Rehearsing

So whenever the bf and I have a squabble ( I have decided not to call it a fight because we didn't really fight over anything in particular - I said something - he took offense got pissy and suggested I leave - it wasn't like we disagreed on anything).

So anyhow when such things happen rehearse what I want to say to him in my head over and over. I should be sleeping right now, but I woke up after 5-1/2 hours of sleep to go pee and instead of falling asleep I started rehearsing again. What was rattling around in my neurotic brain?

Well I rehearsed the call where I asked him when it would be best to pick-up my stuff. Then I rehearsed what I would say if he questioned what I was doing. Something like ..."I think it is best for the next couple of weeks if I don't come over here. If we want to get together we can go to dinner or do something, but for the short-term I would rather not come over here. Feel free to come over to my house if you would want."

Now I kept tossing around finding a way to share with him how much this all upset me. That I had trouble sleeping, and how hurt I feel, but it just felt manipulative and could turn into a fight because it was like was wagging a finger at him pointing and saying "look what you have done" trying to make him feel guilty.

I am trying to remain calm - matter-of-fact. I am trying to turn a corner and either he can come with me or not. It would be easy to fall into the same old patterns, keep treading water, but I don't think I can do it anymore. we either go forward together - now that is what I do want to say to him - something like "... I don't know what form our relationship in the future will take, but we can work that out together, I am just tired of fighting about the same things and feeling on edge - I have some needs - I am sure you have your needs we just need to figure out the middle ground where it works for both of us." This is where i can see him saying something like "... I need (insert cute nickname he uses to refer to me that I am too embarrassed to print here)."

And at that point I might just melt.

Or say something bitchy.

Or break his heart and that will hurt the most.