Who loves you baby?

In the past three months three guys have told me they can't talk to me anymore because they love me and knowing I am unavailable hurts them too much.

Mind you I have never met any of these guys in person.

Okay a little context, all three of these guys I met in a gay chat room. All of them I have chatted with over an extended period of time. All of them started as just cyber sex buddies but over time we shared bits of our lives with each other. All of them confided in me and me in them - and advise and care/interest in each others lives passed back and forth. I had considered them all friends. All of them I had talked on the phone with at least once. I did harbor fantasies of lust-filled encounters if we ever met. That is the fantasy someone you actually connect with and have passionate intimate sex. I definitely cared for these guys in a brotherly friendly sense.

BUT LOVE?

Now off-line in real life - people just don't fall in love with me. They just don't declare what a kind, sexy sympathetic person I am. Generally I get ignored (sometimes even by my bf). Now the scary part is that I generally view myself as a good judge of character - both on and off-line. All of these guys seemed genuine, stable and decent - accept for one thing - they have invented a deep and painful love with someone they never met.

Now even in my most egotistically moments I would never say that I am that special that I leap off the internet and into a man's heart. You got to question - are people that lonely, or out of touch with reality to fall in love with someone they have met on-line. Call me cynical - but I may lust after someone, I may fantasize about a night of intimacy that fills the void in my own life, but is it just me or is something odd here?

Rehearsing

So whenever the bf and I have a squabble ( I have decided not to call it a fight because we didn't really fight over anything in particular - I said something - he took offense got pissy and suggested I leave - it wasn't like we disagreed on anything).

So anyhow when such things happen rehearse what I want to say to him in my head over and over. I should be sleeping right now, but I woke up after 5-1/2 hours of sleep to go pee and instead of falling asleep I started rehearsing again. What was rattling around in my neurotic brain?

Well I rehearsed the call where I asked him when it would be best to pick-up my stuff. Then I rehearsed what I would say if he questioned what I was doing. Something like ..."I think it is best for the next couple of weeks if I don't come over here. If we want to get together we can go to dinner or do something, but for the short-term I would rather not come over here. Feel free to come over to my house if you would want."

Now I kept tossing around finding a way to share with him how much this all upset me. That I had trouble sleeping, and how hurt I feel, but it just felt manipulative and could turn into a fight because it was like was wagging a finger at him pointing and saying "look what you have done" trying to make him feel guilty.

I am trying to remain calm - matter-of-fact. I am trying to turn a corner and either he can come with me or not. It would be easy to fall into the same old patterns, keep treading water, but I don't think I can do it anymore. we either go forward together - now that is what I do want to say to him - something like "... I don't know what form our relationship in the future will take, but we can work that out together, I am just tired of fighting about the same things and feeling on edge - I have some needs - I am sure you have your needs we just need to figure out the middle ground where it works for both of us." This is where i can see him saying something like "... I need (insert cute nickname he uses to refer to me that I am too embarrassed to print here)."

And at that point I might just melt.

Or say something bitchy.

Or break his heart and that will hurt the most.

What I am feeling

So tonight I had a silly fight with my bf that ended up with me leaving his place after I finished my slice of pizza. As I drove home I sort of decided that I was done. Maybe not done with him in the sense of breaking up, but done with having these silly fights that result in spending a Saturday night alone. Not that spending a Saturday night alone is so bad, but after six years to have a fight because I questioned what was on the TV (which I was not consulted on) and being accused of being controlling and telling him what he can do on his free time - is just wrong. We just have different views about what it means to be in a relationship, and I for one am tired of doing the work, making the compromises and caretaking. I have done it all my life and I am tired. In two weeks I turn 43 and it is time I grew up and asserted myself.

Now of course in the midst of all this outrages and self-empowerment is a feeling of deep sadness. I do love him. And I miss him, but as a relationship we have hit a wall and its time to draw a line in the sand. He can grow up with me or be left behind. I am still sad.

So I go home and talk it out with my housemate - I think to preserve her anonymity I will rename her - Jill. We had a nice talk - mostly because we talked and it wasn't all about me - but she did point something out - the bf can either focus on me or him but cannot understand the "us". Now language like this mostly makes me vomit. Its too new age. But sometimes it really describes something. In this case the bf can sometimes be very unselfish - will do whatever I want - for example if i want to go to a restaurant - he will do it for me. And sometimes it is all about him (the handjob I gave him the other day). But in or out of the bedroom we don't make collective decisions or activities that are about the couple.

We are always debating living together - even though until tonight I did spend about 90% of my time over there. But I was always camping and trying to figure out when my stay was welcome or not. After six years that is an odd place to be in.

So I am sad.

So even though it wasn't said - and he probably doesn't understand what happened - we are sort of over. I will give him a chance, but I am not going over there again. If he wants to see me we can go to dinner. I just need to pull back and live my own life for a bit.

Guess for a little bit this blog will be about me trying to figure out what I want and who I am what happens with me and the bf - sorry if that bores anyone - it may get me to write more for those who like reading what I have to say.

Gross Thoughts

Okay if pooping grosses you out stop reading - and I am not talking about scat (for the record I say anything to do with shit and sex is just a big ewwwwwwwwwwww)

Here is the story.

I am in the toilet and I start thinking about evolution. Supposedly evolutionary traits are selected as part of the survival of the species. Frogs who can jump further get away from more predators so they survive to breed. Some of these selections are more complex and I am sure I am completely misrepresenting how evolutionary biology works, but my crazy brain begins to think about the prostate how it developed as part of the human digestive tract and a source of pleasure for men. My only conclusion was that if pooping was completely pleasureless, maybe early man avoided it and died of obstructed bowels.

I know even to be thinking of these things is just meshugener!