What I am feeling

So tonight I had a silly fight with my bf that ended up with me leaving his place after I finished my slice of pizza. As I drove home I sort of decided that I was done. Maybe not done with him in the sense of breaking up, but done with having these silly fights that result in spending a Saturday night alone. Not that spending a Saturday night alone is so bad, but after six years to have a fight because I questioned what was on the TV (which I was not consulted on) and being accused of being controlling and telling him what he can do on his free time - is just wrong. We just have different views about what it means to be in a relationship, and I for one am tired of doing the work, making the compromises and caretaking. I have done it all my life and I am tired. In two weeks I turn 43 and it is time I grew up and asserted myself.

Now of course in the midst of all this outrages and self-empowerment is a feeling of deep sadness. I do love him. And I miss him, but as a relationship we have hit a wall and its time to draw a line in the sand. He can grow up with me or be left behind. I am still sad.

So I go home and talk it out with my housemate - I think to preserve her anonymity I will rename her - Jill. We had a nice talk - mostly because we talked and it wasn't all about me - but she did point something out - the bf can either focus on me or him but cannot understand the "us". Now language like this mostly makes me vomit. Its too new age. But sometimes it really describes something. In this case the bf can sometimes be very unselfish - will do whatever I want - for example if i want to go to a restaurant - he will do it for me. And sometimes it is all about him (the handjob I gave him the other day). But in or out of the bedroom we don't make collective decisions or activities that are about the couple.

We are always debating living together - even though until tonight I did spend about 90% of my time over there. But I was always camping and trying to figure out when my stay was welcome or not. After six years that is an odd place to be in.

So I am sad.

So even though it wasn't said - and he probably doesn't understand what happened - we are sort of over. I will give him a chance, but I am not going over there again. If he wants to see me we can go to dinner. I just need to pull back and live my own life for a bit.

Guess for a little bit this blog will be about me trying to figure out what I want and who I am what happens with me and the bf - sorry if that bores anyone - it may get me to write more for those who like reading what I have to say.