awake, nor in the mood and to top it off – a bit funky because of my stomach. Half asleep I made an attempt to help and eyes closed played with his nipples as he jacked off.

Eventually he asked me to suck his nipples and he came. As his orgasm rocked through he cradled my head lovingly as I continued to flick my tongue over his nipples. Somehow the cuddle affirmed everything to me – yes I could rant and rave about how we are on different planets about sex. ..

... I could get on my pedestal about how the statement “roll over and assumed the position,” is so wrong when said to a sleeping bf.

.... I could beat myself up for not being the submissive bottom that my bf wants or beat him up for his inability to communicate his love and intimacy to me through sex.

In the end I love him.

He loves me.

And no matter how fucked up our sex life is – we have each other.

Don't Roll your Eyes

2009-06-08T15:50:00.001-04:00

Our fair city is blessed with a series of paths that run along the river allowing one to bike/walk/ run from lots of areas to the downtown. It takes me about an hour to get from my house to my office all along the river with some minor crossing of streets and traffic.

On my way to work this morning I got to one part of the route where the pavement gets narrow, so that as a biker I have to be careful about pedestrians and runners. Generally, I warn people and tell them I am on their right or left and as I pass usually say thank-you.

So I see ahead of me two women jogging side by side. There was a narrow space between them and a fence. So I yelled ahead, but there was not response, they were too plugged into their IPods. As I got closer I said it again. Once again no response. Finally I shouted and one of the women pulled the other closer so I could pass. As I rode past I gave them a dirty look. The one woman yelled at me “don’t roll your eyes.” I decided not to reply but it really pissed me off.

We all have to share the road and have a responsibility to be aware of our surroundings. Clueless people who are so plugged in and cannot hear what is around them need to unplug and observe the rules of the road.

So I will continue to roll my eyes at clueless people!

What do bottoms think?

2009-05-28T11:28:00.002-04:00

So even though I like being fucked as much as the next guy, I have to admit that I rarely crave it. In the heat of the moment sure I sometimes enjoy it, but when I am get horny I never think "... man I need a cock in me ..." its mostly about connection and the physical grinding of hot man to man fun.

When I have had bad sexual experiences it has been the while being fucked I loose interest. Usually, its a dominant top who just wants to pound and treat me like meat. The fucking doesn't feel bad it just doesn't feel like anything.

So I was curious about guys who crave cock up their ass? Big bottoms who just like to be pounded. What is going on in your head? Are you in a zone? Are you focused on the man above you? Can you visually you are being violated? What is it all about?

Late Night Ramble

2009-05-28T00:03:00.003-04:00

So work has been busy.

I have been studying a lot for exams. Took one today - think I did alright - I definitely felt prepared. The next couple of weeks will be late nights at work big presentations.

Been trying to get to the gym a lot. I think the last two weeks I might have gotten there 6x a week. Hopefully with all that is on my plate I can keep it up. Its probably vanity but the truth is most of my life I have carried around the image of the slightly chunky nerd boy - who had a disdain for team sports. As I came to accept myself as a gay man I realized that those jocks with the hot bodies and comfort with themselves was the man I wanted to be. I like being physical and I have begun to embrace that. Right now my body is decent. With a push it could be hot, but I am not sure that is why I am pushing myself, I guess as I hit 44 this year keeping fit is about not giving into age. Gan't help posting Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig because they are over 40 and hot!

Its funny had some big drama with the bf. He dropped some bombs and then its back to normal. Been processing and thinking a lot about it. Ultimately I have got to be willing to show him the side of myself that wants to go dancing or hang out at gay pride or just be more out in the world. He doesn't have this need, but unless I show him that side of myself it will always be a double life that strangles me.

Finding my voice

2009-05-19T11:39:00.002-04:00

Anyone that knows me will say that I am a pretty outspoken person. I can be very blunt and especially in a meeting situation will be someone who says what everyone else doesn't have the nerve to say.

However, when it comes to personally confronting someone in my life - I freeze up. Its like I have lost my voice. What makes it worse is that the thoughts rattle in my head, I have dreams about yelling and people and get a stomach ache.This is just a gratuitous hunky image because I haven't given y'all any eye candy

Caught: honesty, anonymity and life

2009-05-18T09:50:00.003-04:00

This was a hard weekend. In my personal life a couple bombshells were dropped including my bf finding out about my ad on manhunt.

I have to be honest I have been seriously thinking of pulling this blog. We like to fool ourselves that we can have this hidden double internet life and when part of that life becomes discovered it not only shatters the illusions but makes us want to hide. I am saying "we" because I have seen this on other blogs and have always wished the blogger kept writing. However, if I use this space as a shared diary telling things to strangers that I wouldn't want those close to me to know the importance of this shattered anonymity is critical. How honest can I be here if I am terrified about being discovered?

So here is the story.
I love my bf. The first year of the relationship was rocky and I came to that love kicking in screaming because he didn't have what I wanted in a relationship: he wasn't jewish, he has an explosive temper and after an outburst is done - doesn't want to talk about it; he doesn't appreciate art or design, he isn't a communicator, he is not by nature an open or a person of generous spirit. As time went on our love grew because: he adores me, I can be my complete silly unedited self (except sexually), we really enjoy travelling and spending time together and the most important thing, WE WANT TO BE WITH EACH OTHER. I know this may seem odd to some of you, but in my experience half of the success of a relationship is that simple decision to be with each other. Anyhow, by year two of the relationship I figured out two things: first, we are not sexually compatible and two, I needed more. I set-up a twisted logic. As long as he didn't know and I protected him - I could keep my sexual explorations to myself. By finding out about the manhunt ad it shatterd that. Of course I could have used that moment to come completely clean but something inside me stopped and I didn't.

So for those at home who have been wondering why I call this blog "meshugener" today's post exposes things about me and my life I consider crazy/screwed-up and a bit off. Take out your score cards kids cause he come the final tally:
a) My desire for a double life
b) Willing to say things on here that I wouldn't want the people I love know about
c) Continueing to gloss over the truth when presented with the opportunity to make things better.

Well, I have to run but there is a lot more I would like to say on this subject ...

Does any of this make sense to anyone out there?

Everyone has a bad hookup

2009-05-10T21:40:00.004-04:00

Many years ago I hooked up with this guy on gay.com. We will call him S.

It wasn't long after I started having sex with men and I don't remember him all that well. He was in his early 30's short, thin, slightly hairy and jewish. He fucked me and I think I came twice which he thought was the coolest thing. Over the years I have "bumped" into him on gay.com and we talked about doing again. For a couple years we tried to a threeway with another guy, but it never happened. In fact through S that I met P. P and hooked up a number of times and had fun sex before P moved to Atlanta.

Flash forwward to a month ago when S hit me up on gay.com and we talked about getting together. S is now married to his bf and they have adopted children but he still wants some adventure. He keeps wanting me to find a partner for the threeway. With his schedule it is really hard and most of the time I would rather just stay with the FB that I have such trouble seeing.

So last week he emails me and introduces me to B. B has the house to himself for a month. So we started talking abuot getting together. So today, I started chatting with B on gay.com today and we decided that I would come over after the gym. I got there - he wasn't really my type but I had driven all that way so we started making out and it really wasn't working for me - I felt bad and tried to stay cause he was all excited, but he started going at my nips a bit too aggressively and I looked up and saw pictures of his daughters - and I was completely not into it and apologized and left.

I feel horrible, but it just wasn't working for me.

How it should be when two men come together

2009-05-09T15:39:00.006-04:00

So five minutes ago my buddy K left.

K is also partnered. Met him on Manhunt - took about two years to finally meet - turns-out he lives five minutes away. We see each other about twice a year. He is 48 5'-6" slim, nicely muscled with a trimmed chest. We never have enough time but the time we do is always great. Today he said he has about a half hour between a haircut and the gym and said he would come over and get me off. I said he isn't coming over unless he enjoys himself too.

So I met him at the door in red gym shorts, white t-shirt no underwear or socks.

We started making out the second he was in the door.

"I thought you were going to be naked...?" he said and I remembered that I told him in my email that I would be waiting naked and ready.

"I got lazy ..." and he started undressing me as we made out him fully dressed. He gently push my hands to the front door and started licking my nips my hard cock jammed against his shorts. It felt hot to be standing naked in the entry to my house with him fully dressed. Chills ran up my spine cock throbbing. He moved up to my face our lips barely touching and then smiled impishly and backed away lips just out of reach and then coming close my cock slipping between his legs rubbing against his shorts. His hand reaching around it and slowly stroking. His fingers tweaking my nips. "is that porn you have on?" I laughed, "...yeah I left it on upstairs ..."

I suggested going upstairs but first wanted to grab my shorts from the floor, he wrapped his hands around me from behind and held me - rubbing his hands over my torso. "leave them." Naked I walked up the stairs ahead of him - my ass cheeks wiggling - an open invitation for him to slap them.

Upstairs we got to the side of my bed and were making out again. I have to admit that I stopped writing and grabbed lunch and now only an hour later the details are fuzzy. What remains in my head is the sensual way our bodies came together at the side of the bed. How his body fit perfectly next to me and how I thought this is the way it should be when two men come together. Lips, hands and bodies coming together for mutual pleasure.

I have a fleeting memory of him undressing and our bodies coming together. Licking his neck, shoulders and then my tongue flicking between arm pit and pec. My hands lightly tracing his shoulders, tongue flicking over one nipple and then the other. Planting kisses down his torso until I buried my face in the crook between thigh and balls, nose in his bush, licking. Opening wide I opened my mouth wide and took his cock deep in my mouth. Many would say K has a small dick - I would say it is medium and perfect. Maybe six inches and cut I can easily let it hit the back of my mouth and hold it there letting it fill my mouth. Love just to hold it there and hear him moan as his hands knead my shoulders, my mouth slowly working back up, tongue sliding up him. I really got into sucking him, slow and deep.

Rewind to a couple posts ago

2009-05-07T11:22:00.002-04:00

So like a tease - a couple months ago I posted that I had mixed feelings about my bf leaving on a business trip. I love him and whenever he leaves I know I will miss him, but the same time I look forward to the freedom and the chance for some sexual adventure.

More and more I think about how dysfunctional our relationship is in regards to sex. For the past two years I have been stubborn in refusing to deal with it. I often wonder what he thinks. Doesn't he miss having sex. He says - getting off is getting off, but doesn't he miss sharing that passion with the man he loves. My sexual fantasies have been more and more like a Harlequin romance - just more and more explicit. Yes, we kiss and cuddle but actual sexual communication is non-existent and like an elephant in the room we just ignore it - completely!

The bottom line is I manage the idiosyncrasies of so many people. Managing people and not expressing myself is about survival. Trying to untangle the mess the bf and I have about sex is just one task I am not up for right now and will put me over the edge.

Lame

2009-05-05T20:24:00.002-04:00

Yes, this is the obligatory I am so lame for ignoring my blog post.
Now is the obligatory moment where I whine about the fact that it didn't seem to matter to anyone.

The truth is that I think often about writing - usually in places where I don't have access to the internet. I would like to use this as a space to write and record thoughts and ideas - and if anyone listens cool but who knows ...

Freedom or Sorrow

2009-02-25T11:25:00.002-05:00

This morning I drove the BF to the airport. He is going to be gone for a couple weeks for a business trip in Asia. I am going to miss him. At the same time I am looking forward to the freedom. Deep down I don't find it odd or psychologically tenuous to have this sadness of him leaving for so long and simultaneously looking forward to the time it will allow for me to do things that I usually don't while he is around. The part that some in society would question is the fact that I view this time as a sexual playground. The moralists out there will judge. And I suppose a blog titled "Meshugener" seems appropriate for someone who has constructed such denials.

The upshot is that I am going to try to blog daily during this time about how I use my freedom and what I do with the feeling of sexual expectation that this freedom has unleashed.

At the same time only one person has my heart - explain that if you can!

Its the little things

2009-02-09T10:12:00.002-05:00

Okay gentle readers, if you have a spare barf bag taken as a souvenir from a flight, please pull it out now, because this post may sicken some of you.

This morning, like most mornings I got up while the bf was still asleep. I took a shower and then headed downstairs to dress while eating. Arriving in the kitchen, I found the electric kettle boiled, a bowl of cereal ready, with a banana, spoon, napkin all ready for the milk.

The bf got up, set up my breakfast and went back to sleep. I know it is silly, but that tiny act made me smile and filled me with love. Yes, sexually we don't have a great relationship, but its the little things that fill me with love and sometimes you got to share it, even if it is a bit nauseating.

2009-02-04T17:12:00.003-05:00

So I got an email from a friend the other day and he made the following comment:

"Is there something about...for gay boys, the quest for the father figure, especially if we did not connect that well, that often with our own fathers? And if some of us didn't connect to them, then do we seek, either subliminally or consciously, mates who embody some element that our fathers did not?

And is this quest for perhaps complimentary partners just an offshoot of that quest?

I don't know. It's very fuzzy to me. But like a shadow on the other side of opaque glass, I think there's something there. Could be a monster, could be a mouse, but there's a truth to the types of guys who turn us on, (beyond just the looks) and what we perhaps didn't get as boys.

AND...this is the kicker...perhaps we get older, and wiser, and learn, and then the men who inspired us when we were "boys", no longer inspire the AWE as we are "men." And perhaps that's why we grow apart from our first partners in ways that would never allow us to go back."

My first reaction was ewwwwww, I don't want to be with anyone like my Dad. Don't get me wrong I love my father, but the thought of being in love with him is another story. And yet when I look at who I have chosen to be with, he is very much like my Dad and the roles in our relationship are very similar to that of my mother and father. I am not talking about silly shallow card-board assumption of who is passive or aggressive or who is fem and butch. Rather I am blunt, pragmatic, more of doer, whereas my bf is more spacey, cerebral, repressed. We all fall in to roles no matter how much we try to avoid it.

2009-01-16T00:16:00.002-05:00

So its late.
Work has been full of long days but been doing some real exhilarating stuff. I am sitting in bed wearing boxer and a t-shirt with my laptop on my lap. In one corner a porn is playing with the sound off. My cock is half hard as my body feels the exhaustion and yet I feel a stirring need. If you walked through the door of my bedroom I would smile and gesture for you to come round the side of the bed. My hand would wrap around your waist and pull you close as you lean down to wrap your lips around mine, our head tilting, lips grazing lightly - just getting a feel for each other. Stepping back you strip naked and stretch. Pulling back the covers I invite you in, our bodies sliding together as we kiss. My leg slides between yours our cocks touch as I pull you on top of me-kisses becoming more forceful. Wrapping my heals around the back of your thighs I gently nibble on your earlobe hands running down your back ... smiling I look into your eyes - Thanks for coming over!

Default Bottom

2009-01-06T22:56:00.006-05:00

Am I really a bottom?

Funny how one's gay sexual identity is tied to sexual position. The problem is that the answer to the question is so much more complex. I know gay men who love the feeling of getting fucked. They love the feel of cock in their ass, massaging their prostate. I know other gay men who are so into physically getting fucked, but get off on being fucked mentally. They love a tough man on top of them or behind them pounding their ass. Of course their are men who truth be told enjoy the sensation of being fucked, but can't over the stigma in their heads that being fucked is a position of weakness or submission so they mentally can't enjoy what they physically like.

There are so many stigmas to being "fucked up the ass". In slang terms to be "fucked up the ass" is the ultimate in being hosed, shit on, degraded. The general connotation is very degrading and I assume that some men enjoy being a bottom for the humiliation and submissive aspect of it. However, if you sexual predilections don't run to the submissive or sadomasochistic, the thought of putting yourself in this position can be very hard to take.

Truth be told I never decided I was a top or a bottom. With my first couple sex partners I was interested in both. Being less experienced I fell more on the receiving end rather than giving, but was I a bottom. It wasn't until I was with my current bf that the issue came to a head. My current bf views himself as a top (although I have fucked him a couple times). His tastes run to dominance and he likes his sex physical rather than romantic (I can explain better if I ever finish the post on sexual autism). Where the conflict arose was that I seem to receive the best receiving sensation if I am on top of a guy basically riding. Guess it is what you would call pretty aggressive bottoming. If your partner is dominant and a bit fussy - these two do not mix. Once my bf said that I wasn't really a bottom - he knew what a real bottom was - and they like to lay there and just take it.

For a while all of this was confusing.

Well let me make a confession. One reason I do not attempt to top more is an insecurity about cumming prematurely. If you are like me and can cum at the drop of a dime, the sensation of a nice tight ass, can make you blow in seconds. It just takes the fun out of it, worrying that I will cum too soon and not satisfy the man under me or ruin my rare chance to fuck a hot ass. Even if I love the feeling.

What is my ideal?

I once had a fuck bud who could kiss for hours. He was very sexual and fun and accepting. Sex wasn't about roles, or positions it was just about enjoying and doing what felt right. Both he and I could cum multiple times and just enjoyed spending time in bed. Whether I fucked him or he fucked me didn't matter. He understood I was trigger happy and was more than happy to give me a blow job and fuck me and then for my third try let me fuck him. If I could cum a third time cool or not I fucked him until he came. It was all good.

So I guess you could say I am a default bottom. Do I enjoy being pounded by a big cock - not really, but if a hot guy presses the right buttons do I sometimes hop on and enjoy a dick up my ass? Sure thing. At least that is my story right now and I am sticking to it.

Where am I?

2009-01-06T16:46:00.003-05:00

I got comment on my last post from Collegehooker boy - asking where I was?

First, I want to thank him for inspiring me to write and as sappy as it may sound caring whether I post or not ...

I am not a big fan of new years resolutions of promises to change my life tomorrow that I won't do today. The fact is with the holidays, starting a new job, snow storm and spending my productive blogging time usually jacking off to porn I haven't blogged as much as I would like.

So instead of whining abuot the blogging I intend to do or promise to do I am just going to write.

Right now I have a an old falcon porn up "huge 2". The opening scene two guys are lifting weights on a patio and start going at it. The first thing that happens is a guy is bench pressing and the guy spotting pulls out his dick and the other guy pulls himself up on the bar and swallows his cock. This playing around on the bench is one of my all time sexual fantasies. Later when one of the guys is eating the other guys ass, his hips tilted up I am thinking how much I just want to dive in and join the fun. I haven't eaten a hot smooth ass in over six months and I can just imagine licking, teasing, chewing and probing a hot muscular ass with my tongue. Like kissing, for me rimming is an art form. Something that should be savored. It is all about listening to the reaction and then working to drive the man crazy. Using various techniques to build the pleasure, sometimes diving in with your tongue, sometimes pulling back and just lightly blowing. Other times scraping some razor stubble over the tender ass lips and then soothing them with my tongue ....

My BF is Sexual Autistic

2009-01-01T22:53:00.003-05:00

Warning: This post is sexually explicit don't read it if you are offended by graphic descriptions of sex.

Disclaimer: In using the term "autism" do I mean to disparage or make light of significant disorder. Let me apologize in advance if I offend anyone by using this term.
"Autism is a brain development disorder that is characterized by impaired social interaction and communication ..." from Wikipedia entry on Autism

So after not having sex with the exception of a random handjob here and there for nearly six months, my bf and I had what you could call sex. People ask me what is wrong with your sex life and this experience encapsulated it all. Let me tell the story ...

John Stewart Once again goes to the point!

2008-12-11T17:09:00.004-05:00

If you haven't yet seen this video please watch it!

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=213349&title=mike-huckabee-pt.-2

Lots of bloggers have written about this ...
- http://crooksandliars.com/silentpatriot/jon-stewart-vs-mike-huckabee-gay-mar
- http://bucknakedpolitics.typepad.com/buck_naked_politics/2008/12/a-crucial-jon-stewart-interview-with-mike-huckabee.html

My two cents ... Huckabee at one point says that gay marriage is an attempt to complete redefine the nature of marriage. The odd thing is that gay marriage is actually a huge affirmation of the institution! Many people in the gay community question why we would want to ape a hetero sexual institution - and I think this is an interesting discussion but most importantly, it symbolizes the hate and fear American feels towards gay people.

As John Stewart says - we protect religion which is more a lifestyle choice ... man this pisses me off!

Reason # 29 Why we Don't Have Sex

2008-12-07T21:17:00.002-05:00

So the other night my bf and I are watching TV.

Some extra in a scene is hot and he says ...

"I could blindfold him and fuck him."

and I say:

"He is hot, but I can think of better things to do than blind fold him ..."

More on this later.

Stand-up and be counted

2008-11-14T17:22:00.002-05:00

For the past week and a half I have been dealing with my own issues with being laid-off and haven't had time to write about the vote in California to not allow gay marriage. Proposition 8 and its failure is a stunning blow against civil rights.

However, we can stand up and be counted. Some cool people have organized protests around the country.

GO

more information at:

http://jointheimpact.wetpaint.com/?t=anon

Cyber Top

2008-10-29T23:32:00.003-04:00

Let me come clean. In real life I mostly bottom. Is it because I prefer to be fucked - not really. Trust be told I don't crave being fucked, sometimes I like it, sometimes I put up with it to please who I am with and sometimes I roll over cause I am insecure on top.

Here's the deal. I am a closet top or wanna be or a top in my own imagination. Why all evasion about sexual position? Simple I tend to cum easily, so sliding into a tight ass is frustrating cause I want to enjoy a slow deep fuck in a tight hole, but what usually happens is me worrying about cumming too soon, cumming too soon, not enjoying it because I am embarrassed and was too worried.

I know stop whining and wave that sexy ass in the air.

Well if I am chatting on line - for some reason guys often want me to fuck them. Maybe its because of my love of writing, but doing an IM roleplay I give a great fuck. Sweet, loving and deep I know what makes a good cyber fuck. Its partially listening and responding to make the imagination spark and the online typing hot. The other part is being on the receiving end I just fuck how I like to be fucked. Today I was online and this guy I chat with - mostly just friendly stuff we rarely ever to the sex-chat-thang, but today he got me to cyber fuck him good. Started out slow and deep but ended up with me slamming his ass on top of my desk...

This whole top or bottom dichotomy is weird to me. The best sex I have had was with this really versatile guy. We would spend hours in bed kissing and flipping. Usually I would have cum once or twice before he wanted to me to fuck him or he had already fucked me so it wasn't so much about cumming it was having good fun sex!

Sex after eight years

2008-10-27T11:08:00.003-04:00

So the bf and I took a hike on Sunday and when we got back I decided to throw in a load of laundry. Didn't have a full load so I said to the bf did he have anything else to wash - next thing I know a naked bf is throwing his clothing in. Not a big deal but the next thing he says to me is - now that I am naked - you might as well give me a handjob. I wasn't really in the mood, but I am always bitching about lack of sex life so I came upstairs. He was already on the bed in position, pretty soft. So I leaned down and started sucking him. Slowly at first, partially cause he wasn't hard and partially cause when I blow someone I really like to enjoy the feeling of a dick slipping past my lips. He was starting to get hard and made some comment about I might need to suck him more aggressively if he is going to get anything out of it.

Part of me thought "fuck you" and part of me said - you bitch about your sex life, make an effort. BF has a dominant streak and gets into being serviced - and I am constantly saying I just need to get into the role. Fact is being dominated does NOTHING for me sexually, or at least part of personality fights it tooth and nail. I sometimes think if I just give into it I may enjoy it, but so far the verdict is NOT. Anyhow I started sucking him like he likes, mostly lips on the head, and hand working the tip of the head. I looked up at one point and his eyes were closed and I could have been a green alien and he wouldn't have know.

Now, I don't consider myself a champion cock sucker. The fact is bobbing down about a half-inch on is fat 8" makes my jaw ache. I find that if someone likes variation in their cock-suckers I can succeed much better, but if you just want me to concentrate on one spot and slobber on your big fat cock head, it is going to get tired fast. So I switched to just my hand. Eventually, the bf called me by my first name (something he rarely does in our day-to-day life- usually I am referred to by a variety of pet names - I am only get the first name when he is pissed or during sex). So I crawled next to him on the bed - his hand directed me to suck his nipple and I continued to stroke him.

Eventually he came - when I got up to wash my hands he wanted me to lay down so he could give me a hand job. At first I said that is alright. The whole thing didn't do much for my libido. However, he was being insistant and rejecting being pleasured (however much on his terms) probably wouldn't be a good idea. The fact is, when he jerks me off - it isn't very sensual - it is sort of mechanical. I tend to be a bit trigger happy and wish he would edge me and build it up and let me calm down once or twice - maybe even make-out or enjoy each others bodies rather than see how quickly he can get me to blow; which usually doesn't take too long. As usual after I came he kept stroking me even when it was sensitive and I was screaming for him to stop. Okay I am whining now, but at the moment I was laughing hysterically and that felt sort of good. A cathartic deep torturous laugh-fit. Maybe I do have a bit of masochistic streak.

The nice part is we took a shower together afterwards. It is one of the odd parts of our relationship, we are very kissie and touchy and cuddley and loving but when it comes to sweaty passionate sex something seems to misfire. In the shower, he lovingly scrubbed my back with this great sex salt and essential oil back scrub (oh I am such a scratch whore!)

Laid Off

2008-10-25T22:38:00.002-04:00

So, Friday I demanded that one of the partners of my firm sit down with me and tell me what is going on and I found out that I was being laid off. Sort of odd that I had to instigate the discussion. Luckily I have money saved and it may be a good thing in the long run.

However, after twelve years there it is sad it has come to this. The partner I felt was my friend has gone silent. mostly because he is embarrassed and doesn't know what to say. This is a huge disappointment. They are laying me off and it is like I have done something wrong. Like I am a leper. I will keep my anger in check, take a deep breathe and leave with dignity.

I am looking forward to having more time to write, workout and re-group. Luckily I have had offers of support from friends and family so my safety net is in good position. Between money saved and and frugal living I should be able to ride this one out.

Was thinking of starting an alternate blog for just sex stories, but I will intermingle fantasy, real life and general banality to keep any regular readers on their toes.

So I may be laid-off but I am going to lay back and try to enjoy,

Would I do it for money?

2008-10-22T16:45:00.003-04:00

With the economy getting scary I am been a bit worried about loosing my job.

Bottom line my company is not doing good and I am freaked.

When I first finished grad school we were in the height of the recession of 1990. It took me years to find a job and I was very poor. In the last year or two I was finally feeling like I was doing okay and put in an order for a new car - not the cheapest car I could find but a perfectly nice VW Jetta Sportwagon TDI 6-speed. It met my criteria for getting over 30 mpg and had a few luxuries. At 43 thought I could afford a nice car. Now I may cancel the order and looking at job options and other ways to make money.

Would anyone pay to fuck a 43 year old with a decent body, cute face and what I am told is a great ass? And the more important question is could I really sell my body? Could you? maybe I should set up a poll?

Random Thoughts

2008-09-16T22:02:00.003-04:00

Tonight I made a presentation. It was to provide information to the larger community about the project that a committee I am on is doing. The project hasn't been going well and some in the community are getting snarky. In an effort to be transparent we have been hosting information sessions. I do my dog and pony show, answer questions, smile and make nice. I am good at this sort of thing. Tonight's audience was easy - they were mostly elderly and sort of sweet. Afterwards two members of the committee stayed behind and one really paid me this huge compliment about how good I am in front of groups like this. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I don't take compliments well. In truth, my style in working a room is mellow, sort of disarming, I often mess up facts and am glad that I had the support of a few of the committee members to remind me of details - especially in front of a group my brain doesn't always function when it comes to anything that has to do with facts - waxing eloquently about a conundrum I am pretty good at.

So after the meeting I call the bf. He doesn't pick up his cell phone but for some odd reason I go over anyhow. He was asleep on the couch and asked what I was doing there (here?). He thought I said I wasn't coming over - and in fact I said I may not come over. I probably shouldn't. At home I could have done laundry, pay bills, whacked to porn, but here I have to be a bit quiet and am limited. Consequently I am surfing the web and writing this post.

Why did I come over?

It really was an odd thing to do because I miss being at home and often bemoan my lack of opportunity to spend time there. At the same time I do love my bf and want to live with him some day - oddly one of my main motivations to live with him has to do with the fractured life I life now. I want to be with him and live a normal existance which means that when I am late at a meeting I don't get exiled to my house but I come back to the place I belong. Does this make any sense - I am not sure it makes sense to me. Regardless here I am. Even though he is passed out on the couch snoring - it feels right.

Whiney Conservatives

2008-09-10T10:54:00.006-04:00

Okay something about Sarah Palin really pisses me off. However, what really gets my blood boiling is the whiney conservatives who come to her defense. Former acting Massachusetts Governer Jane Swift is now head of "truth squad" defending Sarah Palin. Jane Swift is upset about Barak Obama's comment on Sarah Palin's reformist credentials as "putting lipstick on a pig." Many things are upsetting about the conservative defense of Palin:
- first, yeah she talk about being a reformist but in instances like the so called "bridge to nowhere (actually is a bridge to the airport) that Palin claims not to have wanted - she actually canceled the bridge but Alaska still took the money - so her opposition is like putting lipstick on a pig, dressing up wasteful federal spending that as govenor she took advantage of ...
- second, conservatives always say that feminists are whining when they claim media bias - but in this case - it seems like this conservative isn't willing to live by her record ...?
- and last - John McCain has flip-flopped his entire career - seemed like a maverick while representing the rich corporate establishment - a fiesty, populist sounding woman is just putting lipstick on an old tired politician.

Sarah Palin

2008-09-04T14:52:00.002-04:00

Is it mysogynist to say that last night she sounds like a smarmey, self-important, privilaged white women who is enamored by her own myth?

What it just me - who found her condescending?

Was my negative reaction because she was a woman or that most things that came out of her mouth seemed like scripted from the republican marketing machine that is selling us bankrupt feel good drivel that feel like a pedaphile offering a lollipop to a child?

I apologize - I usually can have a constructive dialogue about politics with most republicans because I try to be civil - but I am tired of being civil ... Sarah Palin drove me over the edge!

Moody

2008-08-08T23:58:00.004-04:00

So we are watching Grosse Point Blank and I am drinking wine and being silly. Chair dancing to the sound-track and suddenly he turns off the TV. Goes to the bathroom and when he comes back he checks his email and turns off the TV and goes up to bed. Not one word.

What would you do?

I was a bit tipsy from the wine so I surfed the web until I felt steady. Quietly crept into his room to get the pants I took off from work with my wallet and money and went home. He might have been just tired - or I pissed him off, but I am happier at home - watching the opening ceremony of the Olympics, surfing Logo and writing blog entries.

T-shirts

2008-08-08T22:46:00.004-04:00

The other day I was chatting with the bf about the appropriateness of t-shirt under a shirt. It got me thinking about how we learn about fashion and carry around norms in our head about what is right and wrong.

I am one of those people who generally wears a white crew neck t-shirt under most things. I didn't even own a wife-beater until I met the bf. I own a lot of white crews t-shirts and wear them under dress shirts and your basic cotton polo. In the summer I will wear them under a short sleeve shirt - the thought of wearing a shirt without one seems to me to be a bit naked.

Now, I know some guys wear beaters. You can see them under dress shirts, through short sleeve shirts, in the gym and out in the public. Did their father's wear them? Do they think they look hot or are just more comfy in them.

There is a tendancy to equate this divide in the t-shirt world to class or cultural preference. I am sure the fashionistas could opine on what to wear when - but we all have our own sense of fashion ...

Very Behind

2008-07-19T02:50:00.003-04:00

Well there is a lot to tell y'all but I am going to bed I am tired. Went out dancing tonight and had a rare good time. Mostly because I ended up flirting and making out with this guy on the dance floor. More to come on that. Last weekend I had a sex with a married man and met up with an old fuck bud - both worthy of a nice and sexy post - of course in the midst of all this fun - I was stood up by a friend - had a strange and disturbing annual performance review and a good friends dad dropped dead of a heart attack. Once again all of these things are worthy of a post or two.

Will someone keep me honest and make sure I write about them.

The Married Man

2008-07-12T15:23:00.005-04:00

As any reader of this blog knows I chat online and meet guys from all over. Occasionally, someone married who lives nearby contacts me - nothing ever comes of it, usually they are married, older or not attractive. More often even if the stars aligned - given my living situation and relationship - I am in as bad a position to host as a married man.

Well the star aligned.

I got an email from a guy I chatted with a couple months back. At first I couldn't place him, but he reminded me - and I thought why not - for the first time in forever, not only is the bf out of town, but so were my housemates. I sent him an email simply stating that if he wanted he could come over. About 5 emails and three hours later he walked in my door.

About 5'10, blond, tan, trim, slight but well built in jeans and polo shirt - he was an attractive man. He looked a bit like that '80's falcon star Jim Bentley - thick kinda lips lean compact build. He was nervous and we chatted for about five minutes and I got him closer on the couch and said sometimes its good to break the ice by just touching. So I put my hand on his knee and encourages him to touch my arm and in no time we wore making out like mad man. For a married man who hasn't done this for years and mostly blow jobs at gym saunas he was like a duck to water.

The thing about every married guy I have been with (and got to fess up - he is only my third) is that when they get the chance to feel comfy and truly be passionate with a man - they are like tigers. We were awkwardly twisting on the couch as our lips mashed together. His hands are roaming all over me - so I shift over and sit on his lap, knees sliding along his waist wrap my hands around his head and kiss him deep.

To be continued ...

Back from the Brink

2008-07-07T13:37:00.002-04:00

One of the reasons I haven't posted in a bit is that the fight with the bf kept going on and on - until I really thought it was over. I brought dinner over to patch things up (after dramatically removing much of my stuff from his house) and we ended up in a huge fight. In these situations I become an emotional basket case and he becomes the icy cold prosecutor from hell. Of course it escalates because I am trying to find common ground and just dig deeper and deeper into distrust and misunderstanding. So I left - trying to look calm but the minute I got into my car - I started sobbing like a baby. All I could think of was that I didn't want to go home and cry alone so I started dialing friends. Of course I couldn't get ahold of any of them. I even contemplated going back to the bf's (don't ask me the fucked up logic on that one).

So as I pull into my driveway my cell phone rings.

It is the bf.

He proceeds to apologize for being a jerk.

Now I am trying to stop sobbing so I can talk to him - and he proceeds to keep apologizing about how he can't help himself and he never wants to hurt me blah blah blah.

Don't know what to say, but I accepted his apology. Part of me says after six years I shouldn't have to put up with this, but the other part says - we have fights like this once a year and I do love him.

Anyhow - I had a lovely birthday thanks to him and we are having a good time together - for now I am sticking it out.

Who loves you baby?

2008-06-25T22:38:00.003-04:00

In the past three months three guys have told me they can't talk to me anymore because they love me and knowing I am unavailable hurts them too much.

Mind you I have never met any of these guys in person.

Okay a little context, all three of these guys I met in a gay chat room. All of them I have chatted with over an extended period of time. All of them started as just cyber sex buddies but over time we shared bits of our lives with each other. All of them confided in me and me in them - and advise and care/interest in each others lives passed back and forth. I had considered them all friends. All of them I had talked on the phone with at least once. I did harbor fantasies of lust-filled encounters if we ever met. That is the fantasy someone you actually connect with and have passionate intimate sex. I definitely cared for these guys in a brotherly friendly sense.

BUT LOVE?

Now off-line in real life - people just don't fall in love with me. They just don't declare what a kind, sexy sympathetic person I am. Generally I get ignored (sometimes even by my bf). Now the scary part is that I generally view myself as a good judge of character - both on and off-line. All of these guys seemed genuine, stable and decent - accept for one thing - they have invented a deep and painful love with someone they never met.

Now even in my most egotistically moments I would never say that I am that special that I leap off the internet and into a man's heart. You got to question - are people that lonely, or out of touch with reality to fall in love with someone they have met on-line. Call me cynical - but I may lust after someone, I may fantasize about a night of intimacy that fills the void in my own life, but is it just me or is something odd here?

Rehearsing

2008-06-22T08:42:00.004-04:00

So whenever the bf and I have a squabble ( I have decided not to call it a fight because we didn't really fight over anything in particular - I said something - he took offense got pissy and suggested I leave - it wasn't like we disagreed on anything).

So anyhow when such things happen rehearse what I want to say to him in my head over and over. I should be sleeping right now, but I woke up after 5-1/2 hours of sleep to go pee and instead of falling asleep I started rehearsing again. What was rattling around in my neurotic brain?

Well I rehearsed the call where I asked him when it would be best to pick-up my stuff. Then I rehearsed what I would say if he questioned what I was doing. Something like ..."I think it is best for the next couple of weeks if I don't come over here. If we want to get together we can go to dinner or do something, but for the short-term I would rather not come over here. Feel free to come over to my house if you would want."

Now I kept tossing around finding a way to share with him how much this all upset me. That I had trouble sleeping, and how hurt I feel, but it just felt manipulative and could turn into a fight because it was like was wagging a finger at him pointing and saying "look what you have done" trying to make him feel guilty.

I am trying to remain calm - matter-of-fact. I am trying to turn a corner and either he can come with me or not. It would be easy to fall into the same old patterns, keep treading water, but I don't think I can do it anymore. we either go forward together - now that is what I do want to say to him - something like "... I don't know what form our relationship in the future will take, but we can work that out together, I am just tired of fighting about the same things and feeling on edge - I have some needs - I am sure you have your needs we just need to figure out the middle ground where it works for both of us." This is where i can see him saying something like "... I need (insert cute nickname he uses to refer to me that I am too embarrassed to print here)."

And at that point I might just melt.

Or say something bitchy.

Or break his heart and that will hurt the most.

What I am feeling

2008-06-21T23:49:00.002-04:00

So tonight I had a silly fight with my bf that ended up with me leaving his place after I finished my slice of pizza. As I drove home I sort of decided that I was done. Maybe not done with him in the sense of breaking up, but done with having these silly fights that result in spending a Saturday night alone. Not that spending a Saturday night alone is so bad, but after six years to have a fight because I questioned what was on the TV (which I was not consulted on) and being accused of being controlling and telling him what he can do on his free time - is just wrong. We just have different views about what it means to be in a relationship, and I for one am tired of doing the work, making the compromises and caretaking. I have done it all my life and I am tired. In two weeks I turn 43 and it is time I grew up and asserted myself.

Now of course in the midst of all this outrages and self-empowerment is a feeling of deep sadness. I do love him. And I miss him, but as a relationship we have hit a wall and its time to draw a line in the sand. He can grow up with me or be left behind. I am still sad.

So I go home and talk it out with my housemate - I think to preserve her anonymity I will rename her - Jill. We had a nice talk - mostly because we talked and it wasn't all about me - but she did point something out - the bf can either focus on me or him but cannot understand the "us". Now language like this mostly makes me vomit. Its too new age. But sometimes it really describes something. In this case the bf can sometimes be very unselfish - will do whatever I want - for example if i want to go to a restaurant - he will do it for me. And sometimes it is all about him (the handjob I gave him the other day). But in or out of the bedroom we don't make collective decisions or activities that are about the couple.

We are always debating living together - even though until tonight I did spend about 90% of my time over there. But I was always camping and trying to figure out when my stay was welcome or not. After six years that is an odd place to be in.

So I am sad.

So even though it wasn't said - and he probably doesn't understand what happened - we are sort of over. I will give him a chance, but I am not going over there again. If he wants to see me we can go to dinner. I just need to pull back and live my own life for a bit.

Guess for a little bit this blog will be about me trying to figure out what I want and who I am what happens with me and the bf - sorry if that bores anyone - it may get me to write more for those who like reading what I have to say.

Gross Thoughts

2008-06-04T22:46:00.002-04:00

Okay if pooping grosses you out stop reading - and I am not talking about scat (for the record I say anything to do with shit and sex is just a big ewwwwwwwwwwww)

Here is the story.

I am in the toilet and I start thinking about evolution. Supposedly evolutionary traits are selected as part of the survival of the species. Frogs who can jump further get away from more predators so they survive to breed. Some of these selections are more complex and I am sure I am completely misrepresenting how evolutionary biology works, but my crazy brain begins to think about the prostate how it developed as part of the human digestive tract and a source of pleasure for men. My only conclusion was that if pooping was completely pleasureless, maybe early man avoided it and died of obstructed bowels.

I know even to be thinking of these things is just meshugener!

Preppy?

2008-05-26T15:16:00.003-04:00

When I was younger the preppy handbook came out - which was mystifying to me. A world of Chips and Buffys was strange to a nice jewish boy growing up in the southwest. My brother being the alienated member of the family he is embraced the preppy mantra and wanted to be like his friend Craig - whose family were as WASP as they come. At some point in his teenage years I remember my brother screaming at the family because we were not more like Craig's family, but i digress ...

... today I was surfing the guys on dudesnude and found a strange profile from the Netherlands with "preppy" as part of it. Now being a loyal reader of the London Preppy Blog - it suddenly hit me how odd that is that preppy has become a style descriptor used world over. For the past 20 years I have lived in New England - and learned about a social world of prep which is all about boarding schools, ivy league colleges and sailing. The clothing is about a lifestyle. A very specific lifestyle. And even though I may be caught in clothing loosely resembling these people I hardly think that I am one of them or want to be ...

Without me

2008-05-24T16:27:00.002-04:00

This morning my bf got up before me. Being Saturday I wanted to sleep in. When I came downstairs he let out a moan and exploded into the fleshjack he was using as he watched porn on his laptop.

Okay its cool I was sleeping.

So as the day wore on I changed the lock on his garage door. Went to Home Depot, ran by my house to pick up some tools - got distracted in a hunt for something and ended up getting back to finish the job a couple hours later. When i got there he was jacking off again to porn ...

Now all of this would not be a problem, but we haven't had full on sex with each other in a bit. Neither has made a move to initiate anything. Its like we avoid each other for sex and take care of ourselves.

What's wrong with this picture?

Lossing my Voice

2008-05-24T10:17:00.004-04:00

I chair a committee at my Temple. For anyone out there who does any volunteer work you know how dicey working with other volunteers can be. We may come to the venture with all the best intentions, but in the end egos get in the way. As a leader I try to stay above the fray and model patience, listening and search for concensus. I am not a saint, but I don't try to petty either. If a less stable person lashes out, I generally take it in stride, take a deep breathe and let it pass.

For the last month the entire community has been plagued by a person with an ax to grind. She is obsessed with a single issue and has been repeated told that people don't agree with her. Finally she seems to be internalizing the fact that she has lost that battle but now wants to be put on the committee. To add insult to injury she keeps asking for my phone number.

I have repeatedly told her that I don't give my phone number out and she has started a campaign to require that people who chair committees to give out their phone numbers.

The strangest thing is that this women is psychologist.

On advice of other people - I have decide not to engage her or respond to any of her allegations or baiting words. The problem is doing so drives me crazy. I feel like a lost my voice.

I remember years ago when I tried to reconnect with my older brother. As we sat in a coffee shop he started to say all sorts of things about my parents. Part of my brain shut down and I didn't respond - realizing there was no way to communicate within and not wanting a fight. I lost my voice that night too.

Caught with our pants down

2008-05-23T09:45:00.003-04:00

I generally don't blog about current events or political issues even though these issues are very much on my mind. Being a obsessive NPR listener and news junkie I can't help but look at the current gas price hike and American's feeling like their balls are in a vice and just raise my eyebrows and say:

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?

We are 2-5 years away from cars being released that get decent gas mileage.

Most American cities do not have any decent mass transit options.

We have delayed serious research/implementations of alternative fuels energy generation when we had the chance.

I am old enough to remember the gas crisis of the mid-70's and the fledgling attempts at conservation then - that petered out and died.

I laugh at the SUV drivers who are getting 14 mpg.

I cry at the fact on how few options there are for 30+ mpg vehicles.

Basically America got caught with its pants down and it will be at least 5-10 years of real hard times as we re-think, re-tool and fight back to a point where we can stabalize from the price of high energy. I would feel glib if it didn't affect all of us and know for a substantial amounts of my hard working fellow americans this is really going to hurt!

Oh I found this image while looking for a pants down appropriate image - its hot and positive and a turn-on - so maybe as a silver-lining we can not use our cars AC - rip off our shirts and go for it!

Active fantasy life

2008-05-19T15:21:00.007-04:00

As some of my regular readers know - I often log on to a gay chat rooms and engage in all sorts of hot chatting - sometimes just friendly - other times play-out scenes so hot - I cum in my pants. A couple guys are regulars; the majority I have no clue whether they are the hot studs they pretend to be or are really much older, fatter and less hot. A select few I have actually seen pictures of and really do believe they are who they say.

There is one guy who goes by the nickname bijock23 - he says he is 6'5 223 black blue 7 c. I think his name is Josh and he is somewhere in the NY/NJ area. I chatted with him today and man-oh-man they keyboard sizzles when we chat. I am totally in lust with this guy - and if he is half the lover he comes across on the computer then I don't really care what he looks like. Of course I doubt we would ever meet but if we did it might be something like what I wrote in this post months back .... Night with my bud (I know I need to finish that story)

It is interesting when you connect with someone in online chat - both of you seem to hit the right buttons in some fantasy. With this guy bijock23 - it is this sexual male bonding, tender with both of trying to please each other - he has this dominant / controlling streak - which usually really turns me off - but in his case it manifests itself in pleasuring. For example in chat I will say something like "let me lick you..." or "swivel around so we can suck each other" and he will say no, its all about you and proceed describe licking me in the most torturous ways. I know in real life there is no way I could lay there and let him have his way with me - but within the confines of the fantasy it is really hot.

Strange times at Gay Japanese Bath house part 2

2008-05-19T12:39:00.005-04:00

Please go back two posts to read my introduction (http://meshugenergay.blogspot.com/2008/04/strange-times-in-japanese-bath-house.html) I really appreciate the couple requests to finish this story - it always helps to know there is in interest in ones babbling ... basically we were in Tokyo and the local gay bath house was the most convenient place for a soak and it had the advantage of the possibility of sex. Cruising in a bath house is an iffy proposition whether it is a Japanese one or not - the Japanese part added the dimension of cultural learning curve, being an ethnic minority and not speaking the language.

I had learned that one of the steam rooms was a prime location. It was dim had two areas that guys felt they could safely fondle and not have to commit. So being horny - I stood in the larger area of the steam room in clear site of the dim light (that way the guys could clearly see I was geijan if they were interested. Like teenagers at dance - groups of guys would come and go - leaning against the tile wall - checking each other out. When I guy was interested they would usually do some covert groping before more activities proceeded. I would hang out for a bit, then walk around check out the little maze of showers outside the steam room, see if I could catch anyone's eye and head back in. Eventually this tall kid, made his move of interest, he wasn't bad looking with an average body, so I groped him back. There was a little stroking under our towels and he eventually grabbed my hand and lead out of the steam room to one of the shower cubicles. Once in the cubicle we had an awkward kiss (Japanese men are stiff kissers) and he went to his knees to suck me.

The odd thing about having sex with someone who you don't speak their language is trying to figure out limits. After a bit it was clear that he just wanted to pleasure me. Attempts I made to stroke him or suck him - were rebuffed. I think he didn't want to cum - so he could go play with others - and I have to say he had a soft and sweet mouth. In fact it was almost too soft and hot - it was delicious torture. I had to pull him off a couple times because I was getting too close and I wasn't sure he wanted me to cum in his mouth. I ended up cumming while he stroked me and even though I tried to reciprocate he wasn't interested...

Unmotivated

2008-05-13T17:10:00.002-04:00

In the months that I have blogged I sometimes post alot and sometimes let it go for weeks. The one thing that bums me out is in all this time I have gotten one comment.

It shouldn't matter but it really would motivate me more if I know someone was reading!

Therapy Update

2008-04-23T10:50:00.002-04:00

I reluctantly go to see a shrink.

The reluctance may be in part because I am one of the sanest people I know.

I know the adage that an alcoholic is the last person you should ask if they have a drinking problem. So its hard for a meshugener to assess their own sanity. However, I feel like I am a pretty sorted, grounded person. I started going because of some relationship issues and the profound alienation I feel from the gay-community. However, now that I have gone for over a year I have begun to realize that I carry around some baggage from my childhood is not completely healthy ways - that may explain some of the goofy things I do in my relationships and why I spend way too much on-line.

IF you have never gone to see a shrink - I highly recommend it, but with the caveat that finding a good shrink is hard. This is my third attempt at therapy, the two other times I went a couple times an found it a complete waste of time. This time I was really careful, asking around, doing short phone interviews with a number of therapists and pushing hard to find someone who I felt I could click with. The key is having some sense of what you want out the of the experience. For example I am very verbal - I can clearly articulate what I am feeling but I definitely need someone to challenge what comes out of my mouth. I was looking for someone who wasn't just a "listener" but someone I could have a dialogue with and would be pretty active in the process. Many shrinks don't go there - so makes sure you ask. Also have some sense about the issues you want to talk about. Some head-shrinkers will advertise if they are into gay/lesbian issues. I am about 80% sure my guy is a member of the tribe, but he is definitely savy on the issues. Last, don't be passive about what is happening during your sessions - one of my best sessions happened after a particularly bad session where I felt the Doc was phoning it in - so I told him that at the beginning of the session and we had a great conversation about how it could have been better. There are times when he has said something that I felt was applying his judgement or values on things - a good shrink won't be offended, but will engage with a better approach.

Hope this helps.

Maybe next time I will babble about some things I have learned about myself.

Strange times in a Japanese Bath house

2008-04-23T10:43:00.004-04:00

One of the wonderful things about Japan is soaking in a sento, onsen or rotonburri. For those who have never been a sento is a neighborhood bath house - nothing sexual where you go and soak in a hot bath. An onsen is similar but fed by a natural hot spring. A rotonburri is usually naturally hot spring fed but outside.

Now merge these wonderful institutions with a more typical gay sauna/bathhouse experience and it has the possibility of being a lot of fun. Now I am trying to be culturally sensitive, but to a westerner, intimate relations in a foreign country can be a delicate act - especially in Japan where social clues are often hard to read for an American. One attitude is to damn the torpedos and just be an American and if they don't like it ... fuck'em. I try to never to be the "ugly american" and observe or read about cultural norms and then try to live within the rules (when in rome ...) So the first bit of cultural knowledge that overshadowed my experience is the Japanese reticence around foreigners. So its important not to come on too strong or aggressive. On my end I don't have a particular fetish for Asian men - my dictum is a hot guy is a hot guy - but don't tend to go for any particular racial group. I went because I like gay bathouses - if I get off cool - but I wasnt' particularly jonesing for asian tail.

Oh one more strange thing. There is a video room - on the tv was some japanese gay porn. However, it was two older fat middle aged business men having sex. Very odd and not stimulating!

This particular night I was first and foremost looking to unwind after a long day walking and being a tourist, so a hot soak, steam and sauna were in order. Japanese bathouses also serve as a crash joints for guys who stay out too late - so upstairs are sleeping rooms where some fucking goes on but a lot more sleeping happens. The first odd thing is I went upstairs to take a short nap. I covered myself up - faced away from the room and was clearly sleeping not looking for nookie. I dozed off at one point had a sense of someone leaning over me feeling me up. I rolled over groggy and gestured that I wasn't interested and dozed away. This happened a couple times and I gave up on sleeping. Getting up I had the vague feeling of being violated. Being groped in my sleep is not my idea of a good time. I met up with my partner and we headed out, but when I told him - he said that is a very Japanese thing - the pleasuring of someone who is pretending to be sleeping.

We came back another night and I was more in the mood to have some fun.

Read part two ...

Sugar Challenge

2008-04-23T10:41:00.002-04:00

I just spent time on vacation in a country where all the ice tea is unsweatened.

Imagine going into your local 7/11 and if all the space devoted to soda was instead filled with varieties of tea (mostly green) all without anything added. The cultural tastes must lean this way because it sells - which then begs the question of why we drink such sweet things. In fact everything is sweeter in America - do some traveling and you will notice that chocolate and pastries in other countries are not as sweet. Its as if we are a country who is jacked up on sugar. Given American obesity and diabeties rates its clearly a national disaster.

So what do I want?

First, I want options! I want to be able to find drinks that contain neither sugar or articificial sweeteners! I want the option of a dessert that isn't just sugar that has the correct balance of pastry and sweet.

Second, I don't want my insurance dollars and tax dollars feeding a corporate and cultural stupidity about food health. If we, demand that the government demand that manufacturers lower the sugar content of their food by 2% a year over the next 5 years! Slowly weaning the American addiction - learning to enjoy the taste of food just a little less sweet.

I know I am dreaming - but I can but hope!

How low will you go?

2008-03-24T17:38:00.007-04:00

What would you do to have a night of sex with a total hot sexy, model quality man?

I am a very visual person - I admit that I get off on having sex with guys with great bodies. It doesn't happen very often - but when the last time I did (about a year ago) I thought to myself how hot it was. In that case it didn't hurt that he was a very nice guy who happened to be a great lover.

The other day I was working and absently logged into a gay chat room. I get hit up by a local guy who is married that sounded very hot. Younger married gym stud - I got instantly hard. Since he was local we talked about what we would do if we got together. It was a hot chat, but something about left me uncomfortable. There was an under tone of domination - the married hot stud making the fag be his slut. Actually, that was no undertone - he actually said things like that - I played along for a bit and then got a bit belligerent back. He hung in there for a bit. I told him he had to earn the right to fuck me. And I pushed to see how far I could go. See if he would kiss, let me rim him possibly even fuck him. He kept protesting his ass was off limits - he was a total top - I guess eventually I pushed too hard and he logged off with no explanation - which was fine by me -

It just got me thinking, how low will you go to have sex with a hot man? Should I let go and lower my defenses and be the submissive fag that some guys like? Even though I tend to bottom - I have been accused of bottoming from the top - as if I need to be in control? Or do some guys not have enough self respect to make sure that sex is equal. That no matter the sexual position everyone deserves respect?

For now - I defend my position - that I aint no manpussy, man cunt or whore. Just cause sometimes I let a guy fuck me - he better fuck me like the prize that I am. And if isn't willing to roll over after wards and share the joy - then forget it. Don't get me wrong some guys don't like being fucked - but then again - sometimes in the offering its all that counts.

Random Thought on Procreation Instincts

2008-03-21T16:21:00.004-04:00

So the other day a friend emails me and says he hasn't had sex in ages and it was cool cause the less he gets then less he wants it. So I thought - in his embrace of the idea that "the less one has of sex, the less one desires it" - there is an implied value in being released from the desire for sex. That we can rise above our lust and be better for it.

Something about that idea just rubs me wrong.

Maybe I lived a repressed sexually denied existance for too long and just won't tolerate it anymore.

I think that sex can be a wonderful element in our lives both for increased intimacy/spirituality and just physical abandon - pleasures of the flesh can be a drug and can be obsession - but they also can be better than chocolate - caught up in all of this is self-image, confidence, need for touch, longing for acceptance, love, belonging. Deep in the calculation of sex (which I am struggling to deal with) is our inherant desire to procreate - as gay men - we still have that energy - and how it manifests itself it a very complex thing.

If we are all hardwired to procreate - the need to plant seed per se - as gay men who are not having sex to create babies - how does that balance out in our psychic desires? Could that partially explain the love of cum, barebacking and other dangerous behaviors? Or is it simply that we are made as men to shoot a fair bit and we need to know what to do with this energy.

Hot Email

2008-03-06T13:41:00.003-05:00

I had the following email exchange the other day ... it made me instantly hard! This actually about 5 emails ...

"Hey -I do have fond memories of rimming your smooth, hot hole and fucking a couple of loads out of you (sorry to be so crass!) and anytime you're in a "mood" just give me a ring. It turns me on to eat certain asses, but it's something I almost never do (for all the obvious reasons) and was just having a pleasant memory....whatever.

I'm not proud, mister. I'll take seconds anytime---nicely warmed up, throbbing and twitching for more.

Oh good. That was the idea. Well, in any case, I got hard writing it and thinking about IT. The pulsing hole, slippery and wet from having been eaten out and tongued. But now I have to try and HIDE this big ole hard-on so I can go teach my class.

Made it through class and now in office where problem starting to return in form of thickening cock, filling up pouch of underpants, pushing it out to big bulge. Feel so heavy and thick in there. If I stand up, it'll swing and rub against thigh.

Yes, now that I have imagine of eating your puckering hole in mind, cannot get it out. Want to spend a long time on it, teasing it and making it pulse and throb until it's aching and aching to be filled with big thick cock.

Imagine if you were sitting on my face with my tongue in your ass, squirming and wriggling your ass back and forth to get optimally licked and probed, while I reached up and played with your nipples and the precum started drooling and oozing out of your cock head. That'd be even more distracting."

There is a lot I could say about this, but the one thing I will say is that all my life I have practiced safe sex until I got tested with a bf and we agreed to be monogamous. The intimacy of that initial encounter was intense and it was something that gets forgotten in all the sub-culture of the bareback world. That being said - there is something I find hot about fucking a cum-sloppy hole or being fucked with a load already in me. Don't think I will ever get that piggy - but the thought is hot!

Grow up Obama supporters

2008-03-05T18:14:00.002-05:00

I am an NPR junkie and follow politics like some people follow sports. Recently, I keep hearing Obama supporter whining about the "democratic establishment". They seem to think it was a big plot that Hillary Clinton won the Ohio and Texas primaries. They seem to feel like the Clinton campaign is part of an evil empire trying to stop their man from spreading the gospel.

All I have to say to frothing at the mouth Obama supporter - GROW UP!

Don't get me wrong, I like Barak Obama. I am a loyal democrat who would vote for him if he is the nominee - I just happen to think Hillary Clinton will make a better president. She has her faults, but so does our man Obama. Don't mistake the rhetoric for the fact that he is a politician. Obama supporters like to think he is something different - but in my mind he isn't raising the millions of dollars without being in bed with big money the same way all politicians are. It is a fact of life. My support for Clinton is based on a belief that she will navigate the fine line between ideals, rhetoric and practical politics better than Obama.

Part of being a mature adult is being able to non-emotionally deal with the facts on hand and accept reality. Sometimes I think Obama supporters are addicted to the dream. Like believing in Santa and the Tooth Fairy.

You Owe Me

2008-02-29T20:48:00.003-05:00

Here is a little fantasy ...

You Owe Me

A buddy said that to me the other day on-line and my mind started racing on how I would like to make it up to him. I think my fantasy would go something like this:

I leave you a voice mail telling you to come over to my house and let yourself in. Sitting in the living room are some cold brews and a note telling you to help yourself and come upstairs and get naked. The room is dim only lit by candles. I wait until you undress relax propped up on pillow on the bed and I come in, wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt with a plate of appetizers. Smiling at your hot body, you long legs barely fitting on the bed. I bring an egg roll slowly to your lips and feed you. As you eat it I move to the foot of the bed and start massaging your feet. Working my fingers around your heal, bridge and toes I massage you. Fingers start up your calves working your muscles. Picking up your foots I let my fingers work over your legs and bring your big toe to my mouth. Looking you deep in the eyes I suck in your toe, slowly rolling my tongue around it like a small cock – fingers sliding up and down your leg. In turn I suck in each toe, and hold it in my mouth and then move down to the next. Putting down your leg I move to feed you some more, this time coming in for a slow kiss sharing the food and tongue. As we kiss my fingers massage your shoulders. I let my tongue slip from your mouth and let it trace you nipples. Twirling around one and then the other – lightly teasing the nub. I let my tongue move down your midsection, planting kissing and licking until I hit your belly button and then I trace its outline before plunging my tongue inward, swirling around your innie. Moving downward I kiss around your bush, burying my nose at the base of your cock. My mouth nudging the crook of your thigh, sucking right next to your balls. Pushing your legs open I lick each ball before running the tip of my tongue up your cock, open wide and swallow you until your cock hits the back of my throat. I hold your fat cock back there, squeezing and sucking – feeling your hard cock throb in my mouth. Then very slowly I pull my lips tight to the shaft and slowly move up it. My eyes look to your face to see your reaction until I get to the head and run my tongue around the crown. I grip it by the base and worship it with my tongue, flicking around the slit before opening wide and sucking you back deep again. Holding you cock at the base of my throat I slowly slide both hands up your chest and squeeze your pecs, rubbing your nips with my thumbs. Each time I squeeze I move down your cock and suck it up to the head again.

Suddenly I feel your hands on my head holding it there as you pump into my mouth. I relax my lips and let your thrust into my mouth. In and out, my saliva oozing down your shaft on to your balls. My fingers release your pecs and I bring them to your balls, feeling them starting to draw up I pull my mouth off your cock and look down at you. Standing next to the bed I slowly undress putting on a strip tease for you, shaking my ass cheeks as I lower my sweat pants.

Naked I straddle you on the bed. Kiss you deep and rub your cock head on my hold – your cock oozing. Sitting up, I position your cock and slowly start to sit on it – your bare cock popping into my tight hole. Pausing I breathe deep, and keep sitting down until you are all the way in. Smiling down at you, I take a deep breathe, squeeze my ass muscles and slowly start to milk your cock. You open your mouth to say something and I put a finger to your lips – “I know I owe you … I hope this is payment enough … and tonight I am all yours.” I squeeze my ass muscles once again, relax and sit up letting your cock slide up and then sit down again and begin to slowly ride you. Each time I hit bottom I pause and squeeze my ass muscles milking you.

Movies and TLC

2008-02-24T23:39:00.002-05:00

I am starting to feel better ... spent Saturday sleeping after a visit from the bf who brought over lots of drugs, herbal cures and love. Today I had to get out of the house so we went to the mall - for a short visit to the bookstore and Best Buy. After which I was treated to lots of TLC. Was made bowls of soup, tea, took a nap and treated to a little light gay dvd fest. We watched "another gay movie" and "Adam&Steve" - both made me laugh. "Adam&Steve" was especially touching and a good movie to see with someone you love - yes I am sucker for a romantic comedy especially a gay one with a screwy jewish guy!

Sick and Playing Games

2008-02-23T10:52:00.002-05:00

I am sick.

Not bad - just the coughing, congested, I sound like Lauren Bacall kinda cold. I haven't been sleeping too much either. Just slightly more than normal. However, today is Saturday and we had 10" of snow dumped on our fair city last night; so I thought I would have some more herbal tea, pop some more zinc and go back to bed. If I can't sleep maybe I will pull out a "firsthand" and hump the bed - and then sleep.

The game I am playing is seeing when the bf will call. He got back from a business trip last night - I IM'd him and he said he had to get out a report he would get back to me. That is the last I have heard from him. I know it is an immature child game to wait to see when someone you want to call you will call - but hey I am 42 and I reserve the right to act 8!

Part of what set me off is to of my out of town buds - who I chat with on IM - kept gushing how I should go and be taken care of by the bf. It pissed me off for two reasons. One - the passive sense that I need taken care of - its a little cold and I can take care of myself (note to self - this is another example how I refuse to let myself be submissive and bristle at loss of control even though I like to think of myself as SO NOT a control freak). Second - I knew the bf wouldn't rush to take care of me - its not that he is loving - its just that he had such a fucked up childhood that his paternal instincts are all screwed up.

Feel free to call me meshugener - I am!

Blog crossroads

2008-02-20T20:09:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do with this blog. Part of it has been a careful balance between trying to stay anonymous and using it as a forum to publicly work out issues. However, since I was trying too hard to stay anonymous it just became random. I thought a lot about the blogs I like to read and those blogs you get to know someone and understand their issues. So today is the cross roads where I tell all and just let it hang as it may be.

Like most guys I had a sense I was gay in my teens. Like too many men I repressed this until I was much older. I tried to date women but my heart wasn't into it and was pretty much a virgin until my mid-20's when I dated one woman and had sex. We dated for two years but in reality what I wanted was a man. When we broke up - I sort of fell in on myself and found the internet. I sort of began to express myself in gay internet chat rooms. One night I had this incredible chat with this hot sounding guy. I found out he lived within a couple hours and sort of panicked. We reconnected a couple months later and again had an incredible sexual charged chat. Over time we moved from the anonymous chat room to MSN messenger and chatted twice a day. Then one day we took a big leap and met for dinner, which evolved into making out in the car, which evolved into a hotel room, which ended up my first sex with a guy at the age of 34.

I drove home at 4 am on cloud 9. The one thought in my head was that I just had sex with a man and no one knew. All these years of being repressed and hiding and for what. Fear of discovery? No one needed to know. I could do this and be free! Of course in the course of a week I told my closest friends including the last woman I had dated. Of course I was head over heals in love and when the whole thing crashed and burned witht he first guy I was distraut - but I got over it. And began to explore what it meant to be a gay man.

Now its 8 years later. I have had two -six month relationships and am currently in year six of my third. In some ways I feel like I am with the man I will grow old with, but some things about where I am keep me very restless. Mostly sexually - we have some real issues when it comes to sex and so now I find myself very much in love with someone and finally out and gay, but not enjoying sex. Sometimes I look elsewhere for sex and sometimes I just try to explore what I want out of life.

What is most important is that I am learning about myself. About a year ago I decided to see a shrink. For anyone who had ever wanted to sort stuff out I highly recommend it but it is not an easy process to find a shrink you click with and slogging it through the personal discovery process is even harder. So from now on this blog will try to be more focused on my life - sometimes what is going on in my life sexually, sometimes my fantasies, sometimes issues I am wrestling in therapy and sometimes I will just rant!

Hot Chat

2008-02-15T15:59:00.005-05:00

One of my obsessions is chatting on some of the gay chat rooms like menchats.com or joechat.com. They are filled with closeted, married and bisexual men. Some of them post profiles that are too good to be true and others are real, but have no other outlet for their sexuality because sites like gay.com are just too scary.

So today instead of working I chat with this guy - his profile "PitMuscle" said 6'1" 190, musc/masc pierced nips - 17" biceps love getting my pits worked. We had chatted before and I knew he was fun and could actually visualize a scene and be responsive. So we went at it, I was hot and aggressive in the chat - saying that I would pin him against the wall - kiss him deep and lick his pits and chew on his nips. What transpired was a hot chat - that had me fucking him hard and deep alternately kissing him, chewing on his pits and tugging at his nipple rings all the while slamming into his muscled ass. I must have been pressing his buttons right because after about 45 minutes of a hot scene - we both blew and kept going at it. Rarely do guys want to continue, but this guy wanted me to stay inside him and we probably kept at it for another hour, him describing riding me, then me spooning him so I could eat his pit, stroke him and continue to fuck him. The incredible part is after all that - he wanted to fuck me - which I typically wouldn't have an objection to - but had to get going. If I could have figured out how to copy text from the volcano chat window (control C didn't work) I would have shared the trascript ...

Blow to my ego

2008-02-10T17:52:00.000-05:00

So, I like to think I am handy around the house. My Dad fixed most things and I generally am good with tools. I enjoy getting dirty and taking thing apart. Today I attempted to replace the anti-scald cartridge on my shower - should have been simple. Right now I am waiting for a plumber because I can't get everything back and the shower on without creating a leak. This is a blow, because it should have been easy.

Lets hope the plumbers cute - now that can spawn some fantasies - hot plumber shower - mmmmmmmmmmmm

Rambling and Chewing Gun while walking

2008-02-09T11:58:00.000-05:00

When I am walking from here to there or driving I keep thinking of things to post and then when I get to my destination I either don't have the time or don't feel like sitting down and blogging - so today I thought I just babble.

First - could I have used the word " whilst" instead of "while" in the title of this post? It sometimes comes off as pretentious when Americans use words that people in the UK commonly use - but I really like the word "whilst" but not completely sure I use it right.

Second - been thinking a lot about sex (I know who isn't), but a fair bit about what's missing in my life. Bit of context here. Met up with this guy for the second time - first time was great, lots of hot kissing and really tender play. Guy was my age - the kinda body that could be much better if he lost 15 lbs but definitely worked out - must spend too much time traveling for work and eating in nice restaurants. And for those of you who are size queens he had a ballistic missile of a cock. Fat on the bottom tapering and big. Since I am not a size queen I liked that he liked to kiss a lot while fucking and let me be the aggressive bottom that I can be when I am in the mood to be fucked. Anyhow, for the second time I just wasn't into it, midway through the fuck I lost my hard-on and tried to be a good sport and make sure he was having a good time, but I left without getting off. So the question is what was going on in my head. Part of me wants to be a carefree sexual person into getting off with hot guys - but the other part of me becomes disconnected and alienated from the act.

Third - Hillary or Obama? Although I am happy that I voted for Hillary - part of me thinks that Obama represents the future and that our best chance to beat McCain is Obama. His ability to generate enthusiasm from independents is very cool. In the end I just think Hillary will make the better president.

Like a Trance

2008-01-23T18:28:00.001-05:00

"Good sex is like a trance." My shrink was saying as I was talking about my feelings about not being present during sex. I was trying to describe this image in my head about the easy confident sexual energy during the moment that seems to elude me. My mind shifts and I am not present, not experiencing - not enjoying. In some ways this is a good analogy to what I am feeling in a lot of my life.

I have this image in my head of two college jocks completely out of their minds in lust - in a completely mindless fuck, sweating, pounding, lost in some sort of sexual trance.

Is that what he is talking about?

What do I feel?

2008-01-23T00:01:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a strange dream -like all dreams it started in one place and kept morphing into other things. I know at one point I was in a large museum looking at Budhist icons - some were modern interpretations of the Buddha. I kept looking at these images and in my dream felt such sadness. I stood at the museum and walked around and would pause at the statues and start crying. Not just a little cry, but a real deep soul wrenching sob. When I woke up that saddness stayed with me. Thinking now - I am trying to remember what was going on in that dream. Was it death? Was it the human condition? Was I crying for myself?

So tonight I met this guy at a hotel. The other time we met we had a fabulous make out session and I rode him and it was great. Tonight I couldn't stay hard - parts were hot, but I wasn't present. At some point I focused on making sure he had a good time - because I knew my mind was not into it and I was not going to get off. It was like I wasn't completely there.

Now I am trying to figure out what I am feeling. Its like I don't know how to be in the moment anymore - its like obligation and duty and keeping other people happy has taken over and I don't know who I am anymore.

Dry spell

2008-01-18T11:24:00.000-05:00

Like everyone I have been busy with work and some volunteer stuff and just trying to find time to workout and keep fit. Of course it hasn't helped that I had to have my car towed twice in the last two weeks. Being busy my nights have mostly been spent cuddling on the couch or crashing in bed and sleeping like two bears in a cave. Unfortunately, when I get to work and get to a lull in my day I am crawling the walls I am so horny. If a bud IM's me at the office and even hints at something sexually - I am rock hard. I feel like logging on to manhunt and finding a lunch time fuck. Of course between work schedules and reality I would never do it, but man do I need some sex.

Don't you want me Baby?

2008-01-13T18:01:00.000-05:00

I was reading London Preppy (http://londonpreppy.blogspot.com/) and he wrote the following:

So I have been in a relationship for 2 – 2 ½ years now and of course I haven’t been looking around to meet guys and I haven’t even been making myself available. And in the last few months I have become almost isolated as well, not going out to bars, clubs, anything. So I kinda feel like nobody fancies me anymore, nobody has a sexual interest in me. And I know it’s very shallow, but at the same time it’s human nature and everyone wants to feel attractive.

It really got me thinking. I get a ton of love and affection from my bf - and at the same time I am almost compulsive about looking at the hot men on sites like dudesnude.com and bigmuscle.com. I sometimes put myself out there in ways that could endanger my relationship and hurt my bf (which would be much worst). This kind of reckless behavior for validation is probably unhealthy. Now recognizing that I do it may be the first step in more positive behavioral adjustment that could lead to a healthier me. At the same time change may require an honesty that I do not have. It may be leading the openly sexual life that may be to scary to embark on.

Okay gang - this is the sick part - acknowledging this simultaneously makes me calm and excites me. I don't think it is the danger? Maybe I am just meshugener?

Part of me thinks that I should have a long discussion with the bf and work out how we are going to satisfy me. The other part of me thinks that the less he knows the better and that I am not getting any younger and I should just resolve to have more sex. Of course this kind of thinking is dangerous - because it leads to deceit, running around and possibly job loss. Ah well, nothing to fret about now.

Where do you stand?

2008-01-12T13:36:00.001-05:00

Its always interesting to see where you stand politically - funny - I probably am going to vote for Hillary even though this quiz puts her lower on my list ... now it is hard to tell how they rate questions or how my views deviate from the candidates, but I am not surprised on how it came out. Because I said that I care alot about gay marriage that may have skewed things.

The quiz can be found here: http://www.gotoquiz.com/candidates/2008-quiz.html

88% Chris Dodd
87% Barack Obama
85% John Edwards
85% Mike Gravel
85% Hillary Clinton
84% Dennis Kucinich
83% Joe Biden
73% Bill Richardson
43% Rudy Giuliani
31% John McCain
22% Tom Tancredo
21% Mitt Romney
21% Mike Huckabee
19% Ron Paul
10% Fred Thompson

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

Man that irks me! or why bother?

2008-01-08T18:33:00.000-05:00

This blog could be called strange entanglements.

A couple months ago, my bf was out of town and I was slightly horny so I logged on to a chat line. Now most of the time chat lines are a waste of time and I rarely find someone who I click with. This night I chatted with this guy who I really clicked with and we had an intense chat. I can't remember if it was that night or a couple nights later when we chatted again - that I found out he lived near me. We flirted some more and I found out more about him. Tragic story. Was married - had two kids, wife ran away with the two kids and he can't find them. This was years ago. Closeted he takes up with a guy, has a two year relationship and they buy a house together and the guy freaks about commitment and runs away. So he is turning 30 and is alone.

So being the nice guy I am I send him a Happy Birthday email. We chat on and off and I become a friend and listen to his life. He goes through a bad period and I listen, support. This goes on for a month or so. Sometimes we flirt sometimes we just chat as friends. He sends me pictures - they look real enough and they are hot. He vanishes and reappears. The story gets more interesting - his wife gets arrested for stealing the kids and he gets them back! His wife commits suicide in jail. He is moving to LA. I try to get him to have coffee before he goes - but he evades.

He vanishes for a couple weeks.

He reappears - something about moving to LA - he is getting engaged to a high school sweatheart. Now of course by now I am totally thinking this guy is inventing stories. When he vanishes and reappears and appears down - I offer a supportive ear. He vanishes again.

He recently reappeared and told me he never moved, but was engaged. He tells me that the kids are now living with their grandparents (something about they couldn't get used to this father they barely knew). I am skeptical but am nice and supportive. He tells me he is working through issues. He vanishes again. When he reappears he declares his love for me and tells me that all the other shit was a way to distance himself from me. I tell him I care for him, but love my bf and am willing to be a friend. We chat regularly for a week.

Now he has vanished again.

Beyond the tedious quality of this post and the fact that any fool would loose this guy it really irks me the games he plays. I guess I play them too cause each time I am a sympathetic ear.

Why do I bother? Because whatever his deal is - I think he is suffering and part of me just wants to save the world.

The First Kiss

2008-01-05T23:15:00.000-05:00

For now this is fiction ...

We had talked about it for so long that by the time it came to actually do it, we were both trembling. I knew in the end I would just have to grab you and do it. When I placed my hands on your waist your were trembling. So I held them firm and looked deep in your eyes. What I saw was a combination of fear and lust. Moving forward I leaned in and on my toes, closed my eyes and just brushed your lips. Time stood still for second and we both let out a sigh as our lips melted. Then I felt your arms around me squeezing me tight as if holding on for dear life. I slipped my tongue inside your hot mouth and your hips pushed tighter against me. I backed my tongue out and opened my lips to suck in your tongue, my hands slipping to your ass to squeeze your ass cheeks. Even through your jeans I could feel how hot and tight your ass is. Our kissing became frantic. Lips mashing and tongues dueling. Hands everywhere massaging back, ass cheeks and shoulders. Finally I pushed you backwards until you fell back on the bed and followed on top of you. Laughing and grabbing at each other you end up on top of me your lips exploring again. Pushing you up I grab at your shirt trying to pull it off your body but the buttons won’t allow me. Frantically I try to unbutton them. You break the kiss and help me, Lifting off your tshirt and shirt in one swoop. My hands immediately slide up your torso and circle your nips. I look up to see your eyes closed – head thrown back. I wrap my hands around your waist for support and pull my mouth to your pecs. Licking your nips I make them hard – letting my teeth graze the nubs. I can feel your cock poking through your pants into my abs as I lick and suck on your nips …(insert more kissing, slow undressing, sucking, licking here) … finally I can’t stand it any more and straddle your waist. Grabbing your hard cock I push it flat against your abs, sit my ass cheeks over it and rock them over your hard cock. Balancing on your pecs, my back arched I tease your cock on my ass cheeks. You try to grab my cock to stroke it but I push your hand away – I am too close. Instead your grab me by the neck and pull me down to kiss me deep, catch me off guard and roll on top of me. Instinctively I wrap my legs around the small of your back as your cock pokes at my clenched hole. Kissing you keep pushing with your cock, until I reach down and guide you in letting out a low moan and squeal of pain. You stop to see if I am alright, I breathe deep and pull you deeper with my heals kissing you hard. Encouraging you just to sink it deep and hold it there we kiss between moans. Our ragged breathe in and out of each others mouths. You move to pull your cock out but I grab your hips and hold you in, just keep pumping in, grind it deep I say sucking on your neck, panting, biting your earlobe. My hands slide down your back to squeeze your tight to me. It is all too much. I feel my orgasm building, FUCK ME!

With a bang

2007-12-31T19:30:00.000-05:00

I am visiting family.

My days are spent chasing around a nephew, hanging with my brother and sister-in-law, chatting with my parents.

Late at night when everyone goes to bed - I log on to some chat sights - watch porn on my laptop and masturbate. Last night I got off twice and of course stayed up too late.

I have talked about this before but for me there is something about rubbing a cock on a towel with my hands free to work my nips or chat with a hot stud as porn is playing that just feels so good.

If I can figure out how to do a poll I would love to know different ways guys get off!

Maybe midnight, New Years Eve instead of kissing family, or some hot stud or the man I love - I will be shooting with a Bang!

HaPPy New Years!

The Joys of Family

2007-12-30T02:51:00.000-05:00

I love my family.

Every time I visit I realize the price I pay for living so far away.

At the same time it is smothering experience with no personal time. I wish I could find a happy balance on my visits where I could enjoy them and get away for a couple hours to hang out and make contact with other gay men.

On Kissing

2007-12-29T03:08:00.000-05:00

Some people only kiss with lovers.

Some bi-sexual men will suck cock, but draw the line at kissing another guy.

Some guys think that slobbering over your lips and jamming their tongue into your mouth is a kiss.

Some guys keep their lips tight and never relax, so kissing them ends up feeling wooden or as if rigor motise has set in.

For me – sex without kissing is not sex at all. Even though with a lover – a simple kiss in the expression of my deepest feelings – with a stranger it can be the incredibly hot expression of the physical pleasure one man can share with another.

To this day I remember clearly the first time I kissed a man. I was in the front seat of my 1984 Honda Civic. We leaned over the emergency brake and stick shift and lighting struck. In that moment energy surged through me and I practically impaled myself on the stick shift. All the years of repression suddently burst through a damn and I finally felt another man’s lips on mine, another man’s arms on mine another mans skin rubbing against mine. The kiss was firm confident and yet as we trembled in that car in the cold the puzzle fell in place.

A good kiss is always about a moment. Its always about two people learning about each other through their lips. It is a dialogue of lips, tongue, heads tilting to find the sweet spot. Kissing is the ultimate communication. The best kissers I have know were listening with their lips. Even with eyes closed they were reading clues – acting and responding – the perfect improvisation.

A good kisser is usually a good lover as long as he never looses sight of the kiss. Never puts his pleasure above mine, and never lets me forget that. Every sexual act after the kiss requires the same spirit.

An atheist and a jew on Christmas

2007-12-25T13:45:00.000-05:00

Sounds like the beginnings of a bad joke (an atheist and jew walk into a bar ...), but seriously what do people do when Christmas day really have no meaning.

We got up and went to the gym. It was open until noon and it felt good to workout. Broomhilda at the front desk was especially surly. It must be a drag to work on Christmas but then again if you are going to be open on Christmas you shouldn't be nasty about it. Later today we will be exchanging gifts, but other than that it is just like any weekend day - without anything open. Right now the bf is playing video games and I am being a slacker - doing nothing.

We should have a christmas fuck but after our last attempt at sex I think neither of us wants to destroy the mood ( if you want to know about this - gotta leave a comment). Of course I could whack-off, but right now I am feeling lazy.

Later I will start cooking dinner. Its one of the joys of having time is the time to cook. Amongst my more meshugener things is the fact that I enjoy puttering in the kitchen - I guess that makes me really gay?

So besides promising to post more and encouraging people out there to share comments - that is all for now. If I get up the energy I will write about up a fantasy or sexual experience for you horn dawgs - until then -

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Meshugener tries to end it

2007-11-28T11:40:00.000-05:00

meshuggener
adjective
1.	senseless; crazy [syn: meshugge]
noun
1.	(Yiddish) a crazy fool [syn: meshuggeneh]

It probably would not be a surprise to any of you that this happy blogger sees a shrink. Its odd because I generally think of myself as one of the most mentally stable people I know. Seeing a shrink has made me realize things about myself and is starting to push some long held boundaries. If you haven't tried it - I would suggest some sort of therapy for everyone. The hard part is finding the right person to work with. Even then it is a constant struggle because therapy is a relationship and when you are not getting the help/feedback/input/or guidance then you have to push back and work on the relationship. When your therapeutic issue is relationships then it becomes even harder to deal with.

So today I went to my session with full intention of taking a few month holiday. My insurance allows a certain number of sessions per year and I ran out - so I am paying full fare. That pain aside the thought of going to talk to him had become so anxiety producing that I did the cost benefit analysis and decided to take a break until insurance clicked in. Unfortunately, never go to a therapist and talk about finishing - because they will always talk you out of it. To give him his due - he was very accepting, but made some good points about things he thinks we can work on and I couldn't argue with him - fact is I just didn't want to deal.

Next week same time, same location I guess I am dealing.

Humping the Bed

2007-11-22T15:12:00.000-05:00

When we first learn to masturbate we develop little quirks. Some of these quirks are get hard-wired and as we get older they are harder to loose. For me - it is humping the bed. I would much rather masturbate laying face down - my cock rubbing into a towel leaving my hands free to play with my nipples. Thinking back I am pretty sure that I discover this on my own - I think I read a passage in the book Ordinary People where the main character masturbates this way and I tried it. To this day have never lost the enjoyment. Guess that makes me quirky ...

Finishing

2007-11-18T16:38:00.001-05:00

For the small number of visitors I apologize - there are two stories I have started and failed to finish. All I can say is it is sort of a life pattern. I am one of those people who is great at starting lots of projects and they languish. For those of you baseball fans - I basically need a relief pitcher or for those budding Sigmund Freuds out there in the ether of cyber space - I may have a fear of death that avoids completion. My weekend has been filled with stuff. At the office right now trying to complete some stuff for a meeting. Spent the morning at volunteer committee meetings on a committee I chair - can I tell you that it is hard work not screaming at well meaning volunteers who are busy-bodies! Anyhow, working through my seasonal affected disorder with exercise and a some comforting hugs from the bf.

Anyhow -I will try to complete some of the hot stories but some feedback and encouragement will go a long way - post it to the comments section - unless this novice blogger screwed up the settings!

Night with my Bud

2007-11-16T13:18:00.000-05:00

This is just a fantasy. It is written especially for a buddy. I hope he likes it.

We meet in the hotel bar. Nothing fancy your generic dark wood place with TV's silently showing football highlights. You are already at the bar with a beer. I know its you because you see me and smile and stand up. You are taller than I expected. I pause and grin back shyly heading towards you. I put out my hand "Its great to finally meet you." You smile and pull me into a guy hug, like long lost frat brothers. The only thing that gives as away is the quick squeeze that betrays our desires as somethign more.

You offer me a beer and we move to a quiet couch in the corner. "Was the drive okay?" I answer but the small talk cannot cover over the lust and awkwardness of two strangers who know each other intimately through the words of computer chat and finally are met with reality. I smile thinking about this rather than whatever you are saying. "What is that smile for?" "Sorry I was just being amused by the fact you are infront of me after all those hot chats ..." I look in to your eyes with a question and that makes you blush, you reach down and pat my knee. "Its pretty cool." I look at you deep and my eyes wander up and down your body thinking how hot you are in person. "Let's go upstairs, why are we wasting time down here?" You smile back misheviously "... because I am enjoying letting the anticipation build."

The next half hour is a blur, we chat about nothing and the torturous pauses allow us to undress each other with our eyes. A loud crowd of people wander though the bar, prom? wedding party? You look a bit shy as if you are about to get caught - so I let my foot run down your long legs. I keep thinking that in our chats you could always look at my pics but all I had was a brief description, now in front of me you are really tall, muscular, but real. Did I realize then how piercing your eyes are, or the line of your jaw? I can't wait to get my tongue in those ears so sexily framed by your close cropped hair.

Abruptly I stand-up. Look down at you holding your beer sort of surprised by my action - "are you coming?" I hold out my hand to help you up. You swallow hard as if suddenly frightened by the reality that we are going to get naked. You stand not taking my hand and I just start walking towards the bank of elevators. Getting in before you catch up I hold it open waiting for you. I hit the elevator close button before anyone has a chance to get in but don't hit the floor. Smiling at you I back you into the corner. Lift my hand to the back of your head and pull you down to my height and lightly brush my lips over yours. You let out a deep sigh and open your lips a bit. I shift my head and our lips for a tight seal. Our hands grab on to each others waists to steady ourselves and we enjoy a deep long kiss. Stepping back I hit the button for the eighth floor and smile at you from the other side of the elevator cab.

The ride up seems to take forever, but I take full advantage. Maybe it was the beer or maybe its just finally meeting you, but as the elevator creeps up floor by floor, I run my hand along my growing bulge and look deep into your eyes. Reaching up I twist my nipple through my shirt and grope my pants - you act like you are about to step forward and I put out my hand to signal you to say where you are ... watching me stroke you mouth open until the elevator stops.

When the door opens we just stare at each other until I move quickly, grab you by the shoulders and push you into the hall. Standing behind you I guide you to room 808, reach around you to slide the key card and we stumble into the room. It is dark so I open the current to let the city lights glow and pull you on to the bed, crawling on top of your tall frame and give you a light kiss. "Is this alright?" Before you can say oh yeah ...... I graze my lips lightly over yours and slide my hands inside your shirt - hands roaming around your chest. Your hands feel fantastic as they knead my ass through my jeans. Sucking in your tongue our hips start to grind together and it becomes obvious that we are wearing too many clothes. Reaching down I pull off your shirt pausing with your hands over your head to lick your pits. Tangled up in the shirt, with me straddling your midsection you squirm as I run my tongue up your hairy pits and suck on your biceps. Teeth lightly grazing I go up and around your shoulders, down to your lats and around your pecs. Tongue extended I circle your nipple then lightly bite it and sooth the teeth marks with my wet tongue. By this time your have struggled out of the arms of your shirt, grab me and flip me on my back. We roll around the bed almost wrestling until you grab my jeans and pull them off. I lay back and let you go to work.

Fading Light

2007-11-16T13:11:00.001-05:00

Like most people - I am feeling a profound loss of the light. Where I am it is pitch dark by 5:30 pm. Not being a morning person it is screwing with my emotions big time, so I am walking around either horny or pissed-off/grumpy. Oddly enough the more I think of myself as pissed-off and grumpy the happier I become! In the same way nothing cheers me up like a depressing song. Maybe I am like a pig rolling around in the mud. The more the fading light darkends my mood, the more I reveal in being brooding and nasty. If I try to fight it and act cheery I just become sad - if I embrace it I find it not only comforting, but empowering.

The Dark Cloud

2007-11-09T22:45:00.000-05:00

I lead a charmed life.

That is the disclaimer for this post. Even though the two weeks it has felt like a dark cloud has been following me - I really have nothing to complain about. The fact I can sit here in the comfort of my home with my expensive laptop and know I still have a financial cushion puts me in the 99 percentile of privileged lucky people in the earth.

That being said - the last two weeks have been a pain-in-the ass! It all started with laziness. I decided not to return the rental car and switch it with my car which I left in the lot until after I stopped home to pee and have some dinner. Home was on the way and I thought I would go to the gym after I had done the car switch. I was even lazier and lounged around the house and finally decided to the switch at 9:30. When I pulled into the rental car lot - planning just to drop the keys in the night box - my car wasn't there! Called the police and they immediately told me it had been towed.

I had entered into "After Hours". If you haven't seen the classic Martin Scorsese film - it is the story of a man trying to get home - but things keep happening. For me I called the tow company to find out where my car was and got bounced to three different phone numbers. Was told by the final woman it would cost $120 cash but call the tow guy to meet me to get my car. I get cash out of the ATM and call the guy. He tells me it has to be $110 exact change. Fuck! I only have $20's. I go to convenience store to break a $20 and finally walk over to the tow lot.

I get to the tow place and no one is there. Just a great big flat bed truck infront - good, I have an AWD car and am thankful they used a flatbed cause my car would be toast otherwise. I call again and after circling a couple time I finally find the guy/ I am met by a over cheerful guy in his 40's. I follow him back to his office and he cheerfully explains how its not the rental car's place fault that his company has the contract to clear the lot cause people park there illegally. I try to explain to him the rental car place told me to leave my car there and he says sorry if it doesn't have a tag he tows it and then proceeds to tell me what time he towed my car. Fucking ten minutes before I arrived. I sign some paper get a receipt and go to my car.

Immediately I notice that there is a weird sound. So I drive around the block and back to the tow place to yell at the guy. He is still cheerful and irritatingly chatty. He goes into huge detail telling me how he towed my car to explain it isn't his fault and I am fuming cause I don't know how to argue with him. So I give up and start to drive away. Of course my car is overheating! I am almost home and I get a call on my cell phone - its the tow guy telling me I never paid him. He starts to be defensive on the phone saying he has it on camera and I feel my pocket and realize in all his saccharine shmoozing - he never collected from me. I try to shut him and say I will be right there and he implies I never intended to pay him. Fuck - its 10:30 at night. my evening has gotten completely screwed up and he thinks I am deceitful. Enraged I drive back to hand him the money my car whining and complaining the entire way.

To make this story short I will summarize what happens next. I take the car to three mechanics - all won't say that it is the fault of the tow, while really saying it is the fault of the tow. The first two won't even properly diagnose the problem. The third - the dealer offers to fix it for $900. Angered and already invested more hours trudging the car from mechanic to mechanic I tell them to fix it. Get another rental car - drop the car off. Of course when I go to pick it up - the dealer recommends another $3000 of repairs (this is an 8 year old car!). Of course some of the repairs I know I have taken care of - I now really feel like someone is out to screw me!

So the final rain shower this dark cloud dropped is when the dealer said my car was ready I dropped off the rental car before they opened - hoped a bus to the dealer. 14 hours later I get home to a message on my machine from the rental car people asking about a dent on the rental car - my heart sank and immediately I got nauseous.

Acceptance or Fear

2007-10-28T08:52:00.001-04:00

I have a vibrant on-line life. A chat regularly with faces in the ether. Not that it is relevant to the subject of this post, but the real identity of these "friends" is sketchy at best; and yet I tell them intimate details of my personal life. More oddly than that - I hide their existance from the person I love and share my life with.

So these ethereal friends know all about my discontent with my sex life with my loving bf and now so does the blogger sphere. Many of them who know about my sexual fantasies or have played along with me in developing these fantasies see me as a very sexual person. They cannot imagine how I can spend so much time with someone who I love and am attracted to and go for long stretches of time without sex or passion.

Its quite simple really... life happens.

Let me tell you about this morning. A lazy Sunday morning. I intended to sleep late. Loving boyfriend (from now on I shall refer to him as LBF) got up around 7:00 and I turned over and mumbled something about it being too early, he said something about just going to the bath room and fell promptly back to sleep. An hour later I am woken by kisses on my neck. He says between kisses he is going to Starbucks do I want anything? I am still half-asleep and mumble - no thank you. He adds some more kisses and asks if I want an omelette from IHOP, now waking up some more I say, " and miss soaking up all that atmosphere?" So being the cute LBF he proceeds to ask me if I want all sorts of stuff, including a pony or a hand-job? Now that sparks my interest. I am laying partially on my back and he starts to rub my bum, through my boxer shorts and it feels good. I already had a morning erection, so I was hoping between the prior kisses and the bum rubbing this may get good. He fishes out my penis through the slot in my boxer shorts and starts to rub his hand over softly. It almost tickles. Then he says, "how are we going to clean you up?" Alarm signals go off, we just started, why worry about cleaning me up? He slowly rolled me on my back, pulled off my boxers, grabbed the lube and started to stoke me. It felt good but in the end it was over too quick. He went to go wash his hands and left for Starbucks, me laying there on the bed.

So, that is our sex life.

Is it acceptance that after six years this is what devolves for passion or is it fear of confronting larger problems in the relationship that stop me from trying to confront this?

Anonymity

2007-10-14T22:02:00.000-04:00

I suppose many bloggers struggle with how much to reveal about their lives and still remain anonymous. I know the more secure I feel that no one I know will ever read this or figure out it is me - the more I will feel free to divulge the lurid details of my life that keep people coming back for more. Isn't that why people read blogs; for the lurid details? Oddly, nearly half of the blogs I read are just guys dealing with the day-in and day-out of gay life - not sex and of course the other half are pretty pornographic. I hope to strike a balance and keep y'all amused in the process.

Feel free to challenge me on what I reveal or not.

Exciting Saturday Night - NOT!

2007-10-13T22:54:00.000-04:00

Okay I promise to finish the Late Night post, but work has been really busy. I read a lot of blogs and find it funny when bloggers promise about writing more and then whine about how busy their lives are. The fact is my life is and always has been busy. I am the kind of person that either is on overdrive or is a complete slug. However, I always have tons of projects lined up - boredom is not an option.

That being said - I do tend to have quiet weekends. Part of that is the BF - who tends to be a bit of a home body and a couch potato. His collection of dvd's and video games - would stupify any ludite into instant panic attack. Right now he has fallen asleep on the couch and is snoring. So I am cruising dudesnude.com and bigmuscle.com and decided why not update the blog with some thoughts.

First - why are the Fantastic Four movies so bad? Its not like the comic book didn't have potential - is it that Hollywood can't find a way through the hype and find the pathos? Okay, the movies weren't complete stinkers - they just lacked soul. Like any design exercise - movies need to identify their core and then the director has to make sure everything supports it. Even a camp comic movie can follow this maxim. The Spiderman movies do it and Batman Begins does it too.

Second, I chat online a fair bit. Most gay men online are sex obsessed and I am not saything that is a bad thing. I find it interesting that many of them are surprised that gay men in long term relationships can't sustain sexual intensity. The fact is gay long term relationships are like heterosexual long terms relationships - sex ebs and flows and has trouble keeping a head of steam. The reality of lgay men iving in a long term realtionship and sustaining sexual intensity just flies in the face of popular culture. I have a feeling I could be more articulate about this - but the bottom line for me is that monogamy or lack of it in the gay world may the same as in the hetero world - we just embrace it more?

Okay, I should wake-up the snoring man I love!

Late night fun

2007-10-05T22:52:00.000-04:00

I rarely hook-up.

Occassionally, when my bf is out of town I will log onto Manhunt and see who is around. Usually this is a waste of time but it is fun looking at the hot pics. Over the years I have found a couple buds that I end up seeing a couple times a year and have a good time. One such guy is Jim. I think Jim is barely 30. He is definitely closeted, but definitely knows his way around gay sex. We chat or email much more than we actually get together and if we see each other online late at night often flirt about the nasty things we want to do. Maybe because he is closeted he has a very nasty imagination and comes up with fun things to try. Well last week we finally got together and it had been a year since we had seen each other.

Jim is very close to my height, 5'-7" has a tight compact practically hairless body and usually has a goat-ee. He has this great North Carolina accent and a shy way when we first meet that usually evolves in a subtle piggy attitude. When we chatted on manhunt he said he was tired but what the hell I should come over since his roomate was out of town. He met me at the door in flannel pajamas bottoms and a t-shirt rubbing his eyes, shyly saying he fell asleep on my way over. I smiled and said it had been too long and he ushered me upstairs. We slowly kissed standing next to the bed and I realized why I love playing with Jim - man can he kiss. His tight small body feels so good and in contrast to most of my sexual partners - he totally likes me to be in control. I gentle guided him back to the bed while kissing and crawled on top of him as we slowly made out. My mouth went to his earlobe and lightly grazed my teeth over the skin. Pushing up his shirt I flicked my tongue over his small tight nipple and he moaned softly, working my tongue down I pulled the waistband of his pjs down to expose his tapered cock and swallowed him slowly until I hit bottom. He doesn't have a big dick but it is the perfect size to swallow deep and massage with my throat muscles. I love to swallow a dick and hold it in my mouth and just let my mouth massage it. then slowly let my tongue wander up the shaft. I don't think of myself as much of a cock sucker but Jim's cock drives me nuts and I really enjoy sucking him.

So I had him stripped down and my tongue kept moving down. Even though Jim has always been a top - he definitely like me to take charge and I love to eat his ass. Slowly I sucked his balls and reached up to tweak his nipples. Sucking in one and then the other. Tongue flicking right under the sack and nibbling where it meets his thighs. He was softly moaning as my tongue worked its way downward. I pushed my hands up his thighs and tilted his ass up to zeroed in on his hole. He has such a hot small smooth little ass. My tongue lightly lapped upwards swabbing from his crack back to his balls and back. Then I zeroed in and went right for his hole. Licking and sucking. Pushing my face in to get deeper I really worked my tongue in. Laying on the bed grindign my dick into the cover while I rimmed him I was really getting worked up I had to take a break. I quickly undressed and come up for a deep kiss. He grabbed my cock and stroked it a bit but it was all too much and moved back down to suck him. That did not last long before I was back munching on his hole.

Maybe because he had fallen asleep earlier or I was in a particularly aggressive mood, but I really took charge and grabbed those small ass cheeks in each hand and squeezed pushing them upwards and burying my face deep. I was really slurping when I suddenly had to rub the head of my cock on his hole. Now I always practice safe sex, but man was I tempted to slide it right in. Instead I slapped it on his cheeks and rubbed it around. He seeemed to get really into this, writhing on the bed and grabbing at my cock. The friction of his ass cheeks on my cock was too much as I really felt close so I backed away but oozed out a bunch of precum. He scooped it up and sucked it off his fingers. That reminded me how much he loves to eat my precum, so I scooted up and straddled his chest and let him suck it out of my cock. He became more animated, sucking and moaning. It was all too much and I tried to hold off but ended cumming a bit - out of all the excitement. It wasn't a good orgasm it was one of those when you try to hold off but can't help it and end up oozing but not really getting off - he enjoyed the ooze and I fed him some drops that landed on his collar bone.

(Too be continued)

Story Part 2

2007-10-04T21:04:00.000-04:00

Warning:
This story contains sexual subject matter containing gay sex - if you are under 18 or offended by this please do not read!

Part 2

David's tongue shot into my anus with a near wanton fervor. Mel
ground his big cock into David's pert ass. David moaned in pleasure
and I could tell by his hiss, and discomfort. I like it that he was
stuffed full of cock. I also liked that he was so hot and yet a bit
uncomfortable. Not that I wanted to hurt my buddy, but I wanted him to
remember this night. The possibility that we wouldn't be able to hook
up again was real. I knew I did. I wanted him for my stable of men,
like Mel. But I knew our continued fucking might get into a gray area
he may not being willing to stay.

After around 15 mins of tonguing my ass, I pushed Mel out of his ass.
David groaned at the loss of the plowing. I got up off David's face
which was red, flushed and covered in sweat from my ass and his own
saliva. I kissed him, jamming my tongue into his hot fucking mouth.

Spinning around, my back to his face, I sat on David's hard cock, the
head bigger than the shaft popped into my hole. Both of us moaned.
Then I grabbed him, and rolled over so I was on bottom, on my stomach.
And before David could start his own fucking motion, Mel immediately
replaced his cock into David's Ass.

David groaned feeling Mel's 8 inch cock drive back into his body. I
could feel David's cock swell at the increased stimulation to his
prostate. With only 5 long and hard strokes of Mel's cock in David's
ass, David came, shuddering on me. His cock spewed cum in me. He
started to cry a bit, murmuring how sorry he was, and he started to
pull out of me.

"NO!" I barked, and I grabbed David's posterior and held him deep
still in my ass. His cock hadn't gone down. "Mel, fuck him hard."
At the Mel started to slam his cock harder and harder into David.

"What are you doing to me?" moaned David.

"We're fucking you and you're gonna fuckin' dump another load in my
ass, buddy," I said as I held David's cheek against mine. David
surprised my turning my own face and pressing his lips to mine.

"Thank you," he said as his cock again swelled. But this time he
didn't cum. I was gonna show my buddy how to top. I knew he had some
fears about cumming to soon, and not being able to satisfy a bottom.
But now with Mel topping him, and David topping me, it was my
intention that he come to a realization of his own place in the
continuum. I rimmed him blind. I got him fucked. He was already well
acquainted with being on bottom. Now with his rimming and fucking me,
of not being rejected for cumming so soon in my ass, of staying hard,
he was going to feel my ass' ministrations on his cock. "Oh, Sean,
you're milking my cock. I can feel it," David then hissed as Mel
raked his cock back and forth over David's prostate.

Mel held David pinned to my back. All David could do was to take
Mel's fuck. Securely horsed in my ass, pinned to my back, David and I
kissed as Mel started to open up some seriously fuck action on David's
hole. Mel started to really jack hammer David. His hips smacked
against David's hot buttery anus & buns. I could feel David's cock in
my ass, reach further with each of Mel's strokes. David started to
groan and sob uncontrollably. "Oh my god!" he murmured over and over
his cheek and mine jammed together.

"Ride it, Buddy, don't try and stop it." I begged David. At that
moment there was no place I wanted to be except connected to David by
his cock. His cum churned in my ass with Mel's vicious ass pounding.

After half an hour of this unrelenting pace, Mel came. He roared and
collapsed on both of us. His body spasming, I loved the weight of
both of these lovers on me, pinning me to the bed. Mel eventually got
off, his cock popping free of David's wide open pink hole. Mel's cum
flowed out like a fountain. Diving into David's ass, Mel scooped up a
mouthful, then turned our faces, and pushed some into David's mouth
and my own. We feasted on Mel's sperm.

I then whispered into Mel's ear, "Can Dave fuck you?" Mel grunted,
"Hoo-Rah." He left into the bathroom.

Still connected by David's cock, I had David scoop up as much of Mel's
cum drizzling out of his open hole, and then draw out his own cock,
and smear Mel's cum on his shaft and fuck it into me. Now we were
totally connected by Mel's fuck.

I then pushed him back slightly, and rose up on my knees. "C'mon,
fucker, fuck the snot out of me." I grasped his ass cheeks in my
hands, making him grind his balls on my hole. David tentatively
started to fuck me. "Dave! FUCK ME!"

"I don't want to hurt you." He whispered.

"Dude, I want you to open up as hard and as fast as you can," I looked
back at him, and I knew what I would say next would unlock the top
energy in him. I whispered hoarsely, "please." My tone, begging for
him, hit him. His eyes got a seriously focused glare. He pulled 'til
just his cock head was in my butt. Then he jammed hard into my ass.
Our bodies slapped, his balls slapped my own. We both grunted.

Mel was hosing his ass out in my bathroom. We could hear him move his
bowels as David stared to really jack hammer his cock into me. Sweat
from his drenched hair hit my back. I was sobbing with how great this
fucking was. It was great 'cause it was my buddy, my hot fucking buddy
fucking me, just like the top he wanted to be.

(To be continued)

A story inspired by my butt

2007-10-01T00:33:00.000-04:00

I have an online buddy who loves the pics of my ass he has seen. The other day he said he was gonna write a story inspired by the picture. Here is his story ...

I have a friend, crazy Ray, who has this bizarre rule that you're
either a friend or a fuck buddy. If he's interested in a guy he's
just met, there's a short window of possibility of being a fuck buddy,
after which if nothing is consummated, the guy is put into the friends
category. After that, he never looks at the guy as a fuck buddy ever
again.

I've learned that's just a fucked up way of conducting a life. I've
had a few guys who started off as fuck buddies, and ended up as
friends with benefits, and I've had the extreme pleasure of having
friends, really attractive friends, totally develop into fuck buddies.

My name's Sean, and that's what happened between myself, and my hot
fucker of a friend, David.

David's a handsome man in this 30s, with light eyes and brown hair,
tight body and an ass that is so scrumptious, I drooled the first time
I saw it across a crowded room. His ass is pert, like 2 cantaloupes.

We met at a porno club. Porno clubs are all tricky things. We get
together, watch pornos and then discuss them, both for production
value and content. I contend that the best pornos show outstanding
fucking, and thus can teach. The worst are totally mercenary, showing
uninspiring fucking that is tantamount to mutual masturbation in an
ass. The problem with these clubs is, it can quickly devolve into
jack off parties or full blown orgies.

Now, I'm all for orgies, but that's really not what I go for in a
porno club. I go for connecting with guys who share my passion for
great porno. I'm not talking about clinical discourse either, I'm
talking about illuminating things about fucking, sucking, rimming, and
enthusiasm. I know, I know, I come off like some radical loon at
times when I get up to talk about porno. And it was this passion that
caught David's attention.

Our club lasted for like 2 years before breaking up. During those two
years, I'd speak about my favorite director, William Higgins, with a
reverence unparalleled. I'd hold David's rapt attention, sometimes
staring into his light eyes, delivering my sermon on hot fucking.
When he got up to talk about his own take on the fuck scenes we'd just
scene, I'd check out his tight body, definition, cock and ass, through
his clothes.

When our facilitator decided to close the group, David and I were at a
loss. We enjoyed our near fanatical discourse, and to be fair, there
were others who also liked the lively discussions. So, after the last
meeting, David and I went for coffee afterwards. After an hour of
bitching about what had been wrong and what we would have done. David
then had the idea to start his own porno group, just as the coffee
house said it was closing up. I mentioned I lived not too far, how
bout we go back to my place to hash it out.

Coffee gave way to liquor as we sat down on my sofa to talk about what
would be necessary to start up our own porno group. We'd need a place
to do it, probably a web site to connect interested men, etc. David
asked to use the bath room. I told him where it was. As he was in
the can, the phone rang. It was Mel. Mel was a Marine who came
around every other week to fuck me. I really knew that Mel probably
was a unexpressed bottom, as I believe all Marines are, but on his
journey towards bottom hood, he got to put his fat 8" into my ass.
David came out as I was talking to Mel. I told Mel I was busy, and
couldn't hook up. David immediately whispered that he should go, that
he didn't want to interfere with my fucking.

I held up my hand and told Mel to come around two hours later. Mel
didn't like to wait, but grumbled okay. David reiterated he had to
go. I told him nonsense, stay and talk some more. But I did say I
should get my stuff ready. David was curious. He always had a keen
interest in my sex life, because he was in a relationship and didn't
get much, quite frankly. And he was envious of my ability to line up
hot men and fuck.

I'm pretty much a bottom. David bottoms but yearns to top
occasionally. So he asked what were my preparations. He seemed
genuinely interested in my routine to get ready for bottoming so I led
him on my trip. I got out my butt douching apparatus, and then was
like hesitant, but then thought, fuck it. I took off my clothes and
put the tube up my ass and filled my ass and gut with soapy water. He
watched with intensity... and I noticed he was getting hard in his
pants. He only left me alone when I was emptying my bowels on the
toilet. He was really incredulous that I did about 5 gallons of water
over the course of 20 mins. I told him it would take another 45 for
all the water to drop down and finally be whistle clean.

I then said carefully, "you wanna try it?" He got this slightly
guarded look. I could tell something was shifting in his head. It
was if he was rearranging things in his head. When he took a deep
breath and said, "yeah, okay." I started to get hard. I took his
shirt off, then he took his shoes and socks off. Then off came his
pants and underpants. My buddy was fucking hot.

"You got rad definition, Dave." I ran my hand down his chest and belly.

He shivered, "thanks."

I got another tube nozzle out, poured alcohol in a basin, and immersed
it. Then I had David turn around and that heavenly ass came into
view. My dick filled up with more lust. It was pretty smooth, and
pert...that was the word that kept coming to mind. After a couple of
mins in the alcohol bath, I took the nozzle and rinsed it throughly,
and plugged it into the hose. I ran my hand over his creamy buns, so
soft, he shivered again. I coated the nozzle with lube. I stood up
and whispered in his ear, "spread your ass for me, buddy." He
breathed really deep and reached back and pulled his hot fucking ass
cheeks apart. I saw his pink hole, so small, so tight. I put my
finger on his hole. He began to shake a little as I rubbed his
pucker. He moaned as I inserted my finger. And my dream began to
unfold. I'd dreamed of getting my hands on David's body for 2 years.
He's handsome and has this wicked ass that could turn bottoms into
tops. I lubed his hole, careful to not take too long. Then I
inserted the nozzle and after a quiet moan from his lips I let the
warm soapy water up his ass.

"David, man you have such a beautiful ass," said I as I held the
nozzle firmly against his hole.

Gasping, he said, "you have a great ass yourself."

"Thanks, buddy," I said, as I ran my hand over his buns, "a man could
lose himself in your butt."

I left him alone as he voided his bowels on the toilet, just as he had
done with me. And it wasn't lost on him that I was fully hard as I
walked away. We continued irrigating his ass until the water, like my
own, ran clear. He marveled at how empty his gut and colon felt. It
wasn't lost on me either that he was fully hard.

I stood next to him at his side, my cock sliding to the back of his
right thigh. "Do you mind?" I asked rhetorically as I ran my left
hand over his ass. So soft was his ass, I murmured, "fuck." I could
feel him trembling through his soft, smooth ass. My cock leaked some
precum on the back his thigh. Breathing heavily, he gasped as I took
my right hand and grasped his hard cock. I put my lips to his right
shoulder from the side, and kissed him lightly, as I ran my left hand
over his ass, groping, squeezing his cheeks. He cocked his head to
the side and rested his ear on the top of my head. It was such a
wonderful moment, holding my friend by his cock and ass, that he was
letting me hold him like that, that he trusted me with his sex, that
he wanted this attention. I held his cock by his base, also cupping
his balls, his precum leaking on my forearm.

"Fuck, Dave, I've wanted you for 2 god damned years," I groaned as I
turned his head and stuck my tongue in his mouth. He whimpered back
into my mouth as he sucked my tongue. I guided him back to my bed and
pushed him down, breaking our kiss. Then I flipped him on his tight
belly firmly. I was going to drive this first of what I hoped would
be many fucks. I spread his thighs, so I could see his pink hole, my
own personal heaven of the moment. I dove into his butt hole with my
tongue, which was pointed into a tiny flesh missile. David hissed as
I speared his anus. I repeatedly stabbed past his sphincter with my
tongue. Even though I'm a righteous bottom, who can bring a top to
tears with my ass' undulations, I'm a rimming king. I can turn some
tops into bottoms by merely rimming them, and I can drive some bottoms
into raving maniacs, who speak in tongues from my own tongues'
ministrations.

I stopped fucking his hole with my tongue and proceeded to lick his
perineum over his hole, up to the small of his back. "You're gonna
know what this beautiful ass is for, when we're done, buddy," growled
into his cheeks, as I rained kissed all over his smooth butt.

"FUCK!" he gasped, grinding his cock into my mattress. Dave reached
behind him and grasped my head, pulling me into his crack, as I licked
with broad strokes over his hole. I spread his cheeks with my hands
and licked the inner curve of his butt. I spread them painfully open
and got as much of my tongue into his body. In fifteen minutes his
hole was relaxed and buttery. In a half an hour of my continually
raping his anus with my tongue it was gaping open. In 45 minutes he
had his knees under his body, his ass pushed back as far as he could,
riding my tongue, fucking himself on my tongue, as I held his ass
cheeks apart, squeezing those pert buns.

In an hour the door buzzed to my apartment. Damn, Mel was here.
David suddenly came out of his rapture, "oh, shit, I should go."

I rained down a huge slap on David's ass. He yelped as my hand print
showed red on his beautiful butt. "You're not going anywhere," I said
forcefully. And though David didn't like being dominated in bed, he
stopped in his tracks. I pushed my finger into his gaping, winking
hole, all the way to his prostate. "Please." I whispered, raking my
finger over his prostate. David closed his eyes and moaned.

I reluctantly let go of David's hole, my own personal heaven at that
moment and went to let Mel in. Mel came in wearing nothing but a wife
beater, sweats and sandals. Mel, himself, was 6 feet tall, 200 pounds
of hard, rippling muscle. Broad of shoulder, with an 8 pack, blond
buzzed hair, an 8" cock, full pink lips and sporting his own bubble
butt, Mel got a quizzical look on his face when I took him aside and
told him he'd have an extra ass to fuck tonight.

Mel took his clothes off in an almost theatrical flair. He grasped my
own buns and gripped them firmly. Top energy. We walked back into
the room to find David finger fucking his relaxed hole. When David
saw Mel, his jaw dropped. Mel was right up David's alley body wise.
Muscle, it always got David going in the porno club, and in person, I
saw the hypnotic effect muscle had on the boy with the pert fucking ass.

"Fuck his throat," I said to Mel, and then got back to eating David.
Mel grunted, and went around the head of the bed, getting up and
rubbing his big cock head on David's lips. I felt David's hole throb
as Mel started to ease his fat cock in and out of my handsome friend's
face. A tunnel, David became a tunnel of man pleasure. His mouth was
a tube for Mel's cock. His gaping, man hole was my own play ground.
As he got into his own rhythm, pulling off Mel's cock, pressing
against my face, he then pushed Mel deep into his throat, coming off
my tongue, I reached under the bed for lube. I lubed my cock, and
timed my move. As he pulled off my face I moved like lightning so
that my hands where on either side of his chest under his arms. As he
pushed back against where my tongue used to be, he impaled himself on
my cock.

"Oh!" he gasped as his anus spread a bit wider for my penis. Mel,
watching my move, took that exact moment to slide his cock into Dave's
oh-formed mouth. There was my hot fucker of a friend, David, impaled
on cock. Totally impaled. He arched his ass against my pubes.

Balls deep I hissed, "Holy fuck, he's tight." I then bent down and
licked the back of David's neck. His eyes clouded with tears as Mel
held David's head in a firm grip, slightly sawing his cock in and out
of David's gullet. When Mel let David off his cock, I moved my hands
under David's chest and grasped his pink nips and tweaked them.

"Aw, FUCK!" groaned David as he pushed back hard against my pubes.
Then he jammed his face back down on Mel's big prick. Slowly I began
to move in and out of David's ass. I couldn't believe I was fucking
the hottest butt around. We fucked David. We fucked his ass, and
fucked his mouth. But so too, David fucked himself on our cocks. He
set up the rhythm once again, impaling his ass on my cock, and pulling
off of Mel's, and then sliding that big prick into his throat, as he
eased off my own cock to the just the head in his butt lips. David
built up his own fast pace and soon I couldn't hold back. I came in my
buddy's ass, as I did so I tweaked his nips hard, maybe too
hard...David groaned around that big 8" cock.

I pulled out of his ass, to his whimpering of being empty. And in 30
seconds, Mel and I had changed places. David groaned around my cock,
as Mel's big, fat penis pushed into David's anus. And that made Mel
hiss, "you're fucking right he's tight! Damn, this feels like virgin
hole, thank fuck, you creamed his hole, otherwise he'd rip apart."

I looked down into David's flushed, handsome face, his eyes looking
with so much lust up into my eyes. His lips milking my cock, tasting
my load and his own butt juice, I caressed his face. He pulled off my
cock and sucked my balls into his mouth. I groaned as he rolled them
around in his mouth. He bit down lightly at the base of my nuts, as
Mel slid all the way to the balls. He whimpered at feeling so stuffed
with cock in his hole.

Mel flipped David over onto his back. I slid my cock back into
David's mouth, and put David's knees behind my shoulders, as I sucked
his cock to the balls. So we were basically in a 69, with David
getting fucked by a hot, muscle Marine with a big 8 inch cock. I held
onto David, bracing him for the onslaught that Mel began. David
started to groan around my cock, as Mel started to really pump penis
in and out of David's hole. I felt Mel's 8 pack hit the top of my
head, wham, wham, wham. I pulled off my buddy's cock and pulled my
own out of his mouth, then slid my hole down on his own mouth.
Without hesitation, he jammed his tongue into my hole.

(to be continued)

Kol Nidre

2007-09-21T23:05:00.001-04:00

So one of the reasons this blog is called Meshugener Gay is that I am jewish and meshugener is the yiddish word for "a madman, lunatic, crazy person". Not that I am really crazy but I think sometimes I feel a bit like a lunatic balancing the elements in my identity. Take tonight for example:

I am sitting in synagogue - taking the Kol Nidre service (I will explain this in a couple minutes) rather seriously and then in a less participatory part of the program doze off for a bit and my mind wanders to sex. I think I was having a mini-dream where I was having sex. Now, Yom Kippur is maybe one of the most serious jewish holidays. The Kol Nidre service is the first night - and is metaphorically set up like a tribunal. The ideas of judgement, atonement and self-introspection are infused in the liturgy. I find the opening prayer very moving and although I have huge ambivalence to the actual notion of God - I find the spiritual ideas and prayers to be very moving. And yet, my mind wanders to sex.

Okay, so would say this is not crazy - this is being a guy. I happen to agree. I don't beat myself up about my sexuality, my enjoyment of sex or when I express myself sexually (in ways some would describe as sinful). Rather I accept that as part of me and try to be as good and honest as I can in other aspects of my looney life.

If you want to know more about Kol Nidre I am including a link to the wikipedia page http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kol_Nidre and a humanistic interpretation http://www.shj.org/YK.htm

Getting the look right

2007-09-21T00:42:00.000-04:00

Well instead of writing about the hot sex I had tonight I ahve been obsessing about how the blog looks - since I am a newbie blogger I am trying to get a handle on how to change things without them looking stupid and learning to work with html ... was trying to post this pic ah well guess we can't get everything right ...

Horny Agnst

2007-09-20T13:55:00.000-04:00

This is not original.

I suppose right now thousands of men (gay or not) are at work, and are thinking of sex right now or at least something sexual or at least how horny they are right now.

For ages I have thought about starting a blog as a forum for various thoughts - sexual and otherwise. In other incarnations - I have moderated a gay erotic stories group on yahoo and decided to make this more personal.

The quick summary of how we got to this place is simple: repressed jewish guy tries to deny he is gay until the age of 34 and finally has sex with a man - kaboom - the flood gates open and life changes in subtle ways. The journey to being sexually and emotionally whole continues, while I also evolve professionally.

Stay tuned