Cyber Top

Let me come clean. In real life I mostly bottom. Is it because I prefer to be fucked - not really. Trust be told I don't crave being fucked, sometimes I like it, sometimes I put up with it to please who I am with and sometimes I roll over cause I am insecure on top.

Here's the deal. I am a closet top or wanna be or a top in my own imagination. Why all evasion about sexual position? Simple I tend to cum easily, so sliding into a tight ass is frustrating cause I want to enjoy a slow deep fuck in a tight hole, but what usually happens is me worrying about cumming too soon, cumming too soon, not enjoying it because I am embarrassed and was too worried.

I know stop whining and wave that sexy ass in the air.

Well if I am chatting on line - for some reason guys often want me to fuck them. Maybe its because of my love of writing, but doing an IM roleplay I give a great fuck. Sweet, loving and deep I know what makes a good cyber fuck. Its partially listening and responding to make the imagination spark and the online typing hot. The other part is being on the receiving end I just fuck how I like to be fucked. Today I was online and this guy I chat with - mostly just friendly stuff we rarely ever to the sex-chat-thang, but today he got me to cyber fuck him good. Started out slow and deep but ended up with me slamming his ass on top of my desk...

This whole top or bottom dichotomy is weird to me. The best sex I have had was with this really versatile guy. We would spend hours in bed kissing and flipping. Usually I would have cum once or twice before he wanted to me to fuck him or he had already fucked me so it wasn't so much about cumming it was having good fun sex!

Sex after eight years

So the bf and I took a hike on Sunday and when we got back I decided to throw in a load of laundry. Didn't have a full load so I said to the bf did he have anything else to wash - next thing I know a naked bf is throwing his clothing in. Not a big deal but the next thing he says to me is - now that I am naked - you might as well give me a handjob. I wasn't really in the mood, but I am always bitching about lack of sex life so I came upstairs. He was already on the bed in position, pretty soft. So I leaned down and started sucking him. Slowly at first, partially cause he wasn't hard and partially cause when I blow someone I really like to enjoy the feeling of a dick slipping past my lips. He was starting to get hard and made some comment about I might need to suck him more aggressively if he is going to get anything out of it.

Part of me thought "fuck you" and part of me said - you bitch about your sex life, make an effort. BF has a dominant streak and gets into being serviced - and I am constantly saying I just need to get into the role. Fact is being dominated does NOTHING for me sexually, or at least part of personality fights it tooth and nail. I sometimes think if I just give into it I may enjoy it, but so far the verdict is NOT. Anyhow I started sucking him like he likes, mostly lips on the head, and hand working the tip of the head. I looked up at one point and his eyes were closed and I could have been a green alien and he wouldn't have know.

Now, I don't consider myself a champion cock sucker. The fact is bobbing down about a half-inch on is fat 8" makes my jaw ache. I find that if someone likes variation in their cock-suckers I can succeed much better, but if you just want me to concentrate on one spot and slobber on your big fat cock head, it is going to get tired fast. So I switched to just my hand. Eventually, the bf called me by my first name (something he rarely does in our day-to-day life- usually I am referred to by a variety of pet names - I am only get the first name when he is pissed or during sex). So I crawled next to him on the bed - his hand directed me to suck his nipple and I continued to stroke him.

Eventually he came - when I got up to wash my hands he wanted me to lay down so he could give me a hand job. At first I said that is alright. The whole thing didn't do much for my libido. However, he was being insistant and rejecting being pleasured (however much on his terms) probably wouldn't be a good idea. The fact is, when he jerks me off - it isn't very sensual - it is sort of mechanical. I tend to be a bit trigger happy and wish he would edge me and build it up and let me calm down once or twice - maybe even make-out or enjoy each others bodies rather than see how quickly he can get me to blow; which usually doesn't take too long. As usual after I came he kept stroking me even when it was sensitive and I was screaming for him to stop. Okay I am whining now, but at the moment I was laughing hysterically and that felt sort of good. A cathartic deep torturous laugh-fit. Maybe I do have a bit of masochistic streak.

The nice part is we took a shower together afterwards. It is one of the odd parts of our relationship, we are very kissie and touchy and cuddley and loving but when it comes to sweaty passionate sex something seems to misfire. In the shower, he lovingly scrubbed my back with this great sex salt and essential oil back scrub (oh I am such a scratch whore!)

Laid Off

So, Friday I demanded that one of the partners of my firm sit down with me and tell me what is going on and I found out that I was being laid off. Sort of odd that I had to instigate the discussion. Luckily I have money saved and it may be a good thing in the long run.

However, after twelve years there it is sad it has come to this. The partner I felt was my friend has gone silent. mostly because he is embarrassed and doesn't know what to say. This is a huge disappointment. They are laying me off and it is like I have done something wrong. Like I am a leper. I will keep my anger in check, take a deep breathe and leave with dignity.

I am looking forward to having more time to write, workout and re-group. Luckily I have had offers of support from friends and family so my safety net is in good position. Between money saved and and frugal living I should be able to ride this one out.

Was thinking of starting an alternate blog for just sex stories, but I will intermingle fantasy, real life and general banality to keep any regular readers on their toes.

So I may be laid-off but I am going to lay back and try to enjoy,

Would I do it for money?

With the economy getting scary I am been a bit worried about loosing my job.

Bottom line my company is not doing good and I am freaked.

When I first finished grad school we were in the height of the recession of 1990. It took me years to find a job and I was very poor. In the last year or two I was finally feeling like I was doing okay and put in an order for a new car - not the cheapest car I could find but a perfectly nice VW Jetta Sportwagon TDI 6-speed. It met my criteria for getting over 30 mpg and had a few luxuries. At 43 thought I could afford a nice car. Now I may cancel the order and looking at job options and other ways to make money.

Would anyone pay to fuck a 43 year old with a decent body, cute face and what I am told is a great ass? And the more important question is could I really sell my body? Could you? maybe I should set up a poll?

Random Thoughts

Tonight I made a presentation. It was to provide information to the larger community about the project that a committee I am on is doing. The project hasn't been going well and some in the community are getting snarky. In an effort to be transparent we have been hosting information sessions. I do my dog and pony show, answer questions, smile and make nice. I am good at this sort of thing. Tonight's audience was easy - they were mostly elderly and sort of sweet. Afterwards two members of the committee stayed behind and one really paid me this huge compliment about how good I am in front of groups like this. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I don't take compliments well. In truth, my style in working a room is mellow, sort of disarming, I often mess up facts and am glad that I had the support of a few of the committee members to remind me of details - especially in front of a group my brain doesn't always function when it comes to anything that has to do with facts - waxing eloquently about a conundrum I am pretty good at.

So after the meeting I call the bf. He doesn't pick up his cell phone but for some odd reason I go over anyhow. He was asleep on the couch and asked what I was doing there (here?). He thought I said I wasn't coming over - and in fact I said I may not come over. I probably shouldn't. At home I could have done laundry, pay bills, whacked to porn, but here I have to be a bit quiet and am limited. Consequently I am surfing the web and writing this post.

Why did I come over?

It really was an odd thing to do because I miss being at home and often bemoan my lack of opportunity to spend time there. At the same time I do love my bf and want to live with him some day - oddly one of my main motivations to live with him has to do with the fractured life I life now. I want to be with him and live a normal existance which means that when I am late at a meeting I don't get exiled to my house but I come back to the place I belong. Does this make any sense - I am not sure it makes sense to me. Regardless here I am. Even though he is passed out on the couch snoring - it feels right.

Whiney Conservatives

Okay something about Sarah Palin really pisses me off. However, what really gets my blood boiling is the whiney conservatives who come to her defense. Former acting Massachusetts Governer Jane Swift is now head of "truth squad" defending Sarah Palin. Jane Swift is upset about Barak Obama's comment on Sarah Palin's reformist credentials as "putting lipstick on a pig." Many things are upsetting about the conservative defense of Palin:
- first, yeah she talk about being a reformist but in instances like the so called "bridge to nowhere (actually is a bridge to the airport) that Palin claims not to have wanted - she actually canceled the bridge but Alaska still took the money - so her opposition is like putting lipstick on a pig, dressing up wasteful federal spending that as govenor she took advantage of ...
- second, conservatives always say that feminists are whining when they claim media bias - but in this case - it seems like this conservative isn't willing to live by her record ...?
- and last - John McCain has flip-flopped his entire career - seemed like a maverick while representing the rich corporate establishment - a fiesty, populist sounding woman is just putting lipstick on an old tired politician.

Sarah Palin

Is it mysogynist to say that last night she sounds like a smarmey, self-important, privilaged white women who is enamored by her own myth?

What it just me - who found her condescending?

Was my negative reaction because she was a woman or that most things that came out of her mouth seemed like scripted from the republican marketing machine that is selling us bankrupt feel good drivel that feel like a pedaphile offering a lollipop to a child?

I apologize - I usually can have a constructive dialogue about politics with most republicans because I try to be civil - but I am tired of being civil ... Sarah Palin drove me over the edge!