Internet Tragedy

I have a buddy online who I have known for over six years. When we started chatting he was completely closeted and over the six years he grew a lot, eventually met another closeted guy and they began to date. We would chat on msn. He was a very sexual person who was really growing into a mature gay relationship. Recently I noticed he wasn't online so I emailed him to see what is going on - I even emailed his bf. Yesterday I got an email from his bf which said:

"I have not been online for sometime. I suspect the same is true of Adam. We are no longer together. It is a long sordid story and probably Adam should tell it. I am struggling with my feelings. I still love Adam, but i guess i knew from the beginning it would not last, and I am the fool for thinking it would. I will tell you this much; Adam has been outed and he has run for cover. I am grateful that I have not been outed (at least not to my family) but i can see the day coming when I will tell them."

I don't know the details but what I suspect is that being out was too much and they broke off contact. This makes me sad for a number of reasons. First, I consider this guy a friend and my heart goes out to him. As a friend I wish I could help. I am sure he is lonely, isolated and scared. I have no idea how to get a hold of him or offer support I don't even know his last name. Two months ago I found out his father died in freak accident - I couldn't send a condolence card - because once again I didn't know his last name or address.

This is such a freakish world we live in because people we care about are mere ghosts. They can vanish and don't exist.

I would like to write more about the tragedy of love that is lost, but wanted to vent about how people can vanish in our internet world.

Watersports

So I need to catch up on stories ... in the midst of all the craziness I have hooked up twice with a bud in the last couple of weeks. Like always the sex is hot. The last time - he said he wanted to try some watersports. I thought we would never do it - we just get busy in the bed room and never make it to the bath room to really try it, but I had to pee - so we moved to the bathtub - he sort of laid down and asked me to pee on his chest and dick ... luckily this was not turning me on so my hard-on softened a bit and I let a bit off - he wanted me to save some so I could pee on his ass cheeks ... turns out it wasn't doing much for him either so we showered clean - and got back to business ...

... more later

Like a Hamster on a Tread Mill

It seems like we are destined to repeat patterns. All my life I tend to over program, over commit - and get myself too involved. Right now besides a busy work schedule I have two moon lighting jobs and running a volunteer thing that could be a full-time job for many - I still try to get to the gym 5x a week.

I feel like a Hamster on treadmill.

To make it worse I am having a rare outbreak of control issues. Instead of delegating some design things I am insisting on doing them myself even though I don't have time to play graphic designer ...

Deep breathes - of course last night at almost midnight instead of sleeping I was chatting on line and watching porn - so in the midst of all this craziness I squandered two valuable hours jacking off - does this make rational sense to anyone?

Conversation

I had this chat with a buddy of mine from Dudesnude.com


Scroll down his last post - very hot!

Buddy: Doing ok. Just read emails........off to bed. Long day. Late for YOU to be on here! GET TO SLEEP! ASAP!!! (You are married!?) Take Care Buddy

23 Jun 2009, 19:39
You: Hey my bf is out of town so I like to play ...

25 Jun 2009, 12:53
Buddy: GET TO HOUSTON THEN! I am headed to Charlotte in July. ;)

26 Jun 2009, 00:09
You: Are you moving to Charlotte or just vacationing?

Why not visit Boston we would have a wild visit

26 Jun 2009, 00:46
Buddy: Yes! You + Me + BF Hmmmmmmm That would be fun.......have you two ever? IT is fun........ I am headed to Charlotte to visit a friends Mother........Who through the years have stayed in contact with. Such a Fun Nice Lady(80's) Her son Michael passed away back in 1991. She misses him Dearly. Brings him up each time we talk. Felt it was time to SEE her while all is ok and she is still with us. :) Hmmmmmmmm

26 Jun 2009, 21:56
You: You are such a good boy.

We have done one threeway at a sauna in london. It was hot.

However, if you ever come to Boston I want you all to myself!

27 Jun 2009, 09:08
Buddy: I wonder after reading your Profile.....how much TROUBLE you really get into! Hmmmmmm! ;) So. Tell me who did what in the three way. Loved to have watched and then joined in. From what I remember your BETTER half ;) was nice looking. As far as Friends......Look for Good people. If you go into it looking at them as possible sex, etc. Not good long term. Then again it does work out... I have 5 long term Best Friends. All have been around longer then 10 years. YES I would want to Be with You as well........then maybe more with hubby. *(just to see how he fucks......maybe teach him by letting him watch me fuck you and how we both would really be into it ;) Sorry about loosing your job a while back. I did in 2000 One day just out the door. 17 years there. Crushed. Now. Love what I do but money is tight. I should have new pics on my site soon(someone is working on it for me for $$$ :*( Well, YOU BE GOOD

27 Jun 2009, 10:09
You: How much trouble?
Well, about two or three times a year I see one of three buds. All also have partners. We have a great time and its cool. Besides that I am a good boy. Wish you could teach my bf - the honest truth is we are all damaged in some ways - and I am not sure anyone can repair him but himself. I love him as he is - but sometimes I just have different needs that I am not sure he can fulfill.

Although it all sounds hot.

The threeway in the sauna in London - he fucked this guy from behind while the guy sucked me - I can remember - he had a shaved head and held his smooth head on my cock as I watched my bf pound him from behind - some stranger was working my nipples - it was pretty hot.

Odd you mentioned the job - I am supposed to have drinks with my old boss and last night I had dreams - still have lots of anger - although I love being a professor - directing a thesis program has is fun!

You sculpture is great so its good you changed!

can't wait to see the picks stud!

27 Jun 2009, 11:19
Buddy: Does the boyfriend Not want or mention a three way to you? How did the First one Happen......talked about beforehand? He is ok with it? You two talked afterwards? Just wondering what is in His mind. Tell him your desires.....needs in a good close loveing setting! ;) Then let him Fuck You for me............. ;*(

27 Jun 2009, 12:01
You: He has a hang up about threeways - when he was single he got into a messy thing with a couple - so he is cool with threeways when there is no potential for repeats like when we are in a sauna in London.

He liked the piggy raw(not unsafe but in the slutty sense) aspect of sex - he has an issue with intimacy - when we talk about sex and our issues he just says that I really don't like to bottom and we just like different things-he likes to dominate and I hate to submit and we are just different - what he doesn't understand is that getting off is okay but sometimes I need him to poor his love for me into the sex ... I don't know if I am explaining this right - but say when I give him a bj or a handjob he zones out - isn't there - I could be anyone - and that is alright sometimes, but its a chore to always have to refocus your partner in being "there" so I give up - does any of this make sense?

27 Jun 2009, 16:57
Buddy: It does............Not sure how to bring New Life back into that area for you. Books? Who knows. I can understand (at times) that most likely he is Fantizing while you suck him off.........just so he can focus....? I still think sometimes of a Coach from High School Down on me when in fact it is just someone ;) He says YOU don't want to bottom........for You want it slower, love making at times(which I love) vs him pounding that Sweet Ass of Yours ;) I have been with Aggressive people...they feel like sex has to be something they learned in a movie, etc....I slow them down.......gently touch them all over.......give body/back rubs to start......then get more sensual by licking Everywhere! Builds them up to Wanting it......then I slow Fuck them kissing and Chest to Chest Fucking for a while....then pull back some and take hold of his Cock and stroke him until we cum together...... Love that! Now! Can that be the same way All the time with the same person....Nope. Have to change things up......Just a Fast Good Fuck sometimes and get on with the day is good too! Let him have his way with you several times.........(lucky man) and see how it feels, works.....if he is more interested and then will take his time by you slowing him up. I love blindfolding one of my buddies.....while I have sex with him. It seems to change how you feel things. You FEEL everything vs sight. Next time you two get together and he is wanting to be sucked. Try a blindfold. Just try it. Towel over the eyes down to the nose area. Touch him all over very Very lightly! then start licking him.......his groin, legs(inner thigh), balls, chest, ribs, side of neck, then go down on him.....slowly softly with mouth only...then start using your hand with mouth and very wet....as you sense him getting closer.....just ever so slightly start to grasp a little more firm and stick out your tongue while your mouth is still going down on him and you are stroking him. Should be a Very Good Cum! :)

27 Jun 2009, 17:27
You: Oh man, why can't I be one of your buddies.

That email got me rock hard!

Seriously, it is very sweet of your to give advice. I really appreciate it and will try some of that stuff. As with all relationships it is just complicated. The day in and day out makes it easier to ignore problem and just appreciate each other - he is very sweet and loving person.

However, no matter how much I love him - there are certain people I have met on here that it would be lovely to have a night to enjoy each other - my sense is that you are a very good lover - just the way you talk about sex.

Glad I met you on here!

Now I am back to studying.

So sometimes it is better to live inside one's head
it is hard to live the life we want
and when we get a chance to do actually climb
the air gets thin

Down here on earth we have choices
Biting from the apple does nourish
the question is did the snake give it to us?

Just plain horny

Sitting here at work and I have a list of things to do, but man am I horny. I am dying to log on to manhunt or gay.com and see if any guys want to hook-up, but its too dangerous to use the internet at work for that stuff. Makes me want to pay the extra 20 a month and get internet on my phone so I can cruise for sex. Of course as I write that it makes me feel like an addict – needing my fix of internet porn or cruising. I suppose sex is an addiction. We men like to think of our constant jacking off as just our way of dealing with the genetic imperative to propagate the species. Since we can’t go around impregnating females we might as well jerk-off. As gay men it becomes almost a raison d’être. I have cum therefore I am.

Roll-over and assume the position

“Roll-over and assume the position,” was what I thought I heard as I was coming out of a deep sleep. BF had gotten up and I was vaguely aware of what was going on. His dick was hard and he was grabbing a towel and lube.

“What position? ... huh, what are you talking about ...” I croaked, stretched and rolled back over on the pillow.

“Head down – ass-up, “ he replied and crawled into bed.

“Sweetie – I am not awake and my stomache hurts,” every hour since 4 am I had been woken up with stomach pains ... next thing I knew he had given up on fucking me and was on his back jacking-off. Waves of guilt rolled over me and in my sleep addled state all the issues of our sexually dysfunctional relationship. After all neither of us has initiated sex in months and now he is asking and I am not only not fully awake, nor in the mood and to top it off – a bit funky because of my stomach. Half asleep I made an attempt to help and eyes closed played with his nipples as he jacked off.

Eventually he asked me to suck his nipples and he came. As his orgasm rocked through he cradled my head lovingly as I continued to flick my tongue over his nipples. Somehow the cuddle affirmed everything to me – yes I could rant and rave about how we are on different planets about sex. ..

... I could get on my pedestal about how the statement “roll over and assumed the position,” is so wrong when said to a sleeping bf.

.... I could beat myself up for not being the submissive bottom that my bf wants or beat him up for his inability to communicate his love and intimacy to me through sex.

In the end I love him.

He loves me.

And no matter how fucked up our sex life is – we have each other.

Don't Roll your Eyes

Our fair city is blessed with a series of paths that run along the river allowing one to bike/walk/ run from lots of areas to the downtown. It takes me about an hour to get from my house to my office all along the river with some minor crossing of streets and traffic.

On my way to work this morning I got to one part of the route where the pavement gets narrow, so that as a biker I have to be careful about pedestrians and runners. Generally, I warn people and tell them I am on their right or left and as I pass usually say thank-you.

So I see ahead of me two women jogging side by side. There was a narrow space between them and a fence. So I yelled ahead, but there was not response, they were too plugged into their IPods. As I got closer I said it again. Once again no response. Finally I shouted and one of the women pulled the other closer so I could pass. As I rode past I gave them a dirty look. The one woman yelled at me “don’t roll your eyes.” I decided not to reply but it really pissed me off.

We all have to share the road and have a responsibility to be aware of our surroundings. Clueless people who are so plugged in and cannot hear what is around them need to unplug and observe the rules of the road.

So I will continue to roll my eyes at clueless people!

What do bottoms think?

So even though I like being fucked as much as the next guy, I have to admit that I rarely crave it. In the heat of the moment sure I sometimes enjoy it, but when I am get horny I never think "... man I need a cock in me ..." its mostly about connection and the physical grinding of hot man to man fun.

When I have had bad sexual experiences it has been the while being fucked I loose interest. Usually, its a dominant top who just wants to pound and treat me like meat. The fucking doesn't feel bad it just doesn't feel like anything.

So I was curious about guys who crave cock up their ass? Big bottoms who just like to be pounded. What is going on in your head? Are you in a zone? Are you focused on the man above you? Can you visually you are being violated? What is it all about?

Late Night Ramble

So work has been busy.

I have been studying a lot for exams. Took one today - think I did alright - I definitely felt prepared. The next couple of weeks will be late nights at work big presentations.

Been trying to get to the gym a lot. I think the last two weeks I might have gotten there 6x a week. Hopefully with all that is on my plate I can keep it up. Its probably vanity but the truth is most of my life I have carried around the image of the slightly chunky nerd boy - who had a disdain for team sports. As I came to accept myself as a gay man I realized that those jocks with the hot bodies and comfort with themselves was the man I wanted to be. I like being physical and I have begun to embrace that. Right now my body is decent. With a push it could be hot, but I am not sure that is why I am pushing myself, I guess as I hit 44 this year keeping fit is about not giving into age. Gan't help posting Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig because they are over 40 and hot!

Its funny had some big drama with the bf. He dropped some bombs and then its back to normal. Been processing and thinking a lot about it. Ultimately I have got to be willing to show him the side of myself that wants to go dancing or hang out at gay pride or just be more out in the world. He doesn't have this need, but unless I show him that side of myself it will always be a double life that strangles me.

Finding my voice

Anyone that knows me will say that I am a pretty outspoken person. I can be very blunt and especially in a meeting situation will be someone who says what everyone else doesn't have the nerve to say.

However, when it comes to personally confronting someone in my life - I freeze up. Its like I have lost my voice. What makes it worse is that the thoughts rattle in my head, I have dreams about yelling and people and get a stomach ache.This is just a gratuitous hunky image because I haven't given y'all any eye candy

Caught: honesty, anonymity and life

This was a hard weekend. In my personal life a couple bombshells were dropped including my bf finding out about my ad on manhunt.

I have to be honest I have been seriously thinking of pulling this blog. We like to fool ourselves that we can have this hidden double internet life and when part of that life becomes discovered it not only shatters the illusions but makes us want to hide. I am saying "we" because I have seen this on other blogs and have always wished the blogger kept writing. However, if I use this space as a shared diary telling things to strangers that I wouldn't want those close to me to know the importance of this shattered anonymity is critical. How honest can I be here if I am terrified about being discovered?

So here is the story.
I love my bf. The first year of the relationship was rocky and I came to that love kicking in screaming because he didn't have what I wanted in a relationship: he wasn't jewish, he has an explosive temper and after an outburst is done - doesn't want to talk about it; he doesn't appreciate art or design, he isn't a communicator, he is not by nature an open or a person of generous spirit. As time went on our love grew because: he adores me, I can be my complete silly unedited self (except sexually), we really enjoy travelling and spending time together and the most important thing, WE WANT TO BE WITH EACH OTHER. I know this may seem odd to some of you, but in my experience half of the success of a relationship is that simple decision to be with each other. Anyhow, by year two of the relationship I figured out two things: first, we are not sexually compatible and two, I needed more. I set-up a twisted logic. As long as he didn't know and I protected him - I could keep my sexual explorations to myself. By finding out about the manhunt ad it shatterd that. Of course I could have used that moment to come completely clean but something inside me stopped and I didn't.

So for those at home who have been wondering why I call this blog "meshugener" today's post exposes things about me and my life I consider crazy/screwed-up and a bit off. Take out your score cards kids cause he come the final tally:
a) My desire for a double life
b) Willing to say things on here that I wouldn't want the people I love know about
c) Continueing to gloss over the truth when presented with the opportunity to make things better.

Well, I have to run but there is a lot more I would like to say on this subject ...

Does any of this make sense to anyone out there?

Everyone has a bad hookup

Many years ago I hooked up with this guy on gay.com. We will call him S.

It wasn't long after I started having sex with men and I don't remember him all that well. He was in his early 30's short, thin, slightly hairy and jewish. He fucked me and I think I came twice which he thought was the coolest thing. Over the years I have "bumped" into him on gay.com and we talked about doing again. For a couple years we tried to a threeway with another guy, but it never happened. In fact through S that I met P. P and hooked up a number of times and had fun sex before P moved to Atlanta.

Flash forwward to a month ago when S hit me up on gay.com and we talked about getting together. S is now married to his bf and they have adopted children but he still wants some adventure. He keeps wanting me to find a partner for the threeway. With his schedule it is really hard and most of the time I would rather just stay with the FB that I have such trouble seeing.

So last week he emails me and introduces me to B. B has the house to himself for a month. So we started talking abuot getting together. So today, I started chatting with B on gay.com today and we decided that I would come over after the gym. I got there - he wasn't really my type but I had driven all that way so we started making out and it really wasn't working for me - I felt bad and tried to stay cause he was all excited, but he started going at my nips a bit too aggressively and I looked up and saw pictures of his daughters - and I was completely not into it and apologized and left.

I feel horrible, but it just wasn't working for me.

How it should be when two men come together

So five minutes ago my buddy K left.

K is also partnered. Met him on Manhunt - took about two years to finally meet - turns-out he lives five minutes away. We see each other about twice a year. He is 48 5'-6" slim, nicely muscled with a trimmed chest. We never have enough time but the time we do is always great. Today he said he has about a half hour between a haircut and the gym and said he would come over and get me off. I said he isn't coming over unless he enjoys himself too.

So I met him at the door in red gym shorts, white t-shirt no underwear or socks.

We started making out the second he was in the door.

"I thought you were going to be naked...?" he said and I remembered that I told him in my email that I would be waiting naked and ready.

"I got lazy ..." and he started undressing me as we made out him fully dressed. He gently push my hands to the front door and started licking my nips my hard cock jammed against his shorts. It felt hot to be standing naked in the entry to my house with him fully dressed. Chills ran up my spine cock throbbing. He moved up to my face our lips barely touching and then smiled impishly and backed away lips just out of reach and then coming close my cock slipping between his legs rubbing against his shorts. His hand reaching around it and slowly stroking. His fingers tweaking my nips. "is that porn you have on?" I laughed, "...yeah I left it on upstairs ..."

I suggested going upstairs but first wanted to grab my shorts from the floor, he wrapped his hands around me from behind and held me - rubbing his hands over my torso. "leave them." Naked I walked up the stairs ahead of him - my ass cheeks wiggling - an open invitation for him to slap them.

Upstairs we got to the side of my bed and were making out again. I have to admit that I stopped writing and grabbed lunch and now only an hour later the details are fuzzy. What remains in my head is the sensual way our bodies came together at the side of the bed. How his body fit perfectly next to me and how I thought this is the way it should be when two men come together. Lips, hands and bodies coming together for mutual pleasure.

I have a fleeting memory of him undressing and our bodies coming together. Licking his neck, shoulders and then my tongue flicking between arm pit and pec. My hands lightly tracing his shoulders, tongue flicking over one nipple and then the other. Planting kisses down his torso until I buried my face in the crook between thigh and balls, nose in his bush, licking. Opening wide I opened my mouth wide and took his cock deep in my mouth. Many would say K has a small dick - I would say it is medium and perfect. Maybe six inches and cut I can easily let it hit the back of my mouth and hold it there letting it fill my mouth. Love just to hold it there and hear him moan as his hands knead my shoulders, my mouth slowly working back up, tongue sliding up him. I really got into sucking him, slow and deep.

Rewind to a couple posts ago

So like a tease - a couple months ago I posted that I had mixed feelings about my bf leaving on a business trip. I love him and whenever he leaves I know I will miss him, but the same time I look forward to the freedom and the chance for some sexual adventure.

More and more I think about how dysfunctional our relationship is in regards to sex. For the past two years I have been stubborn in refusing to deal with it. I often wonder what he thinks. Doesn't he miss having sex. He says - getting off is getting off, but doesn't he miss sharing that passion with the man he loves. My sexual fantasies have been more and more like a Harlequin romance - just more and more explicit. Yes, we kiss and cuddle but actual sexual communication is non-existent and like an elephant in the room we just ignore it - completely!

The bottom line is I manage the idiosyncrasies of so many people. Managing people and not expressing myself is about survival. Trying to untangle the mess the bf and I have about sex is just one task I am not up for right now and will put me over the edge.

Lame

Yes, this is the obligatory I am so lame for ignoring my blog post.
Now is the obligatory moment where I whine about the fact that it didn't seem to matter to anyone.

The truth is that I think often about writing - usually in places where I don't have access to the internet. I would like to use this as a space to write and record thoughts and ideas - and if anyone listens cool but who knows ...

Freedom or Sorrow

This morning I drove the BF to the airport. He is going to be gone for a couple weeks for a business trip in Asia. I am going to miss him. At the same time I am looking forward to the freedom. Deep down I don't find it odd or psychologically tenuous to have this sadness of him leaving for so long and simultaneously looking forward to the time it will allow for me to do things that I usually don't while he is around. The part that some in society would question is the fact that I view this time as a sexual playground. The moralists out there will judge. And I suppose a blog titled "Meshugener" seems appropriate for someone who has constructed such denials.

The upshot is that I am going to try to blog daily during this time about how I use my freedom and what I do with the feeling of sexual expectation that this freedom has unleashed.

At the same time only one person has my heart - explain that if you can!

Its the little things

Okay gentle readers, if you have a spare barf bag taken as a souvenir from a flight, please pull it out now, because this post may sicken some of you.

This morning, like most mornings I got up while the bf was still asleep. I took a shower and then headed downstairs to dress while eating. Arriving in the kitchen, I found the electric kettle boiled, a bowl of cereal ready, with a banana, spoon, napkin all ready for the milk.

The bf got up, set up my breakfast and went back to sleep. I know it is silly, but that tiny act made me smile and filled me with love. Yes, sexually we don't have a great relationship, but its the little things that fill me with love and sometimes you got to share it, even if it is a bit nauseating.

So I got an email from a friend the other day and he made the following comment:

"Is there something about...for gay boys, the quest for the father figure, especially if we did not connect that well, that often with our own fathers? And if some of us didn't connect to them, then do we seek, either subliminally or consciously, mates who embody some element that our fathers did not?

And is this quest for perhaps complimentary partners just an offshoot of that quest?

I don't know. It's very fuzzy to me. But like a shadow on the other side of opaque glass, I think there's something there. Could be a monster, could be a mouse, but there's a truth to the types of guys who turn us on, (beyond just the looks) and what we perhaps didn't get as boys.

AND...this is the kicker...perhaps we get older, and wiser, and learn, and then the men who inspired us when we were "boys", no longer inspire the AWE as we are "men." And perhaps that's why we grow apart from our first partners in ways that would never allow us to go back."

My first reaction was ewwwwww, I don't want to be with anyone like my Dad. Don't get me wrong I love my father, but the thought of being in love with him is another story. And yet when I look at who I have chosen to be with, he is very much like my Dad and the roles in our relationship are very similar to that of my mother and father. I am not talking about silly shallow card-board assumption of who is passive or aggressive or who is fem and butch. Rather I am blunt, pragmatic, more of doer, whereas my bf is more spacey, cerebral, repressed. We all fall in to roles no matter how much we try to avoid it.

So its late.
Work has been full of long days but been doing some real exhilarating stuff. I am sitting in bed wearing boxer and a t-shirt with my laptop on my lap. In one corner a porn is playing with the sound off. My cock is half hard as my body feels the exhaustion and yet I feel a stirring need. If you walked through the door of my bedroom I would smile and gesture for you to come round the side of the bed. My hand would wrap around your waist and pull you close as you lean down to wrap your lips around mine, our head tilting, lips grazing lightly - just getting a feel for each other. Stepping back you strip naked and stretch. Pulling back the covers I invite you in, our bodies sliding together as we kiss. My leg slides between yours our cocks touch as I pull you on top of me-kisses becoming more forceful. Wrapping my heals around the back of your thighs I gently nibble on your earlobe hands running down your back ... smiling I look into your eyes - Thanks for coming over!

Default Bottom

Am I really a bottom?

Funny how one's gay sexual identity is tied to sexual position. The problem is that the answer to the question is so much more complex. I know gay men who love the feeling of getting fucked. They love the feel of cock in their ass, massaging their prostate. I know other gay men who are so into physically getting fucked, but get off on being fucked mentally. They love a tough man on top of them or behind them pounding their ass. Of course their are men who truth be told enjoy the sensation of being fucked, but can't over the stigma in their heads that being fucked is a position of weakness or submission so they mentally can't enjoy what they physically like.

There are so many stigmas to being "fucked up the ass". In slang terms to be "fucked up the ass" is the ultimate in being hosed, shit on, degraded. The general connotation is very degrading and I assume that some men enjoy being a bottom for the humiliation and submissive aspect of it. However, if you sexual predilections don't run to the submissive or sadomasochistic, the thought of putting yourself in this position can be very hard to take.

Truth be told I never decided I was a top or a bottom. With my first couple sex partners I was interested in both. Being less experienced I fell more on the receiving end rather than giving, but was I a bottom. It wasn't until I was with my current bf that the issue came to a head. My current bf views himself as a top (although I have fucked him a couple times). His tastes run to dominance and he likes his sex physical rather than romantic (I can explain better if I ever finish the post on sexual autism). Where the conflict arose was that I seem to receive the best receiving sensation if I am on top of a guy basically riding. Guess it is what you would call pretty aggressive bottoming. If your partner is dominant and a bit fussy - these two do not mix. Once my bf said that I wasn't really a bottom - he knew what a real bottom was - and they like to lay there and just take it.

For a while all of this was confusing.

Well let me make a confession. One reason I do not attempt to top more is an insecurity about cumming prematurely. If you are like me and can cum at the drop of a dime, the sensation of a nice tight ass, can make you blow in seconds. It just takes the fun out of it, worrying that I will cum too soon and not satisfy the man under me or ruin my rare chance to fuck a hot ass. Even if I love the feeling.

What is my ideal?

I once had a fuck bud who could kiss for hours. He was very sexual and fun and accepting. Sex wasn't about roles, or positions it was just about enjoying and doing what felt right. Both he and I could cum multiple times and just enjoyed spending time in bed. Whether I fucked him or he fucked me didn't matter. He understood I was trigger happy and was more than happy to give me a blow job and fuck me and then for my third try let me fuck him. If I could cum a third time cool or not I fucked him until he came. It was all good.

So I guess you could say I am a default bottom. Do I enjoy being pounded by a big cock - not really, but if a hot guy presses the right buttons do I sometimes hop on and enjoy a dick up my ass? Sure thing. At least that is my story right now and I am sticking to it.

Where am I?

I got comment on my last post from Collegehooker boy - asking where I was?

First, I want to thank him for inspiring me to write and as sappy as it may sound caring whether I post or not ...

I am not a big fan of new years resolutions of promises to change my life tomorrow that I won't do today. The fact is with the holidays, starting a new job, snow storm and spending my productive blogging time usually jacking off to porn I haven't blogged as much as I would like.

So instead of whining abuot the blogging I intend to do or promise to do I am just going to write.

Right now I have a an old falcon porn up "huge 2". The opening scene two guys are lifting weights on a patio and start going at it. The first thing that happens is a guy is bench pressing and the guy spotting pulls out his dick and the other guy pulls himself up on the bar and swallows his cock. This playing around on the bench is one of my all time sexual fantasies. Later when one of the guys is eating the other guys ass, his hips tilted up I am thinking how much I just want to dive in and join the fun. I haven't eaten a hot smooth ass in over six months and I can just imagine licking, teasing, chewing and probing a hot muscular ass with my tongue. Like kissing, for me rimming is an art form. Something that should be savored. It is all about listening to the reaction and then working to drive the man crazy. Using various techniques to build the pleasure, sometimes diving in with your tongue, sometimes pulling back and just lightly blowing. Other times scraping some razor stubble over the tender ass lips and then soothing them with my tongue ....

My BF is Sexual Autistic

Warning: This post is sexually explicit don't read it if you are offended by graphic descriptions of sex.

Disclaimer: In using the term "autism" do I mean to disparage or make light of significant disorder. Let me apologize in advance if I offend anyone by using this term.
"Autism is a brain development disorder that is characterized by impaired social interaction and communication ..." from Wikipedia entry on Autism

So after not having sex with the exception of a random handjob here and there for nearly six months, my bf and I had what you could call sex. People ask me what is wrong with your sex life and this experience encapsulated it all. Let me tell the story ...