Blog crossroads

I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do with this blog. Part of it has been a careful balance between trying to stay anonymous and using it as a forum to publicly work out issues. However, since I was trying too hard to stay anonymous it just became random. I thought a lot about the blogs I like to read and those blogs you get to know someone and understand their issues. So today is the cross roads where I tell all and just let it hang as it may be.

Like most guys I had a sense I was gay in my teens. Like too many men I repressed this until I was much older. I tried to date women but my heart wasn't into it and was pretty much a virgin until my mid-20's when I dated one woman and had sex. We dated for two years but in reality what I wanted was a man. When we broke up - I sort of fell in on myself and found the internet. I sort of began to express myself in gay internet chat rooms. One night I had this incredible chat with this hot sounding guy. I found out he lived within a couple hours and sort of panicked. We reconnected a couple months later and again had an incredible sexual charged chat. Over time we moved from the anonymous chat room to MSN messenger and chatted twice a day. Then one day we took a big leap and met for dinner, which evolved into making out in the car, which evolved into a hotel room, which ended up my first sex with a guy at the age of 34.

I drove home at 4 am on cloud 9. The one thought in my head was that I just had sex with a man and no one knew. All these years of being repressed and hiding and for what. Fear of discovery? No one needed to know. I could do this and be free! Of course in the course of a week I told my closest friends including the last woman I had dated. Of course I was head over heals in love and when the whole thing crashed and burned witht he first guy I was distraut - but I got over it. And began to explore what it meant to be a gay man.

Now its 8 years later. I have had two -six month relationships and am currently in year six of my third. In some ways I feel like I am with the man I will grow old with, but some things about where I am keep me very restless. Mostly sexually - we have some real issues when it comes to sex and so now I find myself very much in love with someone and finally out and gay, but not enjoying sex. Sometimes I look elsewhere for sex and sometimes I just try to explore what I want out of life.

What is most important is that I am learning about myself. About a year ago I decided to see a shrink. For anyone who had ever wanted to sort stuff out I highly recommend it but it is not an easy process to find a shrink you click with and slogging it through the personal discovery process is even harder. So from now on this blog will try to be more focused on my life - sometimes what is going on in my life sexually, sometimes my fantasies, sometimes issues I am wrestling in therapy and sometimes I will just rant!