So one of the reasons this blog is called Meshugener Gay is that I am jewish and meshugener is the yiddish word for "a madman, lunatic, crazy person". Not that I am really crazy but I think sometimes I feel a bit like a lunatic balancing the elements in my identity. Take tonight for example:
I am sitting in synagogue - taking the Kol Nidre service (I will explain this in a couple minutes) rather seriously and then in a less participatory part of the program doze off for a bit and my mind wanders to sex. I think I was having a mini-dream where I was having sex. Now, Yom Kippur is maybe one of the most serious jewish holidays. The Kol Nidre service is the first night - and is metaphorically set up like a tribunal. The ideas of judgement, atonement and self-introspection are infused in the liturgy. I find the opening prayer very moving and although I have huge ambivalence to the actual notion of God - I find the spiritual ideas and prayers to be very moving. And yet, my mind wanders to sex.
Okay, so would say this is not crazy - this is being a guy. I happen to agree. I don't beat myself up about my sexuality, my enjoyment of sex or when I express myself sexually (in ways some would describe as sinful). Rather I accept that as part of me and try to be as good and honest as I can in other aspects of my looney life.
If you want to know more about Kol Nidre I am including a link to the wikipedia page http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kol_Nidre and a humanistic interpretation http://www.shj.org/YK.htm
