Just plain horny

Sitting here at work and I have a list of things to do, but man am I horny. I am dying to log on to manhunt or gay.com and see if any guys want to hook-up, but its too dangerous to use the internet at work for that stuff. Makes me want to pay the extra 20 a month and get internet on my phone so I can cruise for sex. Of course as I write that it makes me feel like an addict – needing my fix of internet porn or cruising. I suppose sex is an addiction. We men like to think of our constant jacking off as just our way of dealing with the genetic imperative to propagate the species. Since we can’t go around impregnating females we might as well jerk-off. As gay men it becomes almost a raison d’être. I have cum therefore I am.

Roll-over and assume the position

“Roll-over and assume the position,” was what I thought I heard as I was coming out of a deep sleep. BF had gotten up and I was vaguely aware of what was going on. His dick was hard and he was grabbing a towel and lube.

“What position? ... huh, what are you talking about ...” I croaked, stretched and rolled back over on the pillow.

“Head down – ass-up, “ he replied and crawled into bed.

“Sweetie – I am not awake and my stomache hurts,” every hour since 4 am I had been woken up with stomach pains ... next thing I knew he had given up on fucking me and was on his back jacking-off. Waves of guilt rolled over me and in my sleep addled state all the issues of our sexually dysfunctional relationship. After all neither of us has initiated sex in months and now he is asking and I am not only not fully awake, nor in the mood and to top it off – a bit funky because of my stomach. Half asleep I made an attempt to help and eyes closed played with his nipples as he jacked off.

Eventually he asked me to suck his nipples and he came. As his orgasm rocked through he cradled my head lovingly as I continued to flick my tongue over his nipples. Somehow the cuddle affirmed everything to me – yes I could rant and rave about how we are on different planets about sex. ..

... I could get on my pedestal about how the statement “roll over and assumed the position,” is so wrong when said to a sleeping bf.

.... I could beat myself up for not being the submissive bottom that my bf wants or beat him up for his inability to communicate his love and intimacy to me through sex.

In the end I love him.

He loves me.

And no matter how fucked up our sex life is – we have each other.

Don't Roll your Eyes

Our fair city is blessed with a series of paths that run along the river allowing one to bike/walk/ run from lots of areas to the downtown. It takes me about an hour to get from my house to my office all along the river with some minor crossing of streets and traffic.

On my way to work this morning I got to one part of the route where the pavement gets narrow, so that as a biker I have to be careful about pedestrians and runners. Generally, I warn people and tell them I am on their right or left and as I pass usually say thank-you.

So I see ahead of me two women jogging side by side. There was a narrow space between them and a fence. So I yelled ahead, but there was not response, they were too plugged into their IPods. As I got closer I said it again. Once again no response. Finally I shouted and one of the women pulled the other closer so I could pass. As I rode past I gave them a dirty look. The one woman yelled at me “don’t roll your eyes.” I decided not to reply but it really pissed me off.

We all have to share the road and have a responsibility to be aware of our surroundings. Clueless people who are so plugged in and cannot hear what is around them need to unplug and observe the rules of the road.

So I will continue to roll my eyes at clueless people!

What do bottoms think?

So even though I like being fucked as much as the next guy, I have to admit that I rarely crave it. In the heat of the moment sure I sometimes enjoy it, but when I am get horny I never think "... man I need a cock in me ..." its mostly about connection and the physical grinding of hot man to man fun.

When I have had bad sexual experiences it has been the while being fucked I loose interest. Usually, its a dominant top who just wants to pound and treat me like meat. The fucking doesn't feel bad it just doesn't feel like anything.

So I was curious about guys who crave cock up their ass? Big bottoms who just like to be pounded. What is going on in your head? Are you in a zone? Are you focused on the man above you? Can you visually you are being violated? What is it all about?

Late Night Ramble

So work has been busy.

I have been studying a lot for exams. Took one today - think I did alright - I definitely felt prepared. The next couple of weeks will be late nights at work big presentations.

Been trying to get to the gym a lot. I think the last two weeks I might have gotten there 6x a week. Hopefully with all that is on my plate I can keep it up. Its probably vanity but the truth is most of my life I have carried around the image of the slightly chunky nerd boy - who had a disdain for team sports. As I came to accept myself as a gay man I realized that those jocks with the hot bodies and comfort with themselves was the man I wanted to be. I like being physical and I have begun to embrace that. Right now my body is decent. With a push it could be hot, but I am not sure that is why I am pushing myself, I guess as I hit 44 this year keeping fit is about not giving into age. Gan't help posting Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig because they are over 40 and hot!

Its funny had some big drama with the bf. He dropped some bombs and then its back to normal. Been processing and thinking a lot about it. Ultimately I have got to be willing to show him the side of myself that wants to go dancing or hang out at gay pride or just be more out in the world. He doesn't have this need, but unless I show him that side of myself it will always be a double life that strangles me.

Finding my voice

Anyone that knows me will say that I am a pretty outspoken person. I can be very blunt and especially in a meeting situation will be someone who says what everyone else doesn't have the nerve to say.

However, when it comes to personally confronting someone in my life - I freeze up. Its like I have lost my voice. What makes it worse is that the thoughts rattle in my head, I have dreams about yelling and people and get a stomach ache.This is just a gratuitous hunky image because I haven't given y'all any eye candy

Caught: honesty, anonymity and life

This was a hard weekend. In my personal life a couple bombshells were dropped including my bf finding out about my ad on manhunt.

I have to be honest I have been seriously thinking of pulling this blog. We like to fool ourselves that we can have this hidden double internet life and when part of that life becomes discovered it not only shatters the illusions but makes us want to hide. I am saying "we" because I have seen this on other blogs and have always wished the blogger kept writing. However, if I use this space as a shared diary telling things to strangers that I wouldn't want those close to me to know the importance of this shattered anonymity is critical. How honest can I be here if I am terrified about being discovered?

So here is the story.
I love my bf. The first year of the relationship was rocky and I came to that love kicking in screaming because he didn't have what I wanted in a relationship: he wasn't jewish, he has an explosive temper and after an outburst is done - doesn't want to talk about it; he doesn't appreciate art or design, he isn't a communicator, he is not by nature an open or a person of generous spirit. As time went on our love grew because: he adores me, I can be my complete silly unedited self (except sexually), we really enjoy travelling and spending time together and the most important thing, WE WANT TO BE WITH EACH OTHER. I know this may seem odd to some of you, but in my experience half of the success of a relationship is that simple decision to be with each other. Anyhow, by year two of the relationship I figured out two things: first, we are not sexually compatible and two, I needed more. I set-up a twisted logic. As long as he didn't know and I protected him - I could keep my sexual explorations to myself. By finding out about the manhunt ad it shatterd that. Of course I could have used that moment to come completely clean but something inside me stopped and I didn't.

So for those at home who have been wondering why I call this blog "meshugener" today's post exposes things about me and my life I consider crazy/screwed-up and a bit off. Take out your score cards kids cause he come the final tally:
a) My desire for a double life
b) Willing to say things on here that I wouldn't want the people I love know about
c) Continueing to gloss over the truth when presented with the opportunity to make things better.

Well, I have to run but there is a lot more I would like to say on this subject ...

Does any of this make sense to anyone out there?