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Hi,
I haven't blogged much lately.
Life has just gotten busy and I am in a big of sexual angst.
I love the man I am with but we haven't had sex in over a year. We are very tender and physical with each other, kissing, cuddling and touching, but it doesn't result in sex. After eight years together we have gravitated to what works and avoid the tension when sex happens. Part of it is that we see sex so differently.

No matter if I am with a friend, lover, or stranger I tend to be passionate. I look for connection watch eyes, try to be responsive, but also like the mutual tug-of-war that goes on when two men get together.

The bf is a typical dominant top, he gets off on being served and dominating - two things that I find a turn-off.

So we avoid our difference and love each other for who we are.

Porn Actors Fade Away

Before I ever had sex with a man, I used to go to a web site called Live and Raw (it is still there – looked it up). Had Live sex shows and chat a chat room associated. In the end I went there more to chat and roleplay more than watch the porn. It is where I met the first guy I ever had sex with and it was the bridge to helping me come out. Of course Live and Raw is not the point of this post – Casey Williams is.

  Casey was a second tier porn actor. I have seen most to the videos he has done and none really did him justice. He was a regular on Live and Raw often moderating the chat rooms or filming the action. His scenes were always the hottest. It was as if left to his own devices he could have sex the way he wanted. He hasn’t done porn in years (I think) and was wondering what he was up to. Its sort of a fascination of mine – I think porn actors who actually live to be older – what happens to them – do they settle down and work retail?

My New Hero

Read this interview. Man does this guy tell it like it is.

http://www.advocate.com/News/Daily_News/2010/02/18/Military_Religious_Freedom_Foundation/

Whenever a virulent form of any religion has engaged the machinery of the state -– and by that, I’m talking about the armed forces, where the sticks and stones are that break our bones -- we end up with oceans and oceans of blood. And it’s happening again now.

-- Michael "Mikey" L. Weinstein, President, Military Religious Freedom Foundation

Baggy Jeans

I just watched a guy walk off the bus. He has on those baggy jeans that hang so low on his hips that you wonder were exactly his crotch is and if that is really comfortable. Having watched a Family Guy dvd last night where Peter sues his Doctor for sexual molestation  because of a prostate exam … I was thinking that those jeans might have something to do with hetrosexual american men’s fear of being fucked.

Think of it. If something is really bad a guy says “You are fucked” As if that is a bad thing. And if it is really horrible “Man  not only were you fuck but you got fucked up the ass – hard.” Once again as a gay man – we think that is not a bad thing –but the latent homosexuality – the ultimate fear is being violated. Go back to Family Guy and the prostate exam – Peter freaks out because his doctor touched his ass. All the other men in down cringe like rape victims when then talk about it. It was funny and offensive at the same time. The key is the fear of violation and how out of touch with their bodies all the characters were. Even though this was cartoon and comedy I think it represent that American male and his fear of gay men.

So we get back to the baggy jeans – they are baggy because they hide my ass – protecting my inner fears.

What is love anyway

So the bf and I are sitting on the couch. He asks me if you can know someone loves you just by what they do or how they behave towards you. And I think, of course, but being ever careful to random thoughts that seem to come out of no where, pause and ask. “…why do you ask.” After nearly eight years together I should know when I am about to fall into a trap versus his brain firing-off. Fortunately this was neither – he was responding to a friends of his Valentine’s Day post. The BF asserted that “love” is a “feeling” and that actions mean nothing if you don’t have that feeling. Did someone hear that tree fall in the forest? Yes, we were about to wade into the great mind body debate and I was just not going to go there.

All of this makes me think back to a time when people married out of convenience or duty and over the year bonded over something we would call love. Can we really love someone at first sight? I think possibly the bf would say he fell in love with me the moment we met and it took me a year to fall in love with him. That first day there was something about him that I definitely was intrigued by,but maybe that was just his feeling for me that I read. I think he was trying to show it and thinking back – I felt it. As we walked out of the coffee shop – and made the chit chat that people on an exploratory “coffee date” do, I tapped his arm and said that I wanted to see him again – and was clear that I don’t play games. He was caught off guard and stoic. In some ways he still is.

Time Flies

I wish I could regale you with stories of my sexual exploits the last two weeks, but the fact is besides lots of time watching porn and working too much nothing happened. Part of me can feel a certain satisfaction that I didn’t have sex while my bf was away, but in all honestly that satisfaction is a lie. I would of, if I could have so in the end I am just a looser.

For those who haven’t been devoted reader of my sporadic blogging (and who could blame you) in the eight or so years I have been with the bf – he has travelled often for work. In those times I often try and only rarely succeed to explore. I have met three different gay men – all also in long term relationships, with whom the sex is very good. In all of the cases, I enjoy them as people – really enjoy the sex. However, given the demands of discretion we are rarely able to meet-up.

In the eight years even though we have a loving relationship the actual sex has diminished to almost nothing.

I like to use the euphemism that we  aren’t well matched sexually or another way to put it is that we have different tastes. However, in the end it would be more realistic to say that we have both stopped trying. I mostly blame myself. Judgmentally, it is clear that he has intimacy issues and that given that I recognize this I should make the effort to bridge this. Of course this is not fair – I think he would say that he is a dominant top and not being submissive in any way we were never well matched. A deeper analysis would ask why I can’t get in touch with my submissive side if only to please the man I love – but even though I can enjoy taking a cock up my ass – I just can’t beg to be used. It just doesn’t work for me.

 

So after a crazy week of 14 hour days at work – I picked-up the bf at the airport and I really missed him. At night in bed as we cuddled, it felt right.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

For most of the seven years I have been “with” the bf, he has travelled regularly for work. Generally, this has been a few days once a month or as much a two-weeks every six months or so. During these small times apart, we stall in touch by phone. These times have also given me an opportunity to spend some time by myself and have occasional adventures. Since I have kept my own place and generally spend 90% of my time at his house when he is in town – these business trips have been invaluable pressure valves in our relationship.

Five months ago – the bf’s employment shifted as he hasn’t been on a trip since. It has been nice to have him around, but I was beginning to feel torn. Since I live in two locations I was beginning to feel ungrounded – needing to readjust and find some terra firma. I also  was looking forward to a chance to reconnect with some old friends and fuck buddies.

There are some who would say my need for these holidays points to a flaw in our relationship – and you may be right – but in some ways it works – giving us a breathe of fresh air and a time for distance to kick in and make the heart grow fonder.

He is leaving in a day … I am definitely having feeling of sadness and anxiety, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that part of me is excited. Stay tuned!

Happiness Cycles

I am 44.

The other day I was thinking about whether I was happy. Actually, I was really questioning when I forgot how to be happy. At the moment I was feeling sad, trapped and stagnating.

It just seems like somewhere along the way I lost the ability to find joy in the moment and understand how to live in the moment. I was pondering this while driving from a work meeting that kept me at the office until a bit past 8:00. Maybe I was just tired; regardless, there was nothing about my day, or the meeting or the fact that I was heading home to a loving boyfriend who moments ago on the telephone expressed genuine joy about the fact that I was indeed on my way to see him rather than go to my house. And yet I was sort of sad and pondering existential happiness.

For some reason I associate such existential dilemmas on adolescents. As a teenager I don’t believe I had this kind of angst, but it is the kind of spiral of that launches into the meaning of life and ends in a drunken stupor that I see as the struggle of the teen years. A more precise analysis would probably conclude that these crisis’s is cyclical. At many stages of our lives we look at where we are and start to think it is not where we want to be so we start to wax and spin about loosing something and missing some sort of past innocence.

It is easy to chock this all up to fear of impending mortality. It is easy to say all we need to do is be more zen and accept. All life might be suffering and it might be better to let it go, but what is the fun in that? The fact is every twelve to fifteen years (if we are lucky) we are going to look down at the wrinkles in our hands and wonder where did the fingers of youth go?

As children we long to be older so we can be taller or have more freedom or finally have sex. When was the point when we began to look backwards. Was it sometime in our twenties when we realized that this is all there is. (There is a good song with those lyrics).

Now at 44 I am healthy, financially stable and in relatively good shape. I am one of those gay men who can look back at the twenty something version of me and honestly say I am in better shape. My face was more youthful, but it wasn’t until my early 30’s that I started eating right and working out – so its not like I want to return to the body of that me – but I do long to go back and make some different decisions, to not have been afraid to leave the closet and really have a chance to explore.

In this cycle – I hope I can make peace with the me who mature, looks good with a few wrinkles and open to living life to the fullest.

New Year

So I have neglected this blog for the fall. I want to attempt to be more regular about my posting. This means that there may be more mundane thoughts about life and less sex, but that may be the price of more regular posting.

When I began this blog I was reading a number of other bloggers. Some have stopped others have accomplished what they hoped to through the blogging process. Right now I am at a place in my life where it would be good to write regularly and use this as a place to figure something's out.

If you are following, drop me a line so I know someone is out there.

Thanks

Meshugener

Internet Tragedy

I have a buddy online who I have known for over six years. When we started chatting he was completely closeted and over the six years he grew a lot, eventually met another closeted guy and they began to date. We would chat on msn. He was a very sexual person who was really growing into a mature gay relationship. Recently I noticed he wasn't online so I emailed him to see what is going on - I even emailed his bf. Yesterday I got an email from his bf which said:

"I have not been online for sometime. I suspect the same is true of Adam. We are no longer together. It is a long sordid story and probably Adam should tell it. I am struggling with my feelings. I still love Adam, but i guess i knew from the beginning it would not last, and I am the fool for thinking it would. I will tell you this much; Adam has been outed and he has run for cover. I am grateful that I have not been outed (at least not to my family) but i can see the day coming when I will tell them."

I don't know the details but what I suspect is that being out was too much and they broke off contact. This makes me sad for a number of reasons. First, I consider this guy a friend and my heart goes out to him. As a friend I wish I could help. I am sure he is lonely, isolated and scared. I have no idea how to get a hold of him or offer support I don't even know his last name. Two months ago I found out his father died in freak accident - I couldn't send a condolence card - because once again I didn't know his last name or address.

This is such a freakish world we live in because people we care about are mere ghosts. They can vanish and don't exist.

I would like to write more about the tragedy of love that is lost, but wanted to vent about how people can vanish in our internet world.

Watersports

So I need to catch up on stories ... in the midst of all the craziness I have hooked up twice with a bud in the last couple of weeks. Like always the sex is hot. The last time - he said he wanted to try some watersports. I thought we would never do it - we just get busy in the bed room and never make it to the bath room to really try it, but I had to pee - so we moved to the bathtub - he sort of laid down and asked me to pee on his chest and dick ... luckily this was not turning me on so my hard-on softened a bit and I let a bit off - he wanted me to save some so I could pee on his ass cheeks ... turns out it wasn't doing much for him either so we showered clean - and got back to business ...

... more later

Like a Hamster on a Tread Mill

It seems like we are destined to repeat patterns. All my life I tend to over program, over commit - and get myself too involved. Right now besides a busy work schedule I have two moon lighting jobs and running a volunteer thing that could be a full-time job for many - I still try to get to the gym 5x a week.

I feel like a Hamster on treadmill.

To make it worse I am having a rare outbreak of control issues. Instead of delegating some design things I am insisting on doing them myself even though I don't have time to play graphic designer ...

Deep breathes - of course last night at almost midnight instead of sleeping I was chatting on line and watching porn - so in the midst of all this craziness I squandered two valuable hours jacking off - does this make rational sense to anyone?

Conversation

I had this chat with a buddy of mine from Dudesnude.com


Scroll down his last post - very hot!

Buddy: Doing ok. Just read emails........off to bed. Long day. Late for YOU to be on here! GET TO SLEEP! ASAP!!! (You are married!?) Take Care Buddy

23 Jun 2009, 19:39
You: Hey my bf is out of town so I like to play ...

25 Jun 2009, 12:53
Buddy: GET TO HOUSTON THEN! I am headed to Charlotte in July. ;)

26 Jun 2009, 00:09
You: Are you moving to Charlotte or just vacationing?

Why not visit Boston we would have a wild visit

26 Jun 2009, 00:46
Buddy: Yes! You + Me + BF Hmmmmmmm That would be fun.......have you two ever? IT is fun........ I am headed to Charlotte to visit a friends Mother........Who through the years have stayed in contact with. Such a Fun Nice Lady(80's) Her son Michael passed away back in 1991. She misses him Dearly. Brings him up each time we talk. Felt it was time to SEE her while all is ok and she is still with us. :) Hmmmmmmmm

26 Jun 2009, 21:56
You: You are such a good boy.

We have done one threeway at a sauna in london. It was hot.

However, if you ever come to Boston I want you all to myself!

27 Jun 2009, 09:08
Buddy: I wonder after reading your Profile.....how much TROUBLE you really get into! Hmmmmmm! ;) So. Tell me who did what in the three way. Loved to have watched and then joined in. From what I remember your BETTER half ;) was nice looking. As far as Friends......Look for Good people. If you go into it looking at them as possible sex, etc. Not good long term. Then again it does work out... I have 5 long term Best Friends. All have been around longer then 10 years. YES I would want to Be with You as well........then maybe more with hubby. *(just to see how he fucks......maybe teach him by letting him watch me fuck you and how we both would really be into it ;) Sorry about loosing your job a while back. I did in 2000 One day just out the door. 17 years there. Crushed. Now. Love what I do but money is tight. I should have new pics on my site soon(someone is working on it for me for $$$ :*( Well, YOU BE GOOD

27 Jun 2009, 10:09
You: How much trouble?
Well, about two or three times a year I see one of three buds. All also have partners. We have a great time and its cool. Besides that I am a good boy. Wish you could teach my bf - the honest truth is we are all damaged in some ways - and I am not sure anyone can repair him but himself. I love him as he is - but sometimes I just have different needs that I am not sure he can fulfill.

Although it all sounds hot.

The threeway in the sauna in London - he fucked this guy from behind while the guy sucked me - I can remember - he had a shaved head and held his smooth head on my cock as I watched my bf pound him from behind - some stranger was working my nipples - it was pretty hot.

Odd you mentioned the job - I am supposed to have drinks with my old boss and last night I had dreams - still have lots of anger - although I love being a professor - directing a thesis program has is fun!

You sculpture is great so its good you changed!

can't wait to see the picks stud!

27 Jun 2009, 11:19
Buddy: Does the boyfriend Not want or mention a three way to you? How did the First one Happen......talked about beforehand? He is ok with it? You two talked afterwards? Just wondering what is in His mind. Tell him your desires.....needs in a good close loveing setting! ;) Then let him Fuck You for me............. ;*(

27 Jun 2009, 12:01
You: He has a hang up about threeways - when he was single he got into a messy thing with a couple - so he is cool with threeways when there is no potential for repeats like when we are in a sauna in London.

He liked the piggy raw(not unsafe but in the slutty sense) aspect of sex - he has an issue with intimacy - when we talk about sex and our issues he just says that I really don't like to bottom and we just like different things-he likes to dominate and I hate to submit and we are just different - what he doesn't understand is that getting off is okay but sometimes I need him to poor his love for me into the sex ... I don't know if I am explaining this right - but say when I give him a bj or a handjob he zones out - isn't there - I could be anyone - and that is alright sometimes, but its a chore to always have to refocus your partner in being "there" so I give up - does any of this make sense?

27 Jun 2009, 16:57
Buddy: It does............Not sure how to bring New Life back into that area for you. Books? Who knows. I can understand (at times) that most likely he is Fantizing while you suck him off.........just so he can focus....? I still think sometimes of a Coach from High School Down on me when in fact it is just someone ;) He says YOU don't want to bottom........for You want it slower, love making at times(which I love) vs him pounding that Sweet Ass of Yours ;) I have been with Aggressive people...they feel like sex has to be something they learned in a movie, etc....I slow them down.......gently touch them all over.......give body/back rubs to start......then get more sensual by licking Everywhere! Builds them up to Wanting it......then I slow Fuck them kissing and Chest to Chest Fucking for a while....then pull back some and take hold of his Cock and stroke him until we cum together...... Love that! Now! Can that be the same way All the time with the same person....Nope. Have to change things up......Just a Fast Good Fuck sometimes and get on with the day is good too! Let him have his way with you several times.........(lucky man) and see how it feels, works.....if he is more interested and then will take his time by you slowing him up. I love blindfolding one of my buddies.....while I have sex with him. It seems to change how you feel things. You FEEL everything vs sight. Next time you two get together and he is wanting to be sucked. Try a blindfold. Just try it. Towel over the eyes down to the nose area. Touch him all over very Very lightly! then start licking him.......his groin, legs(inner thigh), balls, chest, ribs, side of neck, then go down on him.....slowly softly with mouth only...then start using your hand with mouth and very wet....as you sense him getting closer.....just ever so slightly start to grasp a little more firm and stick out your tongue while your mouth is still going down on him and you are stroking him. Should be a Very Good Cum! :)

27 Jun 2009, 17:27
You: Oh man, why can't I be one of your buddies.

That email got me rock hard!

Seriously, it is very sweet of your to give advice. I really appreciate it and will try some of that stuff. As with all relationships it is just complicated. The day in and day out makes it easier to ignore problem and just appreciate each other - he is very sweet and loving person.

However, no matter how much I love him - there are certain people I have met on here that it would be lovely to have a night to enjoy each other - my sense is that you are a very good lover - just the way you talk about sex.

Glad I met you on here!

Now I am back to studying.

So sometimes it is better to live inside one's head
it is hard to live the life we want
and when we get a chance to do actually climb
the air gets thin

Down here on earth we have choices
Biting from the apple does nourish
the question is did the snake give it to us?

Just plain horny

Sitting here at work and I have a list of things to do, but man am I horny. I am dying to log on to manhunt or gay.com and see if any guys want to hook-up, but its too dangerous to use the internet at work for that stuff. Makes me want to pay the extra 20 a month and get internet on my phone so I can cruise for sex. Of course as I write that it makes me feel like an addict – needing my fix of internet porn or cruising. I suppose sex is an addiction. We men like to think of our constant jacking off as just our way of dealing with the genetic imperative to propagate the species. Since we can’t go around impregnating females we might as well jerk-off. As gay men it becomes almost a raison d’être. I have cum therefore I am.

Roll-over and assume the position

“Roll-over and assume the position,” was what I thought I heard as I was coming out of a deep sleep. BF had gotten up and I was vaguely aware of what was going on. His dick was hard and he was grabbing a towel and lube.

“What position? ... huh, what are you talking about ...” I croaked, stretched and rolled back over on the pillow.

“Head down – ass-up, “ he replied and crawled into bed.

“Sweetie – I am not awake and my stomache hurts,” every hour since 4 am I had been woken up with stomach pains ... next thing I knew he had given up on fucking me and was on his back jacking-off. Waves of guilt rolled over me and in my sleep addled state all the issues of our sexually dysfunctional relationship. After all neither of us has initiated sex in months and now he is asking and I am not only not fully awake, nor in the mood and to top it off – a bit funky because of my stomach. Half asleep I made an attempt to help and eyes closed played with his nipples as he jacked off.

Eventually he asked me to suck his nipples and he came. As his orgasm rocked through he cradled my head lovingly as I continued to flick my tongue over his nipples. Somehow the cuddle affirmed everything to me – yes I could rant and rave about how we are on different planets about sex. ..

... I could get on my pedestal about how the statement “roll over and assumed the position,” is so wrong when said to a sleeping bf.

.... I could beat myself up for not being the submissive bottom that my bf wants or beat him up for his inability to communicate his love and intimacy to me through sex.

In the end I love him.

He loves me.

And no matter how fucked up our sex life is – we have each other.

Don't Roll your Eyes

Our fair city is blessed with a series of paths that run along the river allowing one to bike/walk/ run from lots of areas to the downtown. It takes me about an hour to get from my house to my office all along the river with some minor crossing of streets and traffic.

On my way to work this morning I got to one part of the route where the pavement gets narrow, so that as a biker I have to be careful about pedestrians and runners. Generally, I warn people and tell them I am on their right or left and as I pass usually say thank-you.

So I see ahead of me two women jogging side by side. There was a narrow space between them and a fence. So I yelled ahead, but there was not response, they were too plugged into their IPods. As I got closer I said it again. Once again no response. Finally I shouted and one of the women pulled the other closer so I could pass. As I rode past I gave them a dirty look. The one woman yelled at me “don’t roll your eyes.” I decided not to reply but it really pissed me off.

We all have to share the road and have a responsibility to be aware of our surroundings. Clueless people who are so plugged in and cannot hear what is around them need to unplug and observe the rules of the road.

So I will continue to roll my eyes at clueless people!

What do bottoms think?

So even though I like being fucked as much as the next guy, I have to admit that I rarely crave it. In the heat of the moment sure I sometimes enjoy it, but when I am get horny I never think "... man I need a cock in me ..." its mostly about connection and the physical grinding of hot man to man fun.

When I have had bad sexual experiences it has been the while being fucked I loose interest. Usually, its a dominant top who just wants to pound and treat me like meat. The fucking doesn't feel bad it just doesn't feel like anything.

So I was curious about guys who crave cock up their ass? Big bottoms who just like to be pounded. What is going on in your head? Are you in a zone? Are you focused on the man above you? Can you visually you are being violated? What is it all about?

Late Night Ramble

So work has been busy.

I have been studying a lot for exams. Took one today - think I did alright - I definitely felt prepared. The next couple of weeks will be late nights at work big presentations.

Been trying to get to the gym a lot. I think the last two weeks I might have gotten there 6x a week. Hopefully with all that is on my plate I can keep it up. Its probably vanity but the truth is most of my life I have carried around the image of the slightly chunky nerd boy - who had a disdain for team sports. As I came to accept myself as a gay man I realized that those jocks with the hot bodies and comfort with themselves was the man I wanted to be. I like being physical and I have begun to embrace that. Right now my body is decent. With a push it could be hot, but I am not sure that is why I am pushing myself, I guess as I hit 44 this year keeping fit is about not giving into age. Gan't help posting Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig because they are over 40 and hot!

Its funny had some big drama with the bf. He dropped some bombs and then its back to normal. Been processing and thinking a lot about it. Ultimately I have got to be willing to show him the side of myself that wants to go dancing or hang out at gay pride or just be more out in the world. He doesn't have this need, but unless I show him that side of myself it will always be a double life that strangles me.

Finding my voice

Anyone that knows me will say that I am a pretty outspoken person. I can be very blunt and especially in a meeting situation will be someone who says what everyone else doesn't have the nerve to say.

However, when it comes to personally confronting someone in my life - I freeze up. Its like I have lost my voice. What makes it worse is that the thoughts rattle in my head, I have dreams about yelling and people and get a stomach ache.This is just a gratuitous hunky image because I haven't given y'all any eye candy