This was a hard weekend. In my personal life a couple bombshells were dropped including my bf finding out about my ad on manhunt.
I have to be honest I have been seriously thinking of pulling this blog. We like to fool ourselves that we can have this hidden double internet life and when part of that life becomes discovered it not only shatters the illusions but makes us want to hide. I am saying "we" because I have seen this on other blogs and have always wished the blogger kept writing. However, if I use this space as a shared diary telling things to strangers that I wouldn't want those close to me to know the importance of this shattered anonymity is critical. How honest can I be here if I am terrified about being discovered?
So here is the story.
I love my bf. The first year of the relationship was rocky and I came to that love kicking in screaming because he didn't have what I wanted in a relationship: he wasn't jewish, he has an explosive temper and after an outburst is done - doesn't want to talk about it; he doesn't appreciate art or design, he isn't a communicator, he is not by nature an open or a person of generous spirit. As time went on our love grew because: he adores me, I can be my complete silly unedited self (except sexually), we really enjoy travelling and spending time together and the most important thing, WE WANT TO BE WITH EACH OTHER. I know this may seem odd to some of you, but in my experience half of the success of a relationship is that simple decision to be with each other. Anyhow, by year two of the relationship I figured out two things: first, we are not sexually compatible and two, I needed more. I set-up a twisted logic. As long as he didn't know and I protected him - I could keep my sexual explorations to myself. By finding out about the manhunt ad it shatterd that. Of course I could have used that moment to come completely clean but something inside me stopped and I didn't.
So for those at home who have been wondering why I call this blog "meshugener" today's post exposes things about me and my life I consider crazy/screwed-up and a bit off. Take out your score cards kids cause he come the final tally:
a) My desire for a double life
b) Willing to say things on here that I wouldn't want the people I love know about
c) Continueing to gloss over the truth when presented with the opportunity to make things better.
Well, I have to run but there is a lot more I would like to say on this subject ...
Does any of this make sense to anyone out there?
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