What do I feel?

Last night I had a strange dream -like all dreams it started in one place and kept morphing into other things. I know at one point I was in a large museum looking at Budhist icons - some were modern interpretations of the Buddha. I kept looking at these images and in my dream felt such sadness. I stood at the museum and walked around and would pause at the statues and start crying. Not just a little cry, but a real deep soul wrenching sob. When I woke up that saddness stayed with me. Thinking now - I am trying to remember what was going on in that dream. Was it death? Was it the human condition? Was I crying for myself?

So tonight I met this guy at a hotel. The other time we met we had a fabulous make out session and I rode him and it was great. Tonight I couldn't stay hard - parts were hot, but I wasn't present. At some point I focused on making sure he had a good time - because I knew my mind was not into it and I was not going to get off. It was like I wasn't completely there.

Now I am trying to figure out what I am feeling. Its like I don't know how to be in the moment anymore - its like obligation and duty and keeping other people happy has taken over and I don't know who I am anymore.