Meshugener tries to end it

meshuggener
adjective
1.	senseless; crazy [syn: meshugge]
noun
1.	(Yiddish) a crazy fool [syn: meshuggeneh]

It probably would not be a surprise to any of you that this happy blogger sees a shrink. Its odd because I generally think of myself as one of the most mentally stable people I know. Seeing a shrink has made me realize things about myself and is starting to push some long held boundaries. If you haven't tried it - I would suggest some sort of therapy for everyone. The hard part is finding the right person to work with. Even then it is a constant struggle because therapy is a relationship and when you are not getting the help/feedback/input/or guidance then you have to push back and work on the relationship. When your therapeutic issue is relationships then it becomes even harder to deal with.

So today I went to my session with full intention of taking a few month holiday. My insurance allows a certain number of sessions per year and I ran out - so I am paying full fare. That pain aside the thought of going to talk to him had become so anxiety producing that I did the cost benefit analysis and decided to take a break until insurance clicked in. Unfortunately, never go to a therapist and talk about finishing - because they will always talk you out of it. To give him his due - he was very accepting, but made some good points about things he thinks we can work on and I couldn't argue with him - fact is I just didn't want to deal.

Next week same time, same location I guess I am dealing.

Humping the Bed

When we first learn to masturbate we develop little quirks. Some of these quirks are get hard-wired and as we get older they are harder to loose. For me - it is humping the bed. I would much rather masturbate laying face down - my cock rubbing into a towel leaving my hands free to play with my nipples. Thinking back I am pretty sure that I discover this on my own - I think I read a passage in the book Ordinary People where the main character masturbates this way and I tried it. To this day have never lost the enjoyment. Guess that makes me quirky ...

Finishing

For the small number of visitors I apologize - there are two stories I have started and failed to finish. All I can say is it is sort of a life pattern. I am one of those people who is great at starting lots of projects and they languish. For those of you baseball fans - I basically need a relief pitcher or for those budding Sigmund Freuds out there in the ether of cyber space - I may have a fear of death that avoids completion. My weekend has been filled with stuff. At the office right now trying to complete some stuff for a meeting. Spent the morning at volunteer committee meetings on a committee I chair - can I tell you that it is hard work not screaming at well meaning volunteers who are busy-bodies! Anyhow, working through my seasonal affected disorder with exercise and a some comforting hugs from the bf.

Anyhow -I will try to complete some of the hot stories but some feedback and encouragement will go a long way - post it to the comments section - unless this novice blogger screwed up the settings!

Night with my Bud

This is just a fantasy. It is written especially for a buddy. I hope he likes it.

We meet in the hotel bar. Nothing fancy your generic dark wood place with TV's silently showing football highlights. You are already at the bar with a beer. I know its you because you see me and smile and stand up. You are taller than I expected. I pause and grin back shyly heading towards you. I put out my hand "Its great to finally meet you." You smile and pull me into a guy hug, like long lost frat brothers. The only thing that gives as away is the quick squeeze that betrays our desires as somethign more.

You offer me a beer and we move to a quiet couch in the corner. "Was the drive okay?" I answer but the small talk cannot cover over the lust and awkwardness of two strangers who know each other intimately through the words of computer chat and finally are met with reality. I smile thinking about this rather than whatever you are saying. "What is that smile for?" "Sorry I was just being amused by the fact you are infront of me after all those hot chats ..." I look in to your eyes with a question and that makes you blush, you reach down and pat my knee. "Its pretty cool." I look at you deep and my eyes wander up and down your body thinking how hot you are in person. "Let's go upstairs, why are we wasting time down here?" You smile back misheviously "... because I am enjoying letting the anticipation build."

The next half hour is a blur, we chat about nothing and the torturous pauses allow us to undress each other with our eyes. A loud crowd of people wander though the bar, prom? wedding party? You look a bit shy as if you are about to get caught - so I let my foot run down your long legs. I keep thinking that in our chats you could always look at my pics but all I had was a brief description, now in front of me you are really tall, muscular, but real. Did I realize then how piercing your eyes are, or the line of your jaw? I can't wait to get my tongue in those ears so sexily framed by your close cropped hair.

Abruptly I stand-up. Look down at you holding your beer sort of surprised by my action - "are you coming?" I hold out my hand to help you up. You swallow hard as if suddenly frightened by the reality that we are going to get naked. You stand not taking my hand and I just start walking towards the bank of elevators. Getting in before you catch up I hold it open waiting for you. I hit the elevator close button before anyone has a chance to get in but don't hit the floor. Smiling at you I back you into the corner. Lift my hand to the back of your head and pull you down to my height and lightly brush my lips over yours. You let out a deep sigh and open your lips a bit. I shift my head and our lips for a tight seal. Our hands grab on to each others waists to steady ourselves and we enjoy a deep long kiss. Stepping back I hit the button for the eighth floor and smile at you from the other side of the elevator cab.

The ride up seems to take forever, but I take full advantage. Maybe it was the beer or maybe its just finally meeting you, but as the elevator creeps up floor by floor, I run my hand along my growing bulge and look deep into your eyes. Reaching up I twist my nipple through my shirt and grope my pants - you act like you are about to step forward and I put out my hand to signal you to say where you are ... watching me stroke you mouth open until the elevator stops.

When the door opens we just stare at each other until I move quickly, grab you by the shoulders and push you into the hall. Standing behind you I guide you to room 808, reach around you to slide the key card and we stumble into the room. It is dark so I open the current to let the city lights glow and pull you on to the bed, crawling on top of your tall frame and give you a light kiss. "Is this alright?" Before you can say oh yeah ...... I graze my lips lightly over yours and slide my hands inside your shirt - hands roaming around your chest. Your hands feel fantastic as they knead my ass through my jeans. Sucking in your tongue our hips start to grind together and it becomes obvious that we are wearing too many clothes. Reaching down I pull off your shirt pausing with your hands over your head to lick your pits. Tangled up in the shirt, with me straddling your midsection you squirm as I run my tongue up your hairy pits and suck on your biceps. Teeth lightly grazing I go up and around your shoulders, down to your lats and around your pecs. Tongue extended I circle your nipple then lightly bite it and sooth the teeth marks with my wet tongue. By this time your have struggled out of the arms of your shirt, grab me and flip me on my back. We roll around the bed almost wrestling until you grab my jeans and pull them off. I lay back and let you go to work.

Fading Light

Like most people - I am feeling a profound loss of the light. Where I am it is pitch dark by 5:30 pm. Not being a morning person it is screwing with my emotions big time, so I am walking around either horny or pissed-off/grumpy. Oddly enough the more I think of myself as pissed-off and grumpy the happier I become! In the same way nothing cheers me up like a depressing song. Maybe I am like a pig rolling around in the mud. The more the fading light darkends my mood, the more I reveal in being brooding and nasty. If I try to fight it and act cheery I just become sad - if I embrace it I find it not only comforting, but empowering.

The Dark Cloud

I lead a charmed life.

That is the disclaimer for this post. Even though the two weeks it has felt like a dark cloud has been following me - I really have nothing to complain about. The fact I can sit here in the comfort of my home with my expensive laptop and know I still have a financial cushion puts me in the 99 percentile of privileged lucky people in the earth.

That being said - the last two weeks have been a pain-in-the ass! It all started with laziness. I decided not to return the rental car and switch it with my car which I left in the lot until after I stopped home to pee and have some dinner. Home was on the way and I thought I would go to the gym after I had done the car switch. I was even lazier and lounged around the house and finally decided to the switch at 9:30. When I pulled into the rental car lot - planning just to drop the keys in the night box - my car wasn't there! Called the police and they immediately told me it had been towed.

I had entered into "After Hours". If you haven't seen the classic Martin Scorsese film - it is the story of a man trying to get home - but things keep happening. For me I called the tow company to find out where my car was and got bounced to three different phone numbers. Was told by the final woman it would cost $120 cash but call the tow guy to meet me to get my car. I get cash out of the ATM and call the guy. He tells me it has to be $110 exact change. Fuck! I only have $20's. I go to convenience store to break a $20 and finally walk over to the tow lot.

I get to the tow place and no one is there. Just a great big flat bed truck infront - good, I have an AWD car and am thankful they used a flatbed cause my car would be toast otherwise. I call again and after circling a couple time I finally find the guy/ I am met by a over cheerful guy in his 40's. I follow him back to his office and he cheerfully explains how its not the rental car's place fault that his company has the contract to clear the lot cause people park there illegally. I try to explain to him the rental car place told me to leave my car there and he says sorry if it doesn't have a tag he tows it and then proceeds to tell me what time he towed my car. Fucking ten minutes before I arrived. I sign some paper get a receipt and go to my car.

Immediately I notice that there is a weird sound. So I drive around the block and back to the tow place to yell at the guy. He is still cheerful and irritatingly chatty. He goes into huge detail telling me how he towed my car to explain it isn't his fault and I am fuming cause I don't know how to argue with him. So I give up and start to drive away. Of course my car is overheating! I am almost home and I get a call on my cell phone - its the tow guy telling me I never paid him. He starts to be defensive on the phone saying he has it on camera and I feel my pocket and realize in all his saccharine shmoozing - he never collected from me. I try to shut him and say I will be right there and he implies I never intended to pay him. Fuck - its 10:30 at night. my evening has gotten completely screwed up and he thinks I am deceitful. Enraged I drive back to hand him the money my car whining and complaining the entire way.

To make this story short I will summarize what happens next. I take the car to three mechanics - all won't say that it is the fault of the tow, while really saying it is the fault of the tow. The first two won't even properly diagnose the problem. The third - the dealer offers to fix it for $900. Angered and already invested more hours trudging the car from mechanic to mechanic I tell them to fix it. Get another rental car - drop the car off. Of course when I go to pick it up - the dealer recommends another $3000 of repairs (this is an 8 year old car!). Of course some of the repairs I know I have taken care of - I now really feel like someone is out to screw me!

So the final rain shower this dark cloud dropped is when the dealer said my car was ready I dropped off the rental car before they opened - hoped a bus to the dealer. 14 hours later I get home to a message on my machine from the rental car people asking about a dent on the rental car - my heart sank and immediately I got nauseous.