You Owe Me

Here is a little fantasy ...

You Owe Me

A buddy said that to me the other day on-line and my mind started racing on how I would like to make it up to him. I think my fantasy would go something like this:

I leave you a voice mail telling you to come over to my house and let yourself in. Sitting in the living room are some cold brews and a note telling you to help yourself and come upstairs and get naked. The room is dim only lit by candles. I wait until you undress relax propped up on pillow on the bed and I come in, wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt with a plate of appetizers. Smiling at your hot body, you long legs barely fitting on the bed. I bring an egg roll slowly to your lips and feed you. As you eat it I move to the foot of the bed and start massaging your feet. Working my fingers around your heal, bridge and toes I massage you. Fingers start up your calves working your muscles. Picking up your foots I let my fingers work over your legs and bring your big toe to my mouth. Looking you deep in the eyes I suck in your toe, slowly rolling my tongue around it like a small cock – fingers sliding up and down your leg. In turn I suck in each toe, and hold it in my mouth and then move down to the next. Putting down your leg I move to feed you some more, this time coming in for a slow kiss sharing the food and tongue. As we kiss my fingers massage your shoulders. I let my tongue slip from your mouth and let it trace you nipples. Twirling around one and then the other – lightly teasing the nub. I let my tongue move down your midsection, planting kissing and licking until I hit your belly button and then I trace its outline before plunging my tongue inward, swirling around your innie. Moving downward I kiss around your bush, burying my nose at the base of your cock. My mouth nudging the crook of your thigh, sucking right next to your balls. Pushing your legs open I lick each ball before running the tip of my tongue up your cock, open wide and swallow you until your cock hits the back of my throat. I hold your fat cock back there, squeezing and sucking – feeling your hard cock throb in my mouth. Then very slowly I pull my lips tight to the shaft and slowly move up it. My eyes look to your face to see your reaction until I get to the head and run my tongue around the crown. I grip it by the base and worship it with my tongue, flicking around the slit before opening wide and sucking you back deep again. Holding you cock at the base of my throat I slowly slide both hands up your chest and squeeze your pecs, rubbing your nips with my thumbs. Each time I squeeze I move down your cock and suck it up to the head again.

Suddenly I feel your hands on my head holding it there as you pump into my mouth. I relax my lips and let your thrust into my mouth. In and out, my saliva oozing down your shaft on to your balls. My fingers release your pecs and I bring them to your balls, feeling them starting to draw up I pull my mouth off your cock and look down at you. Standing next to the bed I slowly undress putting on a strip tease for you, shaking my ass cheeks as I lower my sweat pants.

Naked I straddle you on the bed. Kiss you deep and rub your cock head on my hold – your cock oozing. Sitting up, I position your cock and slowly start to sit on it – your bare cock popping into my tight hole. Pausing I breathe deep, and keep sitting down until you are all the way in. Smiling down at you, I take a deep breathe, squeeze my ass muscles and slowly start to milk your cock. You open your mouth to say something and I put a finger to your lips – “I know I owe you … I hope this is payment enough … and tonight I am all yours.” I squeeze my ass muscles once again, relax and sit up letting your cock slide up and then sit down again and begin to slowly ride you. Each time I hit bottom I pause and squeeze my ass muscles milking you.

Movies and TLC

I am starting to feel better ... spent Saturday sleeping after a visit from the bf who brought over lots of drugs, herbal cures and love. Today I had to get out of the house so we went to the mall - for a short visit to the bookstore and Best Buy. After which I was treated to lots of TLC. Was made bowls of soup, tea, took a nap and treated to a little light gay dvd fest. We watched "another gay movie" and "Adam&Steve" - both made me laugh. "Adam&Steve" was especially touching and a good movie to see with someone you love - yes I am sucker for a romantic comedy especially a gay one with a screwy jewish guy!

Sick and Playing Games

I am sick.

Not bad - just the coughing, congested, I sound like Lauren Bacall kinda cold. I haven't been sleeping too much either. Just slightly more than normal. However, today is Saturday and we had 10" of snow dumped on our fair city last night; so I thought I would have some more herbal tea, pop some more zinc and go back to bed. If I can't sleep maybe I will pull out a "firsthand" and hump the bed - and then sleep.

The game I am playing is seeing when the bf will call. He got back from a business trip last night - I IM'd him and he said he had to get out a report he would get back to me. That is the last I have heard from him. I know it is an immature child game to wait to see when someone you want to call you will call - but hey I am 42 and I reserve the right to act 8!

Part of what set me off is to of my out of town buds - who I chat with on IM - kept gushing how I should go and be taken care of by the bf. It pissed me off for two reasons. One - the passive sense that I need taken care of - its a little cold and I can take care of myself (note to self - this is another example how I refuse to let myself be submissive and bristle at loss of control even though I like to think of myself as SO NOT a control freak). Second - I knew the bf wouldn't rush to take care of me - its not that he is loving - its just that he had such a fucked up childhood that his paternal instincts are all screwed up.

Feel free to call me meshugener - I am!

Blog crossroads

I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do with this blog. Part of it has been a careful balance between trying to stay anonymous and using it as a forum to publicly work out issues. However, since I was trying too hard to stay anonymous it just became random. I thought a lot about the blogs I like to read and those blogs you get to know someone and understand their issues. So today is the cross roads where I tell all and just let it hang as it may be.

Like most guys I had a sense I was gay in my teens. Like too many men I repressed this until I was much older. I tried to date women but my heart wasn't into it and was pretty much a virgin until my mid-20's when I dated one woman and had sex. We dated for two years but in reality what I wanted was a man. When we broke up - I sort of fell in on myself and found the internet. I sort of began to express myself in gay internet chat rooms. One night I had this incredible chat with this hot sounding guy. I found out he lived within a couple hours and sort of panicked. We reconnected a couple months later and again had an incredible sexual charged chat. Over time we moved from the anonymous chat room to MSN messenger and chatted twice a day. Then one day we took a big leap and met for dinner, which evolved into making out in the car, which evolved into a hotel room, which ended up my first sex with a guy at the age of 34.

I drove home at 4 am on cloud 9. The one thought in my head was that I just had sex with a man and no one knew. All these years of being repressed and hiding and for what. Fear of discovery? No one needed to know. I could do this and be free! Of course in the course of a week I told my closest friends including the last woman I had dated. Of course I was head over heals in love and when the whole thing crashed and burned witht he first guy I was distraut - but I got over it. And began to explore what it meant to be a gay man.

Now its 8 years later. I have had two -six month relationships and am currently in year six of my third. In some ways I feel like I am with the man I will grow old with, but some things about where I am keep me very restless. Mostly sexually - we have some real issues when it comes to sex and so now I find myself very much in love with someone and finally out and gay, but not enjoying sex. Sometimes I look elsewhere for sex and sometimes I just try to explore what I want out of life.

What is most important is that I am learning about myself. About a year ago I decided to see a shrink. For anyone who had ever wanted to sort stuff out I highly recommend it but it is not an easy process to find a shrink you click with and slogging it through the personal discovery process is even harder. So from now on this blog will try to be more focused on my life - sometimes what is going on in my life sexually, sometimes my fantasies, sometimes issues I am wrestling in therapy and sometimes I will just rant!

Hot Chat

One of my obsessions is chatting on some of the gay chat rooms like menchats.com or joechat.com. They are filled with closeted, married and bisexual men. Some of them post profiles that are too good to be true and others are real, but have no other outlet for their sexuality because sites like gay.com are just too scary.

So today instead of working I chat with this guy - his profile "PitMuscle" said 6'1" 190, musc/masc pierced nips - 17" biceps love getting my pits worked. We had chatted before and I knew he was fun and could actually visualize a scene and be responsive. So we went at it, I was hot and aggressive in the chat - saying that I would pin him against the wall - kiss him deep and lick his pits and chew on his nips. What transpired was a hot chat - that had me fucking him hard and deep alternately kissing him, chewing on his pits and tugging at his nipple rings all the while slamming into his muscled ass. I must have been pressing his buttons right because after about 45 minutes of a hot scene - we both blew and kept going at it. Rarely do guys want to continue, but this guy wanted me to stay inside him and we probably kept at it for another hour, him describing riding me, then me spooning him so I could eat his pit, stroke him and continue to fuck him. The incredible part is after all that - he wanted to fuck me - which I typically wouldn't have an objection to - but had to get going. If I could have figured out how to copy text from the volcano chat window (control C didn't work) I would have shared the trascript ...

Blow to my ego

So, I like to think I am handy around the house. My Dad fixed most things and I generally am good with tools. I enjoy getting dirty and taking thing apart. Today I attempted to replace the anti-scald cartridge on my shower - should have been simple. Right now I am waiting for a plumber because I can't get everything back and the shower on without creating a leak. This is a blow, because it should have been easy.

Lets hope the plumbers cute - now that can spawn some fantasies - hot plumber shower - mmmmmmmmmmmm

Rambling and Chewing Gun while walking

When I am walking from here to there or driving I keep thinking of things to post and then when I get to my destination I either don't have the time or don't feel like sitting down and blogging - so today I thought I just babble.

First - could I have used the word " whilst" instead of "while" in the title of this post? It sometimes comes off as pretentious when Americans use words that people in the UK commonly use - but I really like the word "whilst" but not completely sure I use it right.

Second - been thinking a lot about sex (I know who isn't), but a fair bit about what's missing in my life. Bit of context here. Met up with this guy for the second time - first time was great, lots of hot kissing and really tender play. Guy was my age - the kinda body that could be much better if he lost 15 lbs but definitely worked out - must spend too much time traveling for work and eating in nice restaurants. And for those of you who are size queens he had a ballistic missile of a cock. Fat on the bottom tapering and big. Since I am not a size queen I liked that he liked to kiss a lot while fucking and let me be the aggressive bottom that I can be when I am in the mood to be fucked. Anyhow, for the second time I just wasn't into it, midway through the fuck I lost my hard-on and tried to be a good sport and make sure he was having a good time, but I left without getting off. So the question is what was going on in my head. Part of me wants to be a carefree sexual person into getting off with hot guys - but the other part of me becomes disconnected and alienated from the act.

Third - Hillary or Obama? Although I am happy that I voted for Hillary - part of me thinks that Obama represents the future and that our best chance to beat McCain is Obama. His ability to generate enthusiasm from independents is very cool. In the end I just think Hillary will make the better president.