Freedom or Sorrow

This morning I drove the BF to the airport. He is going to be gone for a couple weeks for a business trip in Asia. I am going to miss him. At the same time I am looking forward to the freedom. Deep down I don't find it odd or psychologically tenuous to have this sadness of him leaving for so long and simultaneously looking forward to the time it will allow for me to do things that I usually don't while he is around. The part that some in society would question is the fact that I view this time as a sexual playground. The moralists out there will judge. And I suppose a blog titled "Meshugener" seems appropriate for someone who has constructed such denials.

The upshot is that I am going to try to blog daily during this time about how I use my freedom and what I do with the feeling of sexual expectation that this freedom has unleashed.

At the same time only one person has my heart - explain that if you can!

Its the little things

Okay gentle readers, if you have a spare barf bag taken as a souvenir from a flight, please pull it out now, because this post may sicken some of you.

This morning, like most mornings I got up while the bf was still asleep. I took a shower and then headed downstairs to dress while eating. Arriving in the kitchen, I found the electric kettle boiled, a bowl of cereal ready, with a banana, spoon, napkin all ready for the milk.

The bf got up, set up my breakfast and went back to sleep. I know it is silly, but that tiny act made me smile and filled me with love. Yes, sexually we don't have a great relationship, but its the little things that fill me with love and sometimes you got to share it, even if it is a bit nauseating.

So I got an email from a friend the other day and he made the following comment:

"Is there something about...for gay boys, the quest for the father figure, especially if we did not connect that well, that often with our own fathers? And if some of us didn't connect to them, then do we seek, either subliminally or consciously, mates who embody some element that our fathers did not?

And is this quest for perhaps complimentary partners just an offshoot of that quest?

I don't know. It's very fuzzy to me. But like a shadow on the other side of opaque glass, I think there's something there. Could be a monster, could be a mouse, but there's a truth to the types of guys who turn us on, (beyond just the looks) and what we perhaps didn't get as boys.

AND...this is the kicker...perhaps we get older, and wiser, and learn, and then the men who inspired us when we were "boys", no longer inspire the AWE as we are "men." And perhaps that's why we grow apart from our first partners in ways that would never allow us to go back."

My first reaction was ewwwwww, I don't want to be with anyone like my Dad. Don't get me wrong I love my father, but the thought of being in love with him is another story. And yet when I look at who I have chosen to be with, he is very much like my Dad and the roles in our relationship are very similar to that of my mother and father. I am not talking about silly shallow card-board assumption of who is passive or aggressive or who is fem and butch. Rather I am blunt, pragmatic, more of doer, whereas my bf is more spacey, cerebral, repressed. We all fall in to roles no matter how much we try to avoid it.

So its late.
Work has been full of long days but been doing some real exhilarating stuff. I am sitting in bed wearing boxer and a t-shirt with my laptop on my lap. In one corner a porn is playing with the sound off. My cock is half hard as my body feels the exhaustion and yet I feel a stirring need. If you walked through the door of my bedroom I would smile and gesture for you to come round the side of the bed. My hand would wrap around your waist and pull you close as you lean down to wrap your lips around mine, our head tilting, lips grazing lightly - just getting a feel for each other. Stepping back you strip naked and stretch. Pulling back the covers I invite you in, our bodies sliding together as we kiss. My leg slides between yours our cocks touch as I pull you on top of me-kisses becoming more forceful. Wrapping my heals around the back of your thighs I gently nibble on your earlobe hands running down your back ... smiling I look into your eyes - Thanks for coming over!

Default Bottom

Am I really a bottom?

Funny how one's gay sexual identity is tied to sexual position. The problem is that the answer to the question is so much more complex. I know gay men who love the feeling of getting fucked. They love the feel of cock in their ass, massaging their prostate. I know other gay men who are so into physically getting fucked, but get off on being fucked mentally. They love a tough man on top of them or behind them pounding their ass. Of course their are men who truth be told enjoy the sensation of being fucked, but can't over the stigma in their heads that being fucked is a position of weakness or submission so they mentally can't enjoy what they physically like.

There are so many stigmas to being "fucked up the ass". In slang terms to be "fucked up the ass" is the ultimate in being hosed, shit on, degraded. The general connotation is very degrading and I assume that some men enjoy being a bottom for the humiliation and submissive aspect of it. However, if you sexual predilections don't run to the submissive or sadomasochistic, the thought of putting yourself in this position can be very hard to take.

Truth be told I never decided I was a top or a bottom. With my first couple sex partners I was interested in both. Being less experienced I fell more on the receiving end rather than giving, but was I a bottom. It wasn't until I was with my current bf that the issue came to a head. My current bf views himself as a top (although I have fucked him a couple times). His tastes run to dominance and he likes his sex physical rather than romantic (I can explain better if I ever finish the post on sexual autism). Where the conflict arose was that I seem to receive the best receiving sensation if I am on top of a guy basically riding. Guess it is what you would call pretty aggressive bottoming. If your partner is dominant and a bit fussy - these two do not mix. Once my bf said that I wasn't really a bottom - he knew what a real bottom was - and they like to lay there and just take it.

For a while all of this was confusing.

Well let me make a confession. One reason I do not attempt to top more is an insecurity about cumming prematurely. If you are like me and can cum at the drop of a dime, the sensation of a nice tight ass, can make you blow in seconds. It just takes the fun out of it, worrying that I will cum too soon and not satisfy the man under me or ruin my rare chance to fuck a hot ass. Even if I love the feeling.

What is my ideal?

I once had a fuck bud who could kiss for hours. He was very sexual and fun and accepting. Sex wasn't about roles, or positions it was just about enjoying and doing what felt right. Both he and I could cum multiple times and just enjoyed spending time in bed. Whether I fucked him or he fucked me didn't matter. He understood I was trigger happy and was more than happy to give me a blow job and fuck me and then for my third try let me fuck him. If I could cum a third time cool or not I fucked him until he came. It was all good.

So I guess you could say I am a default bottom. Do I enjoy being pounded by a big cock - not really, but if a hot guy presses the right buttons do I sometimes hop on and enjoy a dick up my ass? Sure thing. At least that is my story right now and I am sticking to it.

Where am I?

I got comment on my last post from Collegehooker boy - asking where I was?

First, I want to thank him for inspiring me to write and as sappy as it may sound caring whether I post or not ...

I am not a big fan of new years resolutions of promises to change my life tomorrow that I won't do today. The fact is with the holidays, starting a new job, snow storm and spending my productive blogging time usually jacking off to porn I haven't blogged as much as I would like.

So instead of whining abuot the blogging I intend to do or promise to do I am just going to write.

Right now I have a an old falcon porn up "huge 2". The opening scene two guys are lifting weights on a patio and start going at it. The first thing that happens is a guy is bench pressing and the guy spotting pulls out his dick and the other guy pulls himself up on the bar and swallows his cock. This playing around on the bench is one of my all time sexual fantasies. Later when one of the guys is eating the other guys ass, his hips tilted up I am thinking how much I just want to dive in and join the fun. I haven't eaten a hot smooth ass in over six months and I can just imagine licking, teasing, chewing and probing a hot muscular ass with my tongue. Like kissing, for me rimming is an art form. Something that should be savored. It is all about listening to the reaction and then working to drive the man crazy. Using various techniques to build the pleasure, sometimes diving in with your tongue, sometimes pulling back and just lightly blowing. Other times scraping some razor stubble over the tender ass lips and then soothing them with my tongue ....

My BF is Sexual Autistic

Warning: This post is sexually explicit don't read it if you are offended by graphic descriptions of sex.

Disclaimer: In using the term "autism" do I mean to disparage or make light of significant disorder. Let me apologize in advance if I offend anyone by using this term.
"Autism is a brain development disorder that is characterized by impaired social interaction and communication ..." from Wikipedia entry on Autism

So after not having sex with the exception of a random handjob here and there for nearly six months, my bf and I had what you could call sex. People ask me what is wrong with your sex life and this experience encapsulated it all. Let me tell the story ...