Happiness Cycles

I am 44.

The other day I was thinking about whether I was happy. Actually, I was really questioning when I forgot how to be happy. At the moment I was feeling sad, trapped and stagnating.

It just seems like somewhere along the way I lost the ability to find joy in the moment and understand how to live in the moment. I was pondering this while driving from a work meeting that kept me at the office until a bit past 8:00. Maybe I was just tired; regardless, there was nothing about my day, or the meeting or the fact that I was heading home to a loving boyfriend who moments ago on the telephone expressed genuine joy about the fact that I was indeed on my way to see him rather than go to my house. And yet I was sort of sad and pondering existential happiness.

For some reason I associate such existential dilemmas on adolescents. As a teenager I don’t believe I had this kind of angst, but it is the kind of spiral of that launches into the meaning of life and ends in a drunken stupor that I see as the struggle of the teen years. A more precise analysis would probably conclude that these crisis’s is cyclical. At many stages of our lives we look at where we are and start to think it is not where we want to be so we start to wax and spin about loosing something and missing some sort of past innocence.

It is easy to chock this all up to fear of impending mortality. It is easy to say all we need to do is be more zen and accept. All life might be suffering and it might be better to let it go, but what is the fun in that? The fact is every twelve to fifteen years (if we are lucky) we are going to look down at the wrinkles in our hands and wonder where did the fingers of youth go?

As children we long to be older so we can be taller or have more freedom or finally have sex. When was the point when we began to look backwards. Was it sometime in our twenties when we realized that this is all there is. (There is a good song with those lyrics).

Now at 44 I am healthy, financially stable and in relatively good shape. I am one of those gay men who can look back at the twenty something version of me and honestly say I am in better shape. My face was more youthful, but it wasn’t until my early 30’s that I started eating right and working out – so its not like I want to return to the body of that me – but I do long to go back and make some different decisions, to not have been afraid to leave the closet and really have a chance to explore.

In this cycle – I hope I can make peace with the me who mature, looks good with a few wrinkles and open to living life to the fullest.

New Year

So I have neglected this blog for the fall. I want to attempt to be more regular about my posting. This means that there may be more mundane thoughts about life and less sex, but that may be the price of more regular posting.

When I began this blog I was reading a number of other bloggers. Some have stopped others have accomplished what they hoped to through the blogging process. Right now I am at a place in my life where it would be good to write regularly and use this as a place to figure something's out.

If you are following, drop me a line so I know someone is out there.

Thanks

Meshugener

Internet Tragedy

I have a buddy online who I have known for over six years. When we started chatting he was completely closeted and over the six years he grew a lot, eventually met another closeted guy and they began to date. We would chat on msn. He was a very sexual person who was really growing into a mature gay relationship. Recently I noticed he wasn't online so I emailed him to see what is going on - I even emailed his bf. Yesterday I got an email from his bf which said:

"I have not been online for sometime. I suspect the same is true of Adam. We are no longer together. It is a long sordid story and probably Adam should tell it. I am struggling with my feelings. I still love Adam, but i guess i knew from the beginning it would not last, and I am the fool for thinking it would. I will tell you this much; Adam has been outed and he has run for cover. I am grateful that I have not been outed (at least not to my family) but i can see the day coming when I will tell them."

I don't know the details but what I suspect is that being out was too much and they broke off contact. This makes me sad for a number of reasons. First, I consider this guy a friend and my heart goes out to him. As a friend I wish I could help. I am sure he is lonely, isolated and scared. I have no idea how to get a hold of him or offer support I don't even know his last name. Two months ago I found out his father died in freak accident - I couldn't send a condolence card - because once again I didn't know his last name or address.

This is such a freakish world we live in because people we care about are mere ghosts. They can vanish and don't exist.

I would like to write more about the tragedy of love that is lost, but wanted to vent about how people can vanish in our internet world.

Watersports

So I need to catch up on stories ... in the midst of all the craziness I have hooked up twice with a bud in the last couple of weeks. Like always the sex is hot. The last time - he said he wanted to try some watersports. I thought we would never do it - we just get busy in the bed room and never make it to the bath room to really try it, but I had to pee - so we moved to the bathtub - he sort of laid down and asked me to pee on his chest and dick ... luckily this was not turning me on so my hard-on softened a bit and I let a bit off - he wanted me to save some so I could pee on his ass cheeks ... turns out it wasn't doing much for him either so we showered clean - and got back to business ...

... more later

Like a Hamster on a Tread Mill

It seems like we are destined to repeat patterns. All my life I tend to over program, over commit - and get myself too involved. Right now besides a busy work schedule I have two moon lighting jobs and running a volunteer thing that could be a full-time job for many - I still try to get to the gym 5x a week.

I feel like a Hamster on treadmill.

To make it worse I am having a rare outbreak of control issues. Instead of delegating some design things I am insisting on doing them myself even though I don't have time to play graphic designer ...

Deep breathes - of course last night at almost midnight instead of sleeping I was chatting on line and watching porn - so in the midst of all this craziness I squandered two valuable hours jacking off - does this make rational sense to anyone?

Conversation

I had this chat with a buddy of mine from Dudesnude.com


Scroll down his last post - very hot!

Buddy: Doing ok. Just read emails........off to bed. Long day. Late for YOU to be on here! GET TO SLEEP! ASAP!!! (You are married!?) Take Care Buddy

23 Jun 2009, 19:39
You: Hey my bf is out of town so I like to play ...

25 Jun 2009, 12:53
Buddy: GET TO HOUSTON THEN! I am headed to Charlotte in July. ;)

26 Jun 2009, 00:09
You: Are you moving to Charlotte or just vacationing?

Why not visit Boston we would have a wild visit

26 Jun 2009, 00:46
Buddy: Yes! You + Me + BF Hmmmmmmm That would be fun.......have you two ever? IT is fun........ I am headed to Charlotte to visit a friends Mother........Who through the years have stayed in contact with. Such a Fun Nice Lady(80's) Her son Michael passed away back in 1991. She misses him Dearly. Brings him up each time we talk. Felt it was time to SEE her while all is ok and she is still with us. :) Hmmmmmmmm

26 Jun 2009, 21:56
You: You are such a good boy.

We have done one threeway at a sauna in london. It was hot.

However, if you ever come to Boston I want you all to myself!

27 Jun 2009, 09:08
Buddy: I wonder after reading your Profile.....how much TROUBLE you really get into! Hmmmmmm! ;) So. Tell me who did what in the three way. Loved to have watched and then joined in. From what I remember your BETTER half ;) was nice looking. As far as Friends......Look for Good people. If you go into it looking at them as possible sex, etc. Not good long term. Then again it does work out... I have 5 long term Best Friends. All have been around longer then 10 years. YES I would want to Be with You as well........then maybe more with hubby. *(just to see how he fucks......maybe teach him by letting him watch me fuck you and how we both would really be into it ;) Sorry about loosing your job a while back. I did in 2000 One day just out the door. 17 years there. Crushed. Now. Love what I do but money is tight. I should have new pics on my site soon(someone is working on it for me for $$$ :*( Well, YOU BE GOOD

27 Jun 2009, 10:09
You: How much trouble?
Well, about two or three times a year I see one of three buds. All also have partners. We have a great time and its cool. Besides that I am a good boy. Wish you could teach my bf - the honest truth is we are all damaged in some ways - and I am not sure anyone can repair him but himself. I love him as he is - but sometimes I just have different needs that I am not sure he can fulfill.

Although it all sounds hot.

The threeway in the sauna in London - he fucked this guy from behind while the guy sucked me - I can remember - he had a shaved head and held his smooth head on my cock as I watched my bf pound him from behind - some stranger was working my nipples - it was pretty hot.

Odd you mentioned the job - I am supposed to have drinks with my old boss and last night I had dreams - still have lots of anger - although I love being a professor - directing a thesis program has is fun!

You sculpture is great so its good you changed!

can't wait to see the picks stud!

27 Jun 2009, 11:19
Buddy: Does the boyfriend Not want or mention a three way to you? How did the First one Happen......talked about beforehand? He is ok with it? You two talked afterwards? Just wondering what is in His mind. Tell him your desires.....needs in a good close loveing setting! ;) Then let him Fuck You for me............. ;*(

27 Jun 2009, 12:01
You: He has a hang up about threeways - when he was single he got into a messy thing with a couple - so he is cool with threeways when there is no potential for repeats like when we are in a sauna in London.

He liked the piggy raw(not unsafe but in the slutty sense) aspect of sex - he has an issue with intimacy - when we talk about sex and our issues he just says that I really don't like to bottom and we just like different things-he likes to dominate and I hate to submit and we are just different - what he doesn't understand is that getting off is okay but sometimes I need him to poor his love for me into the sex ... I don't know if I am explaining this right - but say when I give him a bj or a handjob he zones out - isn't there - I could be anyone - and that is alright sometimes, but its a chore to always have to refocus your partner in being "there" so I give up - does any of this make sense?

27 Jun 2009, 16:57
Buddy: It does............Not sure how to bring New Life back into that area for you. Books? Who knows. I can understand (at times) that most likely he is Fantizing while you suck him off.........just so he can focus....? I still think sometimes of a Coach from High School Down on me when in fact it is just someone ;) He says YOU don't want to bottom........for You want it slower, love making at times(which I love) vs him pounding that Sweet Ass of Yours ;) I have been with Aggressive people...they feel like sex has to be something they learned in a movie, etc....I slow them down.......gently touch them all over.......give body/back rubs to start......then get more sensual by licking Everywhere! Builds them up to Wanting it......then I slow Fuck them kissing and Chest to Chest Fucking for a while....then pull back some and take hold of his Cock and stroke him until we cum together...... Love that! Now! Can that be the same way All the time with the same person....Nope. Have to change things up......Just a Fast Good Fuck sometimes and get on with the day is good too! Let him have his way with you several times.........(lucky man) and see how it feels, works.....if he is more interested and then will take his time by you slowing him up. I love blindfolding one of my buddies.....while I have sex with him. It seems to change how you feel things. You FEEL everything vs sight. Next time you two get together and he is wanting to be sucked. Try a blindfold. Just try it. Towel over the eyes down to the nose area. Touch him all over very Very lightly! then start licking him.......his groin, legs(inner thigh), balls, chest, ribs, side of neck, then go down on him.....slowly softly with mouth only...then start using your hand with mouth and very wet....as you sense him getting closer.....just ever so slightly start to grasp a little more firm and stick out your tongue while your mouth is still going down on him and you are stroking him. Should be a Very Good Cum! :)

27 Jun 2009, 17:27
You: Oh man, why can't I be one of your buddies.

That email got me rock hard!

Seriously, it is very sweet of your to give advice. I really appreciate it and will try some of that stuff. As with all relationships it is just complicated. The day in and day out makes it easier to ignore problem and just appreciate each other - he is very sweet and loving person.

However, no matter how much I love him - there are certain people I have met on here that it would be lovely to have a night to enjoy each other - my sense is that you are a very good lover - just the way you talk about sex.

Glad I met you on here!

Now I am back to studying.

So sometimes it is better to live inside one's head
it is hard to live the life we want
and when we get a chance to do actually climb
the air gets thin

Down here on earth we have choices
Biting from the apple does nourish
the question is did the snake give it to us?