Like a Trance

"Good sex is like a trance." My shrink was saying as I was talking about my feelings about not being present during sex. I was trying to describe this image in my head about the easy confident sexual energy during the moment that seems to elude me. My mind shifts and I am not present, not experiencing - not enjoying. In some ways this is a good analogy to what I am feeling in a lot of my life.

I have this image in my head of two college jocks completely out of their minds in lust - in a completely mindless fuck, sweating, pounding, lost in some sort of sexual trance.

Is that what he is talking about?

What do I feel?

Last night I had a strange dream -like all dreams it started in one place and kept morphing into other things. I know at one point I was in a large museum looking at Budhist icons - some were modern interpretations of the Buddha. I kept looking at these images and in my dream felt such sadness. I stood at the museum and walked around and would pause at the statues and start crying. Not just a little cry, but a real deep soul wrenching sob. When I woke up that saddness stayed with me. Thinking now - I am trying to remember what was going on in that dream. Was it death? Was it the human condition? Was I crying for myself?

So tonight I met this guy at a hotel. The other time we met we had a fabulous make out session and I rode him and it was great. Tonight I couldn't stay hard - parts were hot, but I wasn't present. At some point I focused on making sure he had a good time - because I knew my mind was not into it and I was not going to get off. It was like I wasn't completely there.

Now I am trying to figure out what I am feeling. Its like I don't know how to be in the moment anymore - its like obligation and duty and keeping other people happy has taken over and I don't know who I am anymore.

Dry spell

Like everyone I have been busy with work and some volunteer stuff and just trying to find time to workout and keep fit. Of course it hasn't helped that I had to have my car towed twice in the last two weeks. Being busy my nights have mostly been spent cuddling on the couch or crashing in bed and sleeping like two bears in a cave. Unfortunately, when I get to work and get to a lull in my day I am crawling the walls I am so horny. If a bud IM's me at the office and even hints at something sexually - I am rock hard. I feel like logging on to manhunt and finding a lunch time fuck. Of course between work schedules and reality I would never do it, but man do I need some sex.

Don't you want me Baby?

I was reading London Preppy (http://londonpreppy.blogspot.com/) and he wrote the following:

So I have been in a relationship for 2 – 2 ½ years now and of course I haven’t been looking around to meet guys and I haven’t even been making myself available. And in the last few months I have become almost isolated as well, not going out to bars, clubs, anything. So I kinda feel like nobody fancies me anymore, nobody has a sexual interest in me. And I know it’s very shallow, but at the same time it’s human nature and everyone wants to feel attractive.

It really got me thinking. I get a ton of love and affection from my bf - and at the same time I am almost compulsive about looking at the hot men on sites like dudesnude.com and bigmuscle.com. I sometimes put myself out there in ways that could endanger my relationship and hurt my bf (which would be much worst). This kind of reckless behavior for validation is probably unhealthy. Now recognizing that I do it may be the first step in more positive behavioral adjustment that could lead to a healthier me. At the same time change may require an honesty that I do not have. It may be leading the openly sexual life that may be to scary to embark on.

Okay gang - this is the sick part - acknowledging this simultaneously makes me calm and excites me. I don't think it is the danger? Maybe I am just meshugener?

Part of me thinks that I should have a long discussion with the bf and work out how we are going to satisfy me. The other part of me thinks that the less he knows the better and that I am not getting any younger and I should just resolve to have more sex. Of course this kind of thinking is dangerous - because it leads to deceit, running around and possibly job loss. Ah well, nothing to fret about now.

Where do you stand?

Its always interesting to see where you stand politically - funny - I probably am going to vote for Hillary even though this quiz puts her lower on my list ... now it is hard to tell how they rate questions or how my views deviate from the candidates, but I am not surprised on how it came out. Because I said that I care alot about gay marriage that may have skewed things.

The quiz can be found here: http://www.gotoquiz.com/candidates/2008-quiz.html


88% Chris Dodd
87% Barack Obama
85% John Edwards
85% Mike Gravel
85% Hillary Clinton
84% Dennis Kucinich
83% Joe Biden
73% Bill Richardson
43% Rudy Giuliani
31% John McCain
22% Tom Tancredo
21% Mitt Romney
21% Mike Huckabee
19% Ron Paul
10% Fred Thompson

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

Man that irks me! or why bother?

This blog could be called strange entanglements.

A couple months ago, my bf was out of town and I was slightly horny so I logged on to a chat line. Now most of the time chat lines are a waste of time and I rarely find someone who I click with. This night I chatted with this guy who I really clicked with and we had an intense chat. I can't remember if it was that night or a couple nights later when we chatted again - that I found out he lived near me. We flirted some more and I found out more about him. Tragic story. Was married - had two kids, wife ran away with the two kids and he can't find them. This was years ago. Closeted he takes up with a guy, has a two year relationship and they buy a house together and the guy freaks about commitment and runs away. So he is turning 30 and is alone.

So being the nice guy I am I send him a Happy Birthday email. We chat on and off and I become a friend and listen to his life. He goes through a bad period and I listen, support. This goes on for a month or so. Sometimes we flirt sometimes we just chat as friends. He sends me pictures - they look real enough and they are hot. He vanishes and reappears. The story gets more interesting - his wife gets arrested for stealing the kids and he gets them back! His wife commits suicide in jail. He is moving to LA. I try to get him to have coffee before he goes - but he evades.

He vanishes for a couple weeks.

He reappears - something about moving to LA - he is getting engaged to a high school sweatheart. Now of course by now I am totally thinking this guy is inventing stories. When he vanishes and reappears and appears down - I offer a supportive ear. He vanishes again.

He recently reappeared and told me he never moved, but was engaged. He tells me that the kids are now living with their grandparents (something about they couldn't get used to this father they barely knew). I am skeptical but am nice and supportive. He tells me he is working through issues. He vanishes again. When he reappears he declares his love for me and tells me that all the other shit was a way to distance himself from me. I tell him I care for him, but love my bf and am willing to be a friend. We chat regularly for a week.

Now he has vanished again.

Beyond the tedious quality of this post and the fact that any fool would loose this guy it really irks me the games he plays. I guess I play them too cause each time I am a sympathetic ear.

Why do I bother? Because whatever his deal is - I think he is suffering and part of me just wants to save the world.

The First Kiss

For now this is fiction ...

We had talked about it for so long that by the time it came to actually do it, we were both trembling. I knew in the end I would just have to grab you and do it. When I placed my hands on your waist your were trembling. So I held them firm and looked deep in your eyes. What I saw was a combination of fear and lust. Moving forward I leaned in and on my toes, closed my eyes and just brushed your lips. Time stood still for second and we both let out a sigh as our lips melted. Then I felt your arms around me squeezing me tight as if holding on for dear life. I slipped my tongue inside your hot mouth and your hips pushed tighter against me. I backed my tongue out and opened my lips to suck in your tongue, my hands slipping to your ass to squeeze your ass cheeks. Even through your jeans I could feel how hot and tight your ass is. Our kissing became frantic. Lips mashing and tongues dueling. Hands everywhere massaging back, ass cheeks and shoulders. Finally I pushed you backwards until you fell back on the bed and followed on top of you. Laughing and grabbing at each other you end up on top of me your lips exploring again. Pushing you up I grab at your shirt trying to pull it off your body but the buttons won’t allow me. Frantically I try to unbutton them. You break the kiss and help me, Lifting off your tshirt and shirt in one swoop. My hands immediately slide up your torso and circle your nips. I look up to see your eyes closed – head thrown back. I wrap my hands around your waist for support and pull my mouth to your pecs. Licking your nips I make them hard – letting my teeth graze the nubs. I can feel your cock poking through your pants into my abs as I lick and suck on your nips …(insert more kissing, slow undressing, sucking, licking here) … finally I can’t stand it any more and straddle your waist. Grabbing your hard cock I push it flat against your abs, sit my ass cheeks over it and rock them over your hard cock. Balancing on your pecs, my back arched I tease your cock on my ass cheeks. You try to grab my cock to stroke it but I push your hand away – I am too close. Instead your grab me by the neck and pull me down to kiss me deep, catch me off guard and roll on top of me. Instinctively I wrap my legs around the small of your back as your cock pokes at my clenched hole. Kissing you keep pushing with your cock, until I reach down and guide you in letting out a low moan and squeal of pain. You stop to see if I am alright, I breathe deep and pull you deeper with my heals kissing you hard. Encouraging you just to sink it deep and hold it there we kiss between moans. Our ragged breathe in and out of each others mouths. You move to pull your cock out but I grab your hips and hold you in, just keep pumping in, grind it deep I say sucking on your neck, panting, biting your earlobe. My hands slide down your back to squeeze your tight to me. It is all too much. I feel my orgasm building, FUCK ME!