Porn Actors Fade Away

Before I ever had sex with a man, I used to go to a web site called Live and Raw (it is still there – looked it up). Had Live sex shows and chat a chat room associated. In the end I went there more to chat and roleplay more than watch the porn. It is where I met the first guy I ever had sex with and it was the bridge to helping me come out. Of course Live and Raw is not the point of this post – Casey Williams is.

  Casey was a second tier porn actor. I have seen most to the videos he has done and none really did him justice. He was a regular on Live and Raw often moderating the chat rooms or filming the action. His scenes were always the hottest. It was as if left to his own devices he could have sex the way he wanted. He hasn’t done porn in years (I think) and was wondering what he was up to. Its sort of a fascination of mine – I think porn actors who actually live to be older – what happens to them – do they settle down and work retail?

My New Hero

Read this interview. Man does this guy tell it like it is.

http://www.advocate.com/News/Daily_News/2010/02/18/Military_Religious_Freedom_Foundation/

Whenever a virulent form of any religion has engaged the machinery of the state -– and by that, I’m talking about the armed forces, where the sticks and stones are that break our bones -- we end up with oceans and oceans of blood. And it’s happening again now.

-- Michael "Mikey" L. Weinstein, President, Military Religious Freedom Foundation

Baggy Jeans

I just watched a guy walk off the bus. He has on those baggy jeans that hang so low on his hips that you wonder were exactly his crotch is and if that is really comfortable. Having watched a Family Guy dvd last night where Peter sues his Doctor for sexual molestation  because of a prostate exam … I was thinking that those jeans might have something to do with hetrosexual american men’s fear of being fucked.

Think of it. If something is really bad a guy says “You are fucked” As if that is a bad thing. And if it is really horrible “Man  not only were you fuck but you got fucked up the ass – hard.” Once again as a gay man – we think that is not a bad thing –but the latent homosexuality – the ultimate fear is being violated. Go back to Family Guy and the prostate exam – Peter freaks out because his doctor touched his ass. All the other men in down cringe like rape victims when then talk about it. It was funny and offensive at the same time. The key is the fear of violation and how out of touch with their bodies all the characters were. Even though this was cartoon and comedy I think it represent that American male and his fear of gay men.

So we get back to the baggy jeans – they are baggy because they hide my ass – protecting my inner fears.

What is love anyway

So the bf and I are sitting on the couch. He asks me if you can know someone loves you just by what they do or how they behave towards you. And I think, of course, but being ever careful to random thoughts that seem to come out of no where, pause and ask. “…why do you ask.” After nearly eight years together I should know when I am about to fall into a trap versus his brain firing-off. Fortunately this was neither – he was responding to a friends of his Valentine’s Day post. The BF asserted that “love” is a “feeling” and that actions mean nothing if you don’t have that feeling. Did someone hear that tree fall in the forest? Yes, we were about to wade into the great mind body debate and I was just not going to go there.

All of this makes me think back to a time when people married out of convenience or duty and over the year bonded over something we would call love. Can we really love someone at first sight? I think possibly the bf would say he fell in love with me the moment we met and it took me a year to fall in love with him. That first day there was something about him that I definitely was intrigued by,but maybe that was just his feeling for me that I read. I think he was trying to show it and thinking back – I felt it. As we walked out of the coffee shop – and made the chit chat that people on an exploratory “coffee date” do, I tapped his arm and said that I wanted to see him again – and was clear that I don’t play games. He was caught off guard and stoic. In some ways he still is.

Time Flies

I wish I could regale you with stories of my sexual exploits the last two weeks, but the fact is besides lots of time watching porn and working too much nothing happened. Part of me can feel a certain satisfaction that I didn’t have sex while my bf was away, but in all honestly that satisfaction is a lie. I would of, if I could have so in the end I am just a looser.

For those who haven’t been devoted reader of my sporadic blogging (and who could blame you) in the eight or so years I have been with the bf – he has travelled often for work. In those times I often try and only rarely succeed to explore. I have met three different gay men – all also in long term relationships, with whom the sex is very good. In all of the cases, I enjoy them as people – really enjoy the sex. However, given the demands of discretion we are rarely able to meet-up.

In the eight years even though we have a loving relationship the actual sex has diminished to almost nothing.

I like to use the euphemism that we  aren’t well matched sexually or another way to put it is that we have different tastes. However, in the end it would be more realistic to say that we have both stopped trying. I mostly blame myself. Judgmentally, it is clear that he has intimacy issues and that given that I recognize this I should make the effort to bridge this. Of course this is not fair – I think he would say that he is a dominant top and not being submissive in any way we were never well matched. A deeper analysis would ask why I can’t get in touch with my submissive side if only to please the man I love – but even though I can enjoy taking a cock up my ass – I just can’t beg to be used. It just doesn’t work for me.

 

So after a crazy week of 14 hour days at work – I picked-up the bf at the airport and I really missed him. At night in bed as we cuddled, it felt right.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

For most of the seven years I have been “with” the bf, he has travelled regularly for work. Generally, this has been a few days once a month or as much a two-weeks every six months or so. During these small times apart, we stall in touch by phone. These times have also given me an opportunity to spend some time by myself and have occasional adventures. Since I have kept my own place and generally spend 90% of my time at his house when he is in town – these business trips have been invaluable pressure valves in our relationship.

Five months ago – the bf’s employment shifted as he hasn’t been on a trip since. It has been nice to have him around, but I was beginning to feel torn. Since I live in two locations I was beginning to feel ungrounded – needing to readjust and find some terra firma. I also  was looking forward to a chance to reconnect with some old friends and fuck buddies.

There are some who would say my need for these holidays points to a flaw in our relationship – and you may be right – but in some ways it works – giving us a breathe of fresh air and a time for distance to kick in and make the heart grow fonder.

He is leaving in a day … I am definitely having feeling of sadness and anxiety, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that part of me is excited. Stay tuned!

Happiness Cycles

I am 44.

The other day I was thinking about whether I was happy. Actually, I was really questioning when I forgot how to be happy. At the moment I was feeling sad, trapped and stagnating.

It just seems like somewhere along the way I lost the ability to find joy in the moment and understand how to live in the moment. I was pondering this while driving from a work meeting that kept me at the office until a bit past 8:00. Maybe I was just tired; regardless, there was nothing about my day, or the meeting or the fact that I was heading home to a loving boyfriend who moments ago on the telephone expressed genuine joy about the fact that I was indeed on my way to see him rather than go to my house. And yet I was sort of sad and pondering existential happiness.

For some reason I associate such existential dilemmas on adolescents. As a teenager I don’t believe I had this kind of angst, but it is the kind of spiral of that launches into the meaning of life and ends in a drunken stupor that I see as the struggle of the teen years. A more precise analysis would probably conclude that these crisis’s is cyclical. At many stages of our lives we look at where we are and start to think it is not where we want to be so we start to wax and spin about loosing something and missing some sort of past innocence.

It is easy to chock this all up to fear of impending mortality. It is easy to say all we need to do is be more zen and accept. All life might be suffering and it might be better to let it go, but what is the fun in that? The fact is every twelve to fifteen years (if we are lucky) we are going to look down at the wrinkles in our hands and wonder where did the fingers of youth go?

As children we long to be older so we can be taller or have more freedom or finally have sex. When was the point when we began to look backwards. Was it sometime in our twenties when we realized that this is all there is. (There is a good song with those lyrics).

Now at 44 I am healthy, financially stable and in relatively good shape. I am one of those gay men who can look back at the twenty something version of me and honestly say I am in better shape. My face was more youthful, but it wasn’t until my early 30’s that I started eating right and working out – so its not like I want to return to the body of that me – but I do long to go back and make some different decisions, to not have been afraid to leave the closet and really have a chance to explore.

In this cycle – I hope I can make peace with the me who mature, looks good with a few wrinkles and open to living life to the fullest.

New Year

So I have neglected this blog for the fall. I want to attempt to be more regular about my posting. This means that there may be more mundane thoughts about life and less sex, but that may be the price of more regular posting.

When I began this blog I was reading a number of other bloggers. Some have stopped others have accomplished what they hoped to through the blogging process. Right now I am at a place in my life where it would be good to write regularly and use this as a place to figure something's out.

If you are following, drop me a line so I know someone is out there.

Thanks

Meshugener