This was a hard weekend. In my personal life a couple bombshells were dropped including my bf finding out about my ad on manhunt.
I have to be honest I have been seriously thinking of pulling this blog. We like to fool ourselves that we can have this hidden double internet life and when part of that life becomes discovered it not only shatters the illusions but makes us want to hide. I am saying "we" because I have seen this on other blogs and have always wished the blogger kept writing. However, if I use this space as a shared diary telling things to strangers that I wouldn't want those close to me to know the importance of this shattered anonymity is critical. How honest can I be here if I am terrified about being discovered?
So here is the story.
I love my bf. The first year of the relationship was rocky and I came to that love kicking in screaming because he didn't have what I wanted in a relationship: he wasn't jewish, he has an explosive temper and after an outburst is done - doesn't want to talk about it; he doesn't appreciate art or design, he isn't a communicator, he is not by nature an open or a person of generous spirit. As time went on our love grew because: he adores me, I can be my complete silly unedited self (except sexually), we really enjoy travelling and spending time together and the most important thing, WE WANT TO BE WITH EACH OTHER. I know this may seem odd to some of you, but in my experience half of the success of a relationship is that simple decision to be with each other. Anyhow, by year two of the relationship I figured out two things: first, we are not sexually compatible and two, I needed more. I set-up a twisted logic. As long as he didn't know and I protected him - I could keep my sexual explorations to myself. By finding out about the manhunt ad it shatterd that. Of course I could have used that moment to come completely clean but something inside me stopped and I didn't.
So for those at home who have been wondering why I call this blog "meshugener" today's post exposes things about me and my life I consider crazy/screwed-up and a bit off. Take out your score cards kids cause he come the final tally:
a) My desire for a double life
b) Willing to say things on here that I wouldn't want the people I love know about
c) Continueing to gloss over the truth when presented with the opportunity to make things better.
Well, I have to run but there is a lot more I would like to say on this subject ...
Does any of this make sense to anyone out there?
Monday, May 18, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Everyone has a bad hookup
Many years ago I hooked up with this guy on gay.com. We will call him S.
It wasn't long after I started having sex with men and I don't remember him all that well. He was in his early 30's short, thin, slightly hairy and jewish. He fucked me and I think I came twice which he thought was the coolest thing. Over the years I have "bumped" into him on gay.com and we talked about doing again. For a couple years we tried to a threeway with another guy, but it never happened. In fact through S that I met P. P and hooked up a number of times and had fun sex before P moved to Atlanta.
Flash forwward to a month ago when S hit me up on gay.com and we talked about getting together. S is now married to his bf and they have adopted children but he still wants some adventure. He keeps wanting me to find a partner for the threeway. With his schedule it is really hard and most of the time I would rather just stay with the FB that I have such trouble seeing.
So last week he emails me and introduces me to B. B has the house to himself for a month. So we started talking abuot getting together. So today, I started chatting with B on gay.com today and we decided that I would come over after the gym. I got there - he wasn't really my type but I had driven all that way so we started making out and it really wasn't working for me - I felt bad and tried to stay cause he was all excited, but he started going at my nips a bit too aggressively and I looked up and saw pictures of his daughters - and I was completely not into it and apologized and left.
I feel horrible, but it just wasn't working for me.
It wasn't long after I started having sex with men and I don't remember him all that well. He was in his early 30's short, thin, slightly hairy and jewish. He fucked me and I think I came twice which he thought was the coolest thing. Over the years I have "bumped" into him on gay.com and we talked about doing again. For a couple years we tried to a threeway with another guy, but it never happened. In fact through S that I met P. P and hooked up a number of times and had fun sex before P moved to Atlanta.
Flash forwward to a month ago when S hit me up on gay.com and we talked about getting together. S is now married to his bf and they have adopted children but he still wants some adventure. He keeps wanting me to find a partner for the threeway. With his schedule it is really hard and most of the time I would rather just stay with the FB that I have such trouble seeing.
So last week he emails me and introduces me to B. B has the house to himself for a month. So we started talking abuot getting together. So today, I started chatting with B on gay.com today and we decided that I would come over after the gym. I got there - he wasn't really my type but I had driven all that way so we started making out and it really wasn't working for me - I felt bad and tried to stay cause he was all excited, but he started going at my nips a bit too aggressively and I looked up and saw pictures of his daughters - and I was completely not into it and apologized and left.
I feel horrible, but it just wasn't working for me.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
How it should be when two men come together
So five minutes ago my buddy K left.
K is also partnered. Met him on Manhunt - took about two years to finally meet - turns-out he lives five minutes away. We see each other about twice a year. He is 48 5'-6" slim, nicely muscled with a trimmed chest. We never have enough time but the time we do is always great. Today he said he has about a half hour between a haircut and the gym and said he would come over and get me off. I said he isn't coming over unless he enjoys himself too.
So I met him at the door in red gym shorts, white t-shirt no underwear or socks.
We started making out the second he was in the door.
"I thought you were going to be naked...?" he said and I remembered that I told him in my email that I would be waiting naked and ready.
"I got lazy ..." and he started undressing me as we made out him fully dressed. He gently push my hands to the front door and started licking my nips my hard cock jammed against his shorts. It felt hot to be standing naked in the entry to my house with him fully dressed. Chills ran up my spine cock throbbing. He moved up to my face our lips barely touching and then smiled impishly and backed away lips just out of reach and then coming close my cock slipping between his legs rubbing against his shorts. His hand reaching around it and slowly stroking. His fingers tweaking my nips. "is that porn you have on?" I laughed, "...yeah I left it on upstairs ..."
I suggested going upstairs but first wanted to grab my shorts from the floor, he wrapped his hands around me from behind and held me - rubbing his hands over my torso. "leave them." Naked I walked up the stairs ahead of him - my ass cheeks wiggling - an open invitation for him to slap them.
Upstairs we got to the side of my bed and were making out again. I have to admit that I stopped writing and grabbed lunch and now only an hour later the details are fuzzy. What remains in my head is the sensual way our bodies came together at the side of the bed. How his body fit perfectly next to me and how I thought this is the way it should be when two men come together. Lips, hands and bodies coming together for mutual pleasure.
I have a fleeting memory of him undressing and our bodies coming together. Licking his neck, shoulders and then my tongue flicking between arm pit and pec. My hands lightly tracing his shoulders, tongue flicking over one nipple and then the other. Planting kisses down his torso until I buried my face in the crook between thigh and balls, nose in his bush, licking. Opening wide I opened my mouth wide and took his cock deep in my mouth. Many would say K has a small dick - I would say it is medium and perfect. Maybe six inches and cut I can easily let it hit the back of my mouth and hold it there letting it fill my mouth. Love just to hold it there and hear him moan as his hands knead my shoulders, my mouth slowly working back up, tongue sliding up him. I really got into sucking him, slow and deep.
K is also partnered. Met him on Manhunt - took about two years to finally meet - turns-out he lives five minutes away. We see each other about twice a year. He is 48 5'-6" slim, nicely muscled with a trimmed chest. We never have enough time but the time we do is always great. Today he said he has about a half hour between a haircut and the gym and said he would come over and get me off. I said he isn't coming over unless he enjoys himself too.
So I met him at the door in red gym shorts, white t-shirt no underwear or socks.
We started making out the second he was in the door.
"I thought you were going to be naked...?" he said and I remembered that I told him in my email that I would be waiting naked and ready.
"I got lazy ..." and he started undressing me as we made out him fully dressed. He gently push my hands to the front door and started licking my nips my hard cock jammed against his shorts. It felt hot to be standing naked in the entry to my house with him fully dressed. Chills ran up my spine cock throbbing. He moved up to my face our lips barely touching and then smiled impishly and backed away lips just out of reach and then coming close my cock slipping between his legs rubbing against his shorts. His hand reaching around it and slowly stroking. His fingers tweaking my nips. "is that porn you have on?" I laughed, "...yeah I left it on upstairs ..."
I suggested going upstairs but first wanted to grab my shorts from the floor, he wrapped his hands around me from behind and held me - rubbing his hands over my torso. "leave them." Naked I walked up the stairs ahead of him - my ass cheeks wiggling - an open invitation for him to slap them.
Upstairs we got to the side of my bed and were making out again. I have to admit that I stopped writing and grabbed lunch and now only an hour later the details are fuzzy. What remains in my head is the sensual way our bodies came together at the side of the bed. How his body fit perfectly next to me and how I thought this is the way it should be when two men come together. Lips, hands and bodies coming together for mutual pleasure.
I have a fleeting memory of him undressing and our bodies coming together. Licking his neck, shoulders and then my tongue flicking between arm pit and pec. My hands lightly tracing his shoulders, tongue flicking over one nipple and then the other. Planting kisses down his torso until I buried my face in the crook between thigh and balls, nose in his bush, licking. Opening wide I opened my mouth wide and took his cock deep in my mouth. Many would say K has a small dick - I would say it is medium and perfect. Maybe six inches and cut I can easily let it hit the back of my mouth and hold it there letting it fill my mouth. Love just to hold it there and hear him moan as his hands knead my shoulders, my mouth slowly working back up, tongue sliding up him. I really got into sucking him, slow and deep.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Rewind to a couple posts ago
So like a tease - a couple months ago I posted that I had mixed feelings about my bf leaving on a business trip. I love him and whenever he leaves I know I will miss him, but the same time I look forward to the freedom and the chance for some sexual adventure.
More and more I think about how dysfunctional our relationship is in regards to sex. For the past two years I have been stubborn in refusing to deal with it. I often wonder what he thinks. Doesn't he miss having sex. He says - getting off is getting off, but doesn't he miss sharing that passion with the man he loves. My sexual fantasies have been more and more like a Harlequin romance - just more and more explicit. Yes, we kiss and cuddle but actual sexual communication is non-existent and like an elephant in the room we just ignore it - completely!
The bottom line is I manage the idiosyncrasies of so many people. Managing people and not expressing myself is about survival. Trying to untangle the mess the bf and I have about sex is just one task I am not up for right now and will put me over the edge.
More and more I think about how dysfunctional our relationship is in regards to sex. For the past two years I have been stubborn in refusing to deal with it. I often wonder what he thinks. Doesn't he miss having sex. He says - getting off is getting off, but doesn't he miss sharing that passion with the man he loves. My sexual fantasies have been more and more like a Harlequin romance - just more and more explicit. Yes, we kiss and cuddle but actual sexual communication is non-existent and like an elephant in the room we just ignore it - completely!
The bottom line is I manage the idiosyncrasies of so many people. Managing people and not expressing myself is about survival. Trying to untangle the mess the bf and I have about sex is just one task I am not up for right now and will put me over the edge.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Lame
Yes, this is the obligatory I am so lame for ignoring my blog post.
Now is the obligatory moment where I whine about the fact that it didn't seem to matter to anyone.
The truth is that I think often about writing - usually in places where I don't have access to the internet. I would like to use this as a space to write and record thoughts and ideas - and if anyone listens cool but who knows ...
Now is the obligatory moment where I whine about the fact that it didn't seem to matter to anyone.
The truth is that I think often about writing - usually in places where I don't have access to the internet. I would like to use this as a space to write and record thoughts and ideas - and if anyone listens cool but who knows ...
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Freedom or Sorrow
This morning I drove the BF to the airport. He is going to be gone for a couple weeks for a business trip in Asia. I am going to miss him. At the same time I am looking forward to the freedom. Deep down I don't find it odd or psychologically tenuous to have this sadness of him leaving for so long and simultaneously looking forward to the time it will allow for me to do things that I usually don't while he is around. The part that some in society would question is the fact that I view this time as a sexual playground. The moralists out there will judge. And I suppose a blog titled "Meshugener" seems appropriate for someone who has constructed such denials.
The upshot is that I am going to try to blog daily during this time about how I use my freedom and what I do with the feeling of sexual expectation that this freedom has unleashed.
At the same time only one person has my heart - explain that if you can!
The upshot is that I am going to try to blog daily during this time about how I use my freedom and what I do with the feeling of sexual expectation that this freedom has unleashed.
At the same time only one person has my heart - explain that if you can!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Its the little things
Okay gentle readers, if you have a spare barf bag taken as a souvenir from a flight, please pull it out now, because this post may sicken some of you.
This morning, like most mornings I got up while the bf was still asleep. I took a shower and then headed downstairs to dress while eating. Arriving in the kitchen, I found the electric kettle boiled, a bowl of cereal ready, with a banana, spoon, napkin all ready for the milk.
The bf got up, set up my breakfast and went back to sleep. I know it is silly, but that tiny act made me smile and filled me with love. Yes, sexually we don't have a great relationship, but its the little things that fill me with love and sometimes you got to share it, even if it is a bit nauseating.
This morning, like most mornings I got up while the bf was still asleep. I took a shower and then headed downstairs to dress while eating. Arriving in the kitchen, I found the electric kettle boiled, a bowl of cereal ready, with a banana, spoon, napkin all ready for the milk.
The bf got up, set up my breakfast and went back to sleep. I know it is silly, but that tiny act made me smile and filled me with love. Yes, sexually we don't have a great relationship, but its the little things that fill me with love and sometimes you got to share it, even if it is a bit nauseating.
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