John Stewart Once again goes to the point!

If you haven't yet seen this video please watch it!

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=213349&title=mike-huckabee-pt.-2

Lots of bloggers have written about this ...
- http://crooksandliars.com/silentpatriot/jon-stewart-vs-mike-huckabee-gay-mar
- http://bucknakedpolitics.typepad.com/buck_naked_politics/2008/12/a-crucial-jon-stewart-interview-with-mike-huckabee.html

My two cents ... Huckabee at one point says that gay marriage is an attempt to complete redefine the nature of marriage. The odd thing is that gay marriage is actually a huge affirmation of the institution! Many people in the gay community question why we would want to ape a hetero sexual institution - and I think this is an interesting discussion but most importantly, it symbolizes the hate and fear American feels towards gay people.

As John Stewart says - we protect religion which is more a lifestyle choice ... man this pisses me off!

Reason # 29 Why we Don't Have Sex

So the other night my bf and I are watching TV.

Some extra in a scene is hot and he says ...

"I could blindfold him and fuck him."

and I say:

"He is hot, but I can think of better things to do than blind fold him ..."

More on this later.

Stand-up and be counted

For the past week and a half I have been dealing with my own issues with being laid-off and haven't had time to write about the vote in California to not allow gay marriage. Proposition 8 and its failure is a stunning blow against civil rights.

However, we can stand up and be counted. Some cool people have organized protests around the country.

GO

more information at:

http://jointheimpact.wetpaint.com/?t=anon

Cyber Top

Let me come clean. In real life I mostly bottom. Is it because I prefer to be fucked - not really. Trust be told I don't crave being fucked, sometimes I like it, sometimes I put up with it to please who I am with and sometimes I roll over cause I am insecure on top.

Here's the deal. I am a closet top or wanna be or a top in my own imagination. Why all evasion about sexual position? Simple I tend to cum easily, so sliding into a tight ass is frustrating cause I want to enjoy a slow deep fuck in a tight hole, but what usually happens is me worrying about cumming too soon, cumming too soon, not enjoying it because I am embarrassed and was too worried.

I know stop whining and wave that sexy ass in the air.

Well if I am chatting on line - for some reason guys often want me to fuck them. Maybe its because of my love of writing, but doing an IM roleplay I give a great fuck. Sweet, loving and deep I know what makes a good cyber fuck. Its partially listening and responding to make the imagination spark and the online typing hot. The other part is being on the receiving end I just fuck how I like to be fucked. Today I was online and this guy I chat with - mostly just friendly stuff we rarely ever to the sex-chat-thang, but today he got me to cyber fuck him good. Started out slow and deep but ended up with me slamming his ass on top of my desk...

This whole top or bottom dichotomy is weird to me. The best sex I have had was with this really versatile guy. We would spend hours in bed kissing and flipping. Usually I would have cum once or twice before he wanted to me to fuck him or he had already fucked me so it wasn't so much about cumming it was having good fun sex!

Sex after eight years

So the bf and I took a hike on Sunday and when we got back I decided to throw in a load of laundry. Didn't have a full load so I said to the bf did he have anything else to wash - next thing I know a naked bf is throwing his clothing in. Not a big deal but the next thing he says to me is - now that I am naked - you might as well give me a handjob. I wasn't really in the mood, but I am always bitching about lack of sex life so I came upstairs. He was already on the bed in position, pretty soft. So I leaned down and started sucking him. Slowly at first, partially cause he wasn't hard and partially cause when I blow someone I really like to enjoy the feeling of a dick slipping past my lips. He was starting to get hard and made some comment about I might need to suck him more aggressively if he is going to get anything out of it.

Part of me thought "fuck you" and part of me said - you bitch about your sex life, make an effort. BF has a dominant streak and gets into being serviced - and I am constantly saying I just need to get into the role. Fact is being dominated does NOTHING for me sexually, or at least part of personality fights it tooth and nail. I sometimes think if I just give into it I may enjoy it, but so far the verdict is NOT. Anyhow I started sucking him like he likes, mostly lips on the head, and hand working the tip of the head. I looked up at one point and his eyes were closed and I could have been a green alien and he wouldn't have know.

Now, I don't consider myself a champion cock sucker. The fact is bobbing down about a half-inch on is fat 8" makes my jaw ache. I find that if someone likes variation in their cock-suckers I can succeed much better, but if you just want me to concentrate on one spot and slobber on your big fat cock head, it is going to get tired fast. So I switched to just my hand. Eventually, the bf called me by my first name (something he rarely does in our day-to-day life- usually I am referred to by a variety of pet names - I am only get the first name when he is pissed or during sex). So I crawled next to him on the bed - his hand directed me to suck his nipple and I continued to stroke him.

Eventually he came - when I got up to wash my hands he wanted me to lay down so he could give me a hand job. At first I said that is alright. The whole thing didn't do much for my libido. However, he was being insistant and rejecting being pleasured (however much on his terms) probably wouldn't be a good idea. The fact is, when he jerks me off - it isn't very sensual - it is sort of mechanical. I tend to be a bit trigger happy and wish he would edge me and build it up and let me calm down once or twice - maybe even make-out or enjoy each others bodies rather than see how quickly he can get me to blow; which usually doesn't take too long. As usual after I came he kept stroking me even when it was sensitive and I was screaming for him to stop. Okay I am whining now, but at the moment I was laughing hysterically and that felt sort of good. A cathartic deep torturous laugh-fit. Maybe I do have a bit of masochistic streak.

The nice part is we took a shower together afterwards. It is one of the odd parts of our relationship, we are very kissie and touchy and cuddley and loving but when it comes to sweaty passionate sex something seems to misfire. In the shower, he lovingly scrubbed my back with this great sex salt and essential oil back scrub (oh I am such a scratch whore!)

Laid Off

So, Friday I demanded that one of the partners of my firm sit down with me and tell me what is going on and I found out that I was being laid off. Sort of odd that I had to instigate the discussion. Luckily I have money saved and it may be a good thing in the long run.

However, after twelve years there it is sad it has come to this. The partner I felt was my friend has gone silent. mostly because he is embarrassed and doesn't know what to say. This is a huge disappointment. They are laying me off and it is like I have done something wrong. Like I am a leper. I will keep my anger in check, take a deep breathe and leave with dignity.

I am looking forward to having more time to write, workout and re-group. Luckily I have had offers of support from friends and family so my safety net is in good position. Between money saved and and frugal living I should be able to ride this one out.

Was thinking of starting an alternate blog for just sex stories, but I will intermingle fantasy, real life and general banality to keep any regular readers on their toes.

So I may be laid-off but I am going to lay back and try to enjoy,

Would I do it for money?

With the economy getting scary I am been a bit worried about loosing my job.

Bottom line my company is not doing good and I am freaked.

When I first finished grad school we were in the height of the recession of 1990. It took me years to find a job and I was very poor. In the last year or two I was finally feeling like I was doing okay and put in an order for a new car - not the cheapest car I could find but a perfectly nice VW Jetta Sportwagon TDI 6-speed. It met my criteria for getting over 30 mpg and had a few luxuries. At 43 thought I could afford a nice car. Now I may cancel the order and looking at job options and other ways to make money.

Would anyone pay to fuck a 43 year old with a decent body, cute face and what I am told is a great ass? And the more important question is could I really sell my body? Could you? maybe I should set up a poll?

Random Thoughts

Tonight I made a presentation. It was to provide information to the larger community about the project that a committee I am on is doing. The project hasn't been going well and some in the community are getting snarky. In an effort to be transparent we have been hosting information sessions. I do my dog and pony show, answer questions, smile and make nice. I am good at this sort of thing. Tonight's audience was easy - they were mostly elderly and sort of sweet. Afterwards two members of the committee stayed behind and one really paid me this huge compliment about how good I am in front of groups like this. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I don't take compliments well. In truth, my style in working a room is mellow, sort of disarming, I often mess up facts and am glad that I had the support of a few of the committee members to remind me of details - especially in front of a group my brain doesn't always function when it comes to anything that has to do with facts - waxing eloquently about a conundrum I am pretty good at.

So after the meeting I call the bf. He doesn't pick up his cell phone but for some odd reason I go over anyhow. He was asleep on the couch and asked what I was doing there (here?). He thought I said I wasn't coming over - and in fact I said I may not come over. I probably shouldn't. At home I could have done laundry, pay bills, whacked to porn, but here I have to be a bit quiet and am limited. Consequently I am surfing the web and writing this post.

Why did I come over?

It really was an odd thing to do because I miss being at home and often bemoan my lack of opportunity to spend time there. At the same time I do love my bf and want to live with him some day - oddly one of my main motivations to live with him has to do with the fractured life I life now. I want to be with him and live a normal existance which means that when I am late at a meeting I don't get exiled to my house but I come back to the place I belong. Does this make any sense - I am not sure it makes sense to me. Regardless here I am. Even though he is passed out on the couch snoring - it feels right.

Whiney Conservatives

Okay something about Sarah Palin really pisses me off. However, what really gets my blood boiling is the whiney conservatives who come to her defense. Former acting Massachusetts Governer Jane Swift is now head of "truth squad" defending Sarah Palin. Jane Swift is upset about Barak Obama's comment on Sarah Palin's reformist credentials as "putting lipstick on a pig." Many things are upsetting about the conservative defense of Palin:
- first, yeah she talk about being a reformist but in instances like the so called "bridge to nowhere (actually is a bridge to the airport) that Palin claims not to have wanted - she actually canceled the bridge but Alaska still took the money - so her opposition is like putting lipstick on a pig, dressing up wasteful federal spending that as govenor she took advantage of ...
- second, conservatives always say that feminists are whining when they claim media bias - but in this case - it seems like this conservative isn't willing to live by her record ...?
- and last - John McCain has flip-flopped his entire career - seemed like a maverick while representing the rich corporate establishment - a fiesty, populist sounding woman is just putting lipstick on an old tired politician.

Sarah Palin

Is it mysogynist to say that last night she sounds like a smarmey, self-important, privilaged white women who is enamored by her own myth?

What it just me - who found her condescending?

Was my negative reaction because she was a woman or that most things that came out of her mouth seemed like scripted from the republican marketing machine that is selling us bankrupt feel good drivel that feel like a pedaphile offering a lollipop to a child?

I apologize - I usually can have a constructive dialogue about politics with most republicans because I try to be civil - but I am tired of being civil ... Sarah Palin drove me over the edge!

Moody

So we are watching Grosse Point Blank and I am drinking wine and being silly. Chair dancing to the sound-track and suddenly he turns off the TV. Goes to the bathroom and when he comes back he checks his email and turns off the TV and goes up to bed. Not one word.

What would you do?

I was a bit tipsy from the wine so I surfed the web until I felt steady. Quietly crept into his room to get the pants I took off from work with my wallet and money and went home. He might have been just tired - or I pissed him off, but I am happier at home - watching the opening ceremony of the Olympics, surfing Logo and writing blog entries.

T-shirts

The other day I was chatting with the bf about the appropriateness of t-shirt under a shirt. It got me thinking about how we learn about fashion and carry around norms in our head about what is right and wrong.

I am one of those people who generally wears a white crew neck t-shirt under most things. I didn't even own a wife-beater until I met the bf. I own a lot of white crews t-shirts and wear them under dress shirts and your basic cotton polo. In the summer I will wear them under a short sleeve shirt - the thought of wearing a shirt without one seems to me to be a bit naked.

Now, I know some guys wear beaters. You can see them under dress shirts, through short sleeve shirts, in the gym and out in the public. Did their father's wear them? Do they think they look hot or are just more comfy in them.

There is a tendancy to equate this divide in the t-shirt world to class or cultural preference. I am sure the fashionistas could opine on what to wear when - but we all have our own sense of fashion ...

Very Behind

Well there is a lot to tell y'all but I am going to bed I am tired. Went out dancing tonight and had a rare good time. Mostly because I ended up flirting and making out with this guy on the dance floor. More to come on that. Last weekend I had a sex with a married man and met up with an old fuck bud - both worthy of a nice and sexy post - of course in the midst of all this fun - I was stood up by a friend - had a strange and disturbing annual performance review and a good friends dad dropped dead of a heart attack. Once again all of these things are worthy of a post or two.

Will someone keep me honest and make sure I write about them.

The Married Man

As any reader of this blog knows I chat online and meet guys from all over. Occasionally, someone married who lives nearby contacts me - nothing ever comes of it, usually they are married, older or not attractive. More often even if the stars aligned - given my living situation and relationship - I am in as bad a position to host as a married man.

Well the star aligned.

I got an email from a guy I chatted with a couple months back. At first I couldn't place him, but he reminded me - and I thought why not - for the first time in forever, not only is the bf out of town, but so were my housemates. I sent him an email simply stating that if he wanted he could come over. About 5 emails and three hours later he walked in my door.

About 5'10, blond, tan, trim, slight but well built in jeans and polo shirt - he was an attractive man. He looked a bit like that '80's falcon star Jim Bentley - thick kinda lips lean compact build. He was nervous and we chatted for about five minutes and I got him closer on the couch and said sometimes its good to break the ice by just touching. So I put my hand on his knee and encourages him to touch my arm and in no time we wore making out like mad man. For a married man who hasn't done this for years and mostly blow jobs at gym saunas he was like a duck to water.

The thing about every married guy I have been with (and got to fess up - he is only my third) is that when they get the chance to feel comfy and truly be passionate with a man - they are like tigers. We were awkwardly twisting on the couch as our lips mashed together. His hands are roaming all over me - so I shift over and sit on his lap, knees sliding along his waist wrap my hands around his head and kiss him deep.

To be continued ...

Back from the Brink

One of the reasons I haven't posted in a bit is that the fight with the bf kept going on and on - until I really thought it was over. I brought dinner over to patch things up (after dramatically removing much of my stuff from his house) and we ended up in a huge fight. In these situations I become an emotional basket case and he becomes the icy cold prosecutor from hell. Of course it escalates because I am trying to find common ground and just dig deeper and deeper into distrust and misunderstanding. So I left - trying to look calm but the minute I got into my car - I started sobbing like a baby. All I could think of was that I didn't want to go home and cry alone so I started dialing friends. Of course I couldn't get ahold of any of them. I even contemplated going back to the bf's (don't ask me the fucked up logic on that one).

So as I pull into my driveway my cell phone rings.

It is the bf.

He proceeds to apologize for being a jerk.

Now I am trying to stop sobbing so I can talk to him - and he proceeds to keep apologizing about how he can't help himself and he never wants to hurt me blah blah blah.

Don't know what to say, but I accepted his apology. Part of me says after six years I shouldn't have to put up with this, but the other part says - we have fights like this once a year and I do love him.

Anyhow - I had a lovely birthday thanks to him and we are having a good time together - for now I am sticking it out.

Who loves you baby?

In the past three months three guys have told me they can't talk to me anymore because they love me and knowing I am unavailable hurts them too much.

Mind you I have never met any of these guys in person.

Okay a little context, all three of these guys I met in a gay chat room. All of them I have chatted with over an extended period of time. All of them started as just cyber sex buddies but over time we shared bits of our lives with each other. All of them confided in me and me in them - and advise and care/interest in each others lives passed back and forth. I had considered them all friends. All of them I had talked on the phone with at least once. I did harbor fantasies of lust-filled encounters if we ever met. That is the fantasy someone you actually connect with and have passionate intimate sex. I definitely cared for these guys in a brotherly friendly sense.

BUT LOVE?

Now off-line in real life - people just don't fall in love with me. They just don't declare what a kind, sexy sympathetic person I am. Generally I get ignored (sometimes even by my bf). Now the scary part is that I generally view myself as a good judge of character - both on and off-line. All of these guys seemed genuine, stable and decent - accept for one thing - they have invented a deep and painful love with someone they never met.

Now even in my most egotistically moments I would never say that I am that special that I leap off the internet and into a man's heart. You got to question - are people that lonely, or out of touch with reality to fall in love with someone they have met on-line. Call me cynical - but I may lust after someone, I may fantasize about a night of intimacy that fills the void in my own life, but is it just me or is something odd here?

Rehearsing

So whenever the bf and I have a squabble ( I have decided not to call it a fight because we didn't really fight over anything in particular - I said something - he took offense got pissy and suggested I leave - it wasn't like we disagreed on anything).

So anyhow when such things happen rehearse what I want to say to him in my head over and over. I should be sleeping right now, but I woke up after 5-1/2 hours of sleep to go pee and instead of falling asleep I started rehearsing again. What was rattling around in my neurotic brain?

Well I rehearsed the call where I asked him when it would be best to pick-up my stuff. Then I rehearsed what I would say if he questioned what I was doing. Something like ..."I think it is best for the next couple of weeks if I don't come over here. If we want to get together we can go to dinner or do something, but for the short-term I would rather not come over here. Feel free to come over to my house if you would want."

Now I kept tossing around finding a way to share with him how much this all upset me. That I had trouble sleeping, and how hurt I feel, but it just felt manipulative and could turn into a fight because it was like was wagging a finger at him pointing and saying "look what you have done" trying to make him feel guilty.

I am trying to remain calm - matter-of-fact. I am trying to turn a corner and either he can come with me or not. It would be easy to fall into the same old patterns, keep treading water, but I don't think I can do it anymore. we either go forward together - now that is what I do want to say to him - something like "... I don't know what form our relationship in the future will take, but we can work that out together, I am just tired of fighting about the same things and feeling on edge - I have some needs - I am sure you have your needs we just need to figure out the middle ground where it works for both of us." This is where i can see him saying something like "... I need (insert cute nickname he uses to refer to me that I am too embarrassed to print here)."

And at that point I might just melt.

Or say something bitchy.

Or break his heart and that will hurt the most.

What I am feeling

So tonight I had a silly fight with my bf that ended up with me leaving his place after I finished my slice of pizza. As I drove home I sort of decided that I was done. Maybe not done with him in the sense of breaking up, but done with having these silly fights that result in spending a Saturday night alone. Not that spending a Saturday night alone is so bad, but after six years to have a fight because I questioned what was on the TV (which I was not consulted on) and being accused of being controlling and telling him what he can do on his free time - is just wrong. We just have different views about what it means to be in a relationship, and I for one am tired of doing the work, making the compromises and caretaking. I have done it all my life and I am tired. In two weeks I turn 43 and it is time I grew up and asserted myself.

Now of course in the midst of all this outrages and self-empowerment is a feeling of deep sadness. I do love him. And I miss him, but as a relationship we have hit a wall and its time to draw a line in the sand. He can grow up with me or be left behind. I am still sad.

So I go home and talk it out with my housemate - I think to preserve her anonymity I will rename her - Jill. We had a nice talk - mostly because we talked and it wasn't all about me - but she did point something out - the bf can either focus on me or him but cannot understand the "us". Now language like this mostly makes me vomit. Its too new age. But sometimes it really describes something. In this case the bf can sometimes be very unselfish - will do whatever I want - for example if i want to go to a restaurant - he will do it for me. And sometimes it is all about him (the handjob I gave him the other day). But in or out of the bedroom we don't make collective decisions or activities that are about the couple.

We are always debating living together - even though until tonight I did spend about 90% of my time over there. But I was always camping and trying to figure out when my stay was welcome or not. After six years that is an odd place to be in.

So I am sad.

So even though it wasn't said - and he probably doesn't understand what happened - we are sort of over. I will give him a chance, but I am not going over there again. If he wants to see me we can go to dinner. I just need to pull back and live my own life for a bit.

Guess for a little bit this blog will be about me trying to figure out what I want and who I am what happens with me and the bf - sorry if that bores anyone - it may get me to write more for those who like reading what I have to say.

Gross Thoughts

Okay if pooping grosses you out stop reading - and I am not talking about scat (for the record I say anything to do with shit and sex is just a big ewwwwwwwwwwww)

Here is the story.

I am in the toilet and I start thinking about evolution. Supposedly evolutionary traits are selected as part of the survival of the species. Frogs who can jump further get away from more predators so they survive to breed. Some of these selections are more complex and I am sure I am completely misrepresenting how evolutionary biology works, but my crazy brain begins to think about the prostate how it developed as part of the human digestive tract and a source of pleasure for men. My only conclusion was that if pooping was completely pleasureless, maybe early man avoided it and died of obstructed bowels.

I know even to be thinking of these things is just meshugener!

Preppy?

When I was younger the preppy handbook came out - which was mystifying to me. A world of Chips and Buffys was strange to a nice jewish boy growing up in the southwest. My brother being the alienated member of the family he is embraced the preppy mantra and wanted to be like his friend Craig - whose family were as WASP as they come. At some point in his teenage years I remember my brother screaming at the family because we were not more like Craig's family, but i digress ...

... today I was surfing the guys on dudesnude and found a strange profile from the Netherlands with "preppy" as part of it. Now being a loyal reader of the London Preppy Blog - it suddenly hit me how odd that is that preppy has become a style descriptor used world over. For the past 20 years I have lived in New England - and learned about a social world of prep which is all about boarding schools, ivy league colleges and sailing. The clothing is about a lifestyle. A very specific lifestyle. And even though I may be caught in clothing loosely resembling these people I hardly think that I am one of them or want to be ...

Without me

This morning my bf got up before me. Being Saturday I wanted to sleep in. When I came downstairs he let out a moan and exploded into the fleshjack he was using as he watched porn on his laptop.

Okay its cool I was sleeping.

So as the day wore on I changed the lock on his garage door. Went to Home Depot, ran by my house to pick up some tools - got distracted in a hunt for something and ended up getting back to finish the job a couple hours later. When i got there he was jacking off again to porn ...

Now all of this would not be a problem, but we haven't had full on sex with each other in a bit. Neither has made a move to initiate anything. Its like we avoid each other for sex and take care of ourselves.

What's wrong with this picture?

Lossing my Voice

I chair a committee at my Temple. For anyone out there who does any volunteer work you know how dicey working with other volunteers can be. We may come to the venture with all the best intentions, but in the end egos get in the way. As a leader I try to stay above the fray and model patience, listening and search for concensus. I am not a saint, but I don't try to petty either. If a less stable person lashes out, I generally take it in stride, take a deep breathe and let it pass.

For the last month the entire community has been plagued by a person with an ax to grind. She is obsessed with a single issue and has been repeated told that people don't agree with her. Finally she seems to be internalizing the fact that she has lost that battle but now wants to be put on the committee. To add insult to injury she keeps asking for my phone number.

I have repeatedly told her that I don't give my phone number out and she has started a campaign to require that people who chair committees to give out their phone numbers.

The strangest thing is that this women is psychologist.

On advice of other people - I have decide not to engage her or respond to any of her allegations or baiting words. The problem is doing so drives me crazy. I feel like a lost my voice.

I remember years ago when I tried to reconnect with my older brother. As we sat in a coffee shop he started to say all sorts of things about my parents. Part of my brain shut down and I didn't respond - realizing there was no way to communicate within and not wanting a fight. I lost my voice that night too.

Caught with our pants down

I generally don't blog about current events or political issues even though these issues are very much on my mind. Being a obsessive NPR listener and news junkie I can't help but look at the current gas price hike and American's feeling like their balls are in a vice and just raise my eyebrows and say:

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?

We are 2-5 years away from cars being released that get decent gas mileage.

Most American cities do not have any decent mass transit options.

We have delayed serious research/implementations of alternative fuels energy generation when we had the chance.

I am old enough to remember the gas crisis of the mid-70's and the fledgling attempts at conservation then - that petered out and died.

I laugh at the SUV drivers who are getting 14 mpg.

I cry at the fact on how few options there are for 30+ mpg vehicles.

Basically America got caught with its pants down and it will be at least 5-10 years of real hard times as we re-think, re-tool and fight back to a point where we can stabalize from the price of high energy. I would feel glib if it didn't affect all of us and know for a substantial amounts of my hard working fellow americans this is really going to hurt!


Oh I found this image while looking for a pants down appropriate image - its hot and positive and a turn-on - so maybe as a silver-lining we can not use our cars AC - rip off our shirts and go for it!

Active fantasy life

As some of my regular readers know - I often log on to a gay chat rooms and engage in all sorts of hot chatting - sometimes just friendly - other times play-out scenes so hot - I cum in my pants. A couple guys are regulars; the majority I have no clue whether they are the hot studs they pretend to be or are really much older, fatter and less hot. A select few I have actually seen pictures of and really do believe they are who they say.

There is one guy who goes by the nickname bijock23 - he says he is 6'5 223 black blue 7 c. I think his name is Josh and he is somewhere in the NY/NJ area. I chatted with him today and man-oh-man they keyboard sizzles when we chat. I am totally in lust with this guy - and if he is half the lover he comes across on the computer then I don't really care what he looks like. Of course I doubt we would ever meet but if we did it might be something like what I wrote in this post months back .... Night with my bud (I know I need to finish that story)

It is interesting when you connect with someone in online chat - both of you seem to hit the right buttons in some fantasy. With this guy bijock23 - it is this sexual male bonding, tender with both of trying to please each other - he has this dominant / controlling streak - which usually really turns me off - but in his case it manifests itself in pleasuring. For example in chat I will say something like "let me lick you..." or "swivel around so we can suck each other" and he will say no, its all about you and proceed describe licking me in the most torturous ways. I know in real life there is no way I could lay there and let him have his way with me - but within the confines of the fantasy it is really hot.

Strange times at Gay Japanese Bath house part 2

Please go back two posts to read my introduction (http://meshugenergay.blogspot.com/2008/04/strange-times-in-japanese-bath-house.html) I really appreciate the couple requests to finish this story - it always helps to know there is in interest in ones babbling ... basically we were in Tokyo and the local gay bath house was the most convenient place for a soak and it had the advantage of the possibility of sex. Cruising in a bath house is an iffy proposition whether it is a Japanese one or not - the Japanese part added the dimension of cultural learning curve, being an ethnic minority and not speaking the language.

I had learned that one of the steam rooms was a prime location. It was dim had two areas that guys felt they could safely fondle and not have to commit. So being horny - I stood in the larger area of the steam room in clear site of the dim light (that way the guys could clearly see I was geijan if they were interested. Like teenagers at dance - groups of guys would come and go - leaning against the tile wall - checking each other out. When I guy was interested they would usually do some covert groping before more activities proceeded. I would hang out for a bit, then walk around check out the little maze of showers outside the steam room, see if I could catch anyone's eye and head back in. Eventually this tall kid, made his move of interest, he wasn't bad looking with an average body, so I groped him back. There was a little stroking under our towels and he eventually grabbed my hand and lead out of the steam room to one of the shower cubicles. Once in the cubicle we had an awkward kiss (Japanese men are stiff kissers) and he went to his knees to suck me.

The odd thing about having sex with someone who you don't speak their language is trying to figure out limits. After a bit it was clear that he just wanted to pleasure me. Attempts I made to stroke him or suck him - were rebuffed. I think he didn't want to cum - so he could go play with others - and I have to say he had a soft and sweet mouth. In fact it was almost too soft and hot - it was delicious torture. I had to pull him off a couple times because I was getting too close and I wasn't sure he wanted me to cum in his mouth. I ended up cumming while he stroked me and even though I tried to reciprocate he wasn't interested...

Unmotivated

In the months that I have blogged I sometimes post alot and sometimes let it go for weeks. The one thing that bums me out is in all this time I have gotten one comment.

It shouldn't matter but it really would motivate me more if I know someone was reading!

Therapy Update

I reluctantly go to see a shrink.

The reluctance may be in part because I am one of the sanest people I know.

I know the adage that an alcoholic is the last person you should ask if they have a drinking problem. So its hard for a meshugener to assess their own sanity. However, I feel like I am a pretty sorted, grounded person. I started going because of some relationship issues and the profound alienation I feel from the gay-community. However, now that I have gone for over a year I have begun to realize that I carry around some baggage from my childhood is not completely healthy ways - that may explain some of the goofy things I do in my relationships and why I spend way too much on-line.

IF you have never gone to see a shrink - I highly recommend it, but with the caveat that finding a good shrink is hard. This is my third attempt at therapy, the two other times I went a couple times an found it a complete waste of time. This time I was really careful, asking around, doing short phone interviews with a number of therapists and pushing hard to find someone who I felt I could click with. The key is having some sense of what you want out the of the experience. For example I am very verbal - I can clearly articulate what I am feeling but I definitely need someone to challenge what comes out of my mouth. I was looking for someone who wasn't just a "listener" but someone I could have a dialogue with and would be pretty active in the process. Many shrinks don't go there - so makes sure you ask. Also have some sense about the issues you want to talk about. Some head-shrinkers will advertise if they are into gay/lesbian issues. I am about 80% sure my guy is a member of the tribe, but he is definitely savy on the issues. Last, don't be passive about what is happening during your sessions - one of my best sessions happened after a particularly bad session where I felt the Doc was phoning it in - so I told him that at the beginning of the session and we had a great conversation about how it could have been better. There are times when he has said something that I felt was applying his judgement or values on things - a good shrink won't be offended, but will engage with a better approach.

Hope this helps.

Maybe next time I will babble about some things I have learned about myself.

Strange times in a Japanese Bath house

One of the wonderful things about Japan is soaking in a sento, onsen or rotonburri. For those who have never been a sento is a neighborhood bath house - nothing sexual where you go and soak in a hot bath. An onsen is similar but fed by a natural hot spring. A rotonburri is usually naturally hot spring fed but outside.

Now merge these wonderful institutions with a more typical gay sauna/bathhouse experience and it has the possibility of being a lot of fun. Now I am trying to be culturally sensitive, but to a westerner, intimate relations in a foreign country can be a delicate act - especially in Japan where social clues are often hard to read for an American. One attitude is to damn the torpedos and just be an American and if they don't like it ... fuck'em. I try to never to be the "ugly american" and observe or read about cultural norms and then try to live within the rules (when in rome ...) So the first bit of cultural knowledge that overshadowed my experience is the Japanese reticence around foreigners. So its important not to come on too strong or aggressive. On my end I don't have a particular fetish for Asian men - my dictum is a hot guy is a hot guy - but don't tend to go for any particular racial group. I went because I like gay bathouses - if I get off cool - but I wasnt' particularly jonesing for asian tail.

Oh one more strange thing. There is a video room - on the tv was some japanese gay porn. However, it was two older fat middle aged business men having sex. Very odd and not stimulating!

This particular night I was first and foremost looking to unwind after a long day walking and being a tourist, so a hot soak, steam and sauna were in order. Japanese bathouses also serve as a crash joints for guys who stay out too late - so upstairs are sleeping rooms where some fucking goes on but a lot more sleeping happens. The first odd thing is I went upstairs to take a short nap. I covered myself up - faced away from the room and was clearly sleeping not looking for nookie. I dozed off at one point had a sense of someone leaning over me feeling me up. I rolled over groggy and gestured that I wasn't interested and dozed away. This happened a couple times and I gave up on sleeping. Getting up I had the vague feeling of being violated. Being groped in my sleep is not my idea of a good time. I met up with my partner and we headed out, but when I told him - he said that is a very Japanese thing - the pleasuring of someone who is pretending to be sleeping.

We came back another night and I was more in the mood to have some fun.

Read part two ...

Sugar Challenge

I just spent time on vacation in a country where all the ice tea is unsweatened.

Imagine going into your local 7/11 and if all the space devoted to soda was instead filled with varieties of tea (mostly green) all without anything added. The cultural tastes must lean this way because it sells - which then begs the question of why we drink such sweet things. In fact everything is sweeter in America - do some traveling and you will notice that chocolate and pastries in other countries are not as sweet. Its as if we are a country who is jacked up on sugar. Given American obesity and diabeties rates its clearly a national disaster.

So what do I want?

First, I want options! I want to be able to find drinks that contain neither sugar or articificial sweeteners! I want the option of a dessert that isn't just sugar that has the correct balance of pastry and sweet.

Second, I don't want my insurance dollars and tax dollars feeding a corporate and cultural stupidity about food health. If we, demand that the government demand that manufacturers lower the sugar content of their food by 2% a year over the next 5 years! Slowly weaning the American addiction - learning to enjoy the taste of food just a little less sweet.

I know I am dreaming - but I can but hope!

How low will you go?

What would you do to have a night of sex with a total hot sexy, model quality man?

I am a very visual person - I admit that I get off on having sex with guys with great bodies. It doesn't happen very often - but when the last time I did (about a year ago) I thought to myself how hot it was. In that case it didn't hurt that he was a very nice guy who happened to be a great lover.

The other day I was working and absently logged into a gay chat room. I get hit up by a local guy who is married that sounded very hot. Younger married gym stud - I got instantly hard. Since he was local we talked about what we would do if we got together. It was a hot chat, but something about left me uncomfortable. There was an under tone of domination - the married hot stud making the fag be his slut. Actually, that was no undertone - he actually said things like that - I played along for a bit and then got a bit belligerent back. He hung in there for a bit. I told him he had to earn the right to fuck me. And I pushed to see how far I could go. See if he would kiss, let me rim him possibly even fuck him. He kept protesting his ass was off limits - he was a total top - I guess eventually I pushed too hard and he logged off with no explanation - which was fine by me -

It just got me thinking, how low will you go to have sex with a hot man? Should I let go and lower my defenses and be the submissive fag that some guys like? Even though I tend to bottom - I have been accused of bottoming from the top - as if I need to be in control? Or do some guys not have enough self respect to make sure that sex is equal. That no matter the sexual position everyone deserves respect?

For now - I defend my position - that I aint no manpussy, man cunt or whore. Just cause sometimes I let a guy fuck me - he better fuck me like the prize that I am. And if isn't willing to roll over after wards and share the joy - then forget it. Don't get me wrong some guys don't like being fucked - but then again - sometimes in the offering its all that counts.

Random Thought on Procreation Instincts

So the other day a friend emails me and says he hasn't had sex in ages and it was cool cause the less he gets then less he wants it. So I thought - in his embrace of the idea that "the less one has of sex, the less one desires it" - there is an implied value in being released from the desire for sex. That we can rise above our lust and be better for it.

Something about that idea just rubs me wrong.

Maybe I lived a repressed sexually denied existance for too long and just won't tolerate it anymore.

I think that sex can be a wonderful element in our lives both for increased intimacy/spirituality and just physical abandon - pleasures of the flesh can be a drug and can be obsession - but they also can be better than chocolate - caught up in all of this is self-image, confidence, need for touch, longing for acceptance, love, belonging. Deep in the calculation of sex (which I am struggling to deal with) is our inherant desire to procreate - as gay men - we still have that energy - and how it manifests itself it a very complex thing.

If we are all hardwired to procreate - the need to plant seed per se - as gay men who are not having sex to create babies - how does that balance out in our psychic desires? Could that partially explain the love of cum, barebacking and other dangerous behaviors? Or is it simply that we are made as men to shoot a fair bit and we need to know what to do with this energy.

Hot Email

I had the following email exchange the other day ... it made me instantly hard! This actually about 5 emails ...

"Hey -I do have fond memories of rimming your smooth, hot hole and fucking a couple of loads out of you (sorry to be so crass!) and anytime you're in a "mood" just give me a ring. It turns me on to eat certain asses, but it's something I almost never do (for all the obvious reasons) and was just having a pleasant memory....whatever.

I'm not proud, mister. I'll take seconds anytime---nicely warmed up, throbbing and twitching for more.

Oh good. That was the idea. Well, in any case, I got hard writing it and thinking about IT. The pulsing hole, slippery and wet from having been eaten out and tongued. But now I have to try and HIDE this big ole hard-on so I can go teach my class.

Made it through class and now in office where problem starting to return in form of thickening cock, filling up pouch of underpants, pushing it out to big bulge. Feel so heavy and thick in there. If I stand up, it'll swing and rub against thigh.

Yes, now that I have imagine of eating your puckering hole in mind, cannot get it out. Want to spend a long time on it, teasing it and making it pulse and throb until it's aching and aching to be filled with big thick cock.

Imagine if you were sitting on my face with my tongue in your ass, squirming and wriggling your ass back and forth to get optimally licked and probed, while I reached up and played with your nipples and the precum started drooling and oozing out of your cock head. That'd be even more distracting."

There is a lot I could say about this, but the one thing I will say is that all my life I have practiced safe sex until I got tested with a bf and we agreed to be monogamous. The intimacy of that initial encounter was intense and it was something that gets forgotten in all the sub-culture of the bareback world. That being said - there is something I find hot about fucking a cum-sloppy hole or being fucked with a load already in me. Don't think I will ever get that piggy - but the thought is hot!

Grow up Obama supporters

I am an NPR junkie and follow politics like some people follow sports. Recently, I keep hearing Obama supporter whining about the "democratic establishment". They seem to think it was a big plot that Hillary Clinton won the Ohio and Texas primaries. They seem to feel like the Clinton campaign is part of an evil empire trying to stop their man from spreading the gospel.

All I have to say to frothing at the mouth Obama supporter - GROW UP!

Don't get me wrong, I like Barak Obama. I am a loyal democrat who would vote for him if he is the nominee - I just happen to think Hillary Clinton will make a better president. She has her faults, but so does our man Obama. Don't mistake the rhetoric for the fact that he is a politician. Obama supporters like to think he is something different - but in my mind he isn't raising the millions of dollars without being in bed with big money the same way all politicians are. It is a fact of life. My support for Clinton is based on a belief that she will navigate the fine line between ideals, rhetoric and practical politics better than Obama.

Part of being a mature adult is being able to non-emotionally deal with the facts on hand and accept reality. Sometimes I think Obama supporters are addicted to the dream. Like believing in Santa and the Tooth Fairy.

You Owe Me

Here is a little fantasy ...

You Owe Me

A buddy said that to me the other day on-line and my mind started racing on how I would like to make it up to him. I think my fantasy would go something like this:

I leave you a voice mail telling you to come over to my house and let yourself in. Sitting in the living room are some cold brews and a note telling you to help yourself and come upstairs and get naked. The room is dim only lit by candles. I wait until you undress relax propped up on pillow on the bed and I come in, wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt with a plate of appetizers. Smiling at your hot body, you long legs barely fitting on the bed. I bring an egg roll slowly to your lips and feed you. As you eat it I move to the foot of the bed and start massaging your feet. Working my fingers around your heal, bridge and toes I massage you. Fingers start up your calves working your muscles. Picking up your foots I let my fingers work over your legs and bring your big toe to my mouth. Looking you deep in the eyes I suck in your toe, slowly rolling my tongue around it like a small cock – fingers sliding up and down your leg. In turn I suck in each toe, and hold it in my mouth and then move down to the next. Putting down your leg I move to feed you some more, this time coming in for a slow kiss sharing the food and tongue. As we kiss my fingers massage your shoulders. I let my tongue slip from your mouth and let it trace you nipples. Twirling around one and then the other – lightly teasing the nub. I let my tongue move down your midsection, planting kissing and licking until I hit your belly button and then I trace its outline before plunging my tongue inward, swirling around your innie. Moving downward I kiss around your bush, burying my nose at the base of your cock. My mouth nudging the crook of your thigh, sucking right next to your balls. Pushing your legs open I lick each ball before running the tip of my tongue up your cock, open wide and swallow you until your cock hits the back of my throat. I hold your fat cock back there, squeezing and sucking – feeling your hard cock throb in my mouth. Then very slowly I pull my lips tight to the shaft and slowly move up it. My eyes look to your face to see your reaction until I get to the head and run my tongue around the crown. I grip it by the base and worship it with my tongue, flicking around the slit before opening wide and sucking you back deep again. Holding you cock at the base of my throat I slowly slide both hands up your chest and squeeze your pecs, rubbing your nips with my thumbs. Each time I squeeze I move down your cock and suck it up to the head again.

Suddenly I feel your hands on my head holding it there as you pump into my mouth. I relax my lips and let your thrust into my mouth. In and out, my saliva oozing down your shaft on to your balls. My fingers release your pecs and I bring them to your balls, feeling them starting to draw up I pull my mouth off your cock and look down at you. Standing next to the bed I slowly undress putting on a strip tease for you, shaking my ass cheeks as I lower my sweat pants.

Naked I straddle you on the bed. Kiss you deep and rub your cock head on my hold – your cock oozing. Sitting up, I position your cock and slowly start to sit on it – your bare cock popping into my tight hole. Pausing I breathe deep, and keep sitting down until you are all the way in. Smiling down at you, I take a deep breathe, squeeze my ass muscles and slowly start to milk your cock. You open your mouth to say something and I put a finger to your lips – “I know I owe you … I hope this is payment enough … and tonight I am all yours.” I squeeze my ass muscles once again, relax and sit up letting your cock slide up and then sit down again and begin to slowly ride you. Each time I hit bottom I pause and squeeze my ass muscles milking you.

Movies and TLC

I am starting to feel better ... spent Saturday sleeping after a visit from the bf who brought over lots of drugs, herbal cures and love. Today I had to get out of the house so we went to the mall - for a short visit to the bookstore and Best Buy. After which I was treated to lots of TLC. Was made bowls of soup, tea, took a nap and treated to a little light gay dvd fest. We watched "another gay movie" and "Adam&Steve" - both made me laugh. "Adam&Steve" was especially touching and a good movie to see with someone you love - yes I am sucker for a romantic comedy especially a gay one with a screwy jewish guy!

Sick and Playing Games

I am sick.

Not bad - just the coughing, congested, I sound like Lauren Bacall kinda cold. I haven't been sleeping too much either. Just slightly more than normal. However, today is Saturday and we had 10" of snow dumped on our fair city last night; so I thought I would have some more herbal tea, pop some more zinc and go back to bed. If I can't sleep maybe I will pull out a "firsthand" and hump the bed - and then sleep.

The game I am playing is seeing when the bf will call. He got back from a business trip last night - I IM'd him and he said he had to get out a report he would get back to me. That is the last I have heard from him. I know it is an immature child game to wait to see when someone you want to call you will call - but hey I am 42 and I reserve the right to act 8!

Part of what set me off is to of my out of town buds - who I chat with on IM - kept gushing how I should go and be taken care of by the bf. It pissed me off for two reasons. One - the passive sense that I need taken care of - its a little cold and I can take care of myself (note to self - this is another example how I refuse to let myself be submissive and bristle at loss of control even though I like to think of myself as SO NOT a control freak). Second - I knew the bf wouldn't rush to take care of me - its not that he is loving - its just that he had such a fucked up childhood that his paternal instincts are all screwed up.

Feel free to call me meshugener - I am!

Blog crossroads

I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do with this blog. Part of it has been a careful balance between trying to stay anonymous and using it as a forum to publicly work out issues. However, since I was trying too hard to stay anonymous it just became random. I thought a lot about the blogs I like to read and those blogs you get to know someone and understand their issues. So today is the cross roads where I tell all and just let it hang as it may be.

Like most guys I had a sense I was gay in my teens. Like too many men I repressed this until I was much older. I tried to date women but my heart wasn't into it and was pretty much a virgin until my mid-20's when I dated one woman and had sex. We dated for two years but in reality what I wanted was a man. When we broke up - I sort of fell in on myself and found the internet. I sort of began to express myself in gay internet chat rooms. One night I had this incredible chat with this hot sounding guy. I found out he lived within a couple hours and sort of panicked. We reconnected a couple months later and again had an incredible sexual charged chat. Over time we moved from the anonymous chat room to MSN messenger and chatted twice a day. Then one day we took a big leap and met for dinner, which evolved into making out in the car, which evolved into a hotel room, which ended up my first sex with a guy at the age of 34.

I drove home at 4 am on cloud 9. The one thought in my head was that I just had sex with a man and no one knew. All these years of being repressed and hiding and for what. Fear of discovery? No one needed to know. I could do this and be free! Of course in the course of a week I told my closest friends including the last woman I had dated. Of course I was head over heals in love and when the whole thing crashed and burned witht he first guy I was distraut - but I got over it. And began to explore what it meant to be a gay man.

Now its 8 years later. I have had two -six month relationships and am currently in year six of my third. In some ways I feel like I am with the man I will grow old with, but some things about where I am keep me very restless. Mostly sexually - we have some real issues when it comes to sex and so now I find myself very much in love with someone and finally out and gay, but not enjoying sex. Sometimes I look elsewhere for sex and sometimes I just try to explore what I want out of life.

What is most important is that I am learning about myself. About a year ago I decided to see a shrink. For anyone who had ever wanted to sort stuff out I highly recommend it but it is not an easy process to find a shrink you click with and slogging it through the personal discovery process is even harder. So from now on this blog will try to be more focused on my life - sometimes what is going on in my life sexually, sometimes my fantasies, sometimes issues I am wrestling in therapy and sometimes I will just rant!

Hot Chat

One of my obsessions is chatting on some of the gay chat rooms like menchats.com or joechat.com. They are filled with closeted, married and bisexual men. Some of them post profiles that are too good to be true and others are real, but have no other outlet for their sexuality because sites like gay.com are just too scary.

So today instead of working I chat with this guy - his profile "PitMuscle" said 6'1" 190, musc/masc pierced nips - 17" biceps love getting my pits worked. We had chatted before and I knew he was fun and could actually visualize a scene and be responsive. So we went at it, I was hot and aggressive in the chat - saying that I would pin him against the wall - kiss him deep and lick his pits and chew on his nips. What transpired was a hot chat - that had me fucking him hard and deep alternately kissing him, chewing on his pits and tugging at his nipple rings all the while slamming into his muscled ass. I must have been pressing his buttons right because after about 45 minutes of a hot scene - we both blew and kept going at it. Rarely do guys want to continue, but this guy wanted me to stay inside him and we probably kept at it for another hour, him describing riding me, then me spooning him so I could eat his pit, stroke him and continue to fuck him. The incredible part is after all that - he wanted to fuck me - which I typically wouldn't have an objection to - but had to get going. If I could have figured out how to copy text from the volcano chat window (control C didn't work) I would have shared the trascript ...

Blow to my ego

So, I like to think I am handy around the house. My Dad fixed most things and I generally am good with tools. I enjoy getting dirty and taking thing apart. Today I attempted to replace the anti-scald cartridge on my shower - should have been simple. Right now I am waiting for a plumber because I can't get everything back and the shower on without creating a leak. This is a blow, because it should have been easy.

Lets hope the plumbers cute - now that can spawn some fantasies - hot plumber shower - mmmmmmmmmmmm

Rambling and Chewing Gun while walking

When I am walking from here to there or driving I keep thinking of things to post and then when I get to my destination I either don't have the time or don't feel like sitting down and blogging - so today I thought I just babble.

First - could I have used the word " whilst" instead of "while" in the title of this post? It sometimes comes off as pretentious when Americans use words that people in the UK commonly use - but I really like the word "whilst" but not completely sure I use it right.

Second - been thinking a lot about sex (I know who isn't), but a fair bit about what's missing in my life. Bit of context here. Met up with this guy for the second time - first time was great, lots of hot kissing and really tender play. Guy was my age - the kinda body that could be much better if he lost 15 lbs but definitely worked out - must spend too much time traveling for work and eating in nice restaurants. And for those of you who are size queens he had a ballistic missile of a cock. Fat on the bottom tapering and big. Since I am not a size queen I liked that he liked to kiss a lot while fucking and let me be the aggressive bottom that I can be when I am in the mood to be fucked. Anyhow, for the second time I just wasn't into it, midway through the fuck I lost my hard-on and tried to be a good sport and make sure he was having a good time, but I left without getting off. So the question is what was going on in my head. Part of me wants to be a carefree sexual person into getting off with hot guys - but the other part of me becomes disconnected and alienated from the act.

Third - Hillary or Obama? Although I am happy that I voted for Hillary - part of me thinks that Obama represents the future and that our best chance to beat McCain is Obama. His ability to generate enthusiasm from independents is very cool. In the end I just think Hillary will make the better president.

Like a Trance

"Good sex is like a trance." My shrink was saying as I was talking about my feelings about not being present during sex. I was trying to describe this image in my head about the easy confident sexual energy during the moment that seems to elude me. My mind shifts and I am not present, not experiencing - not enjoying. In some ways this is a good analogy to what I am feeling in a lot of my life.

I have this image in my head of two college jocks completely out of their minds in lust - in a completely mindless fuck, sweating, pounding, lost in some sort of sexual trance.

Is that what he is talking about?

What do I feel?

Last night I had a strange dream -like all dreams it started in one place and kept morphing into other things. I know at one point I was in a large museum looking at Budhist icons - some were modern interpretations of the Buddha. I kept looking at these images and in my dream felt such sadness. I stood at the museum and walked around and would pause at the statues and start crying. Not just a little cry, but a real deep soul wrenching sob. When I woke up that saddness stayed with me. Thinking now - I am trying to remember what was going on in that dream. Was it death? Was it the human condition? Was I crying for myself?

So tonight I met this guy at a hotel. The other time we met we had a fabulous make out session and I rode him and it was great. Tonight I couldn't stay hard - parts were hot, but I wasn't present. At some point I focused on making sure he had a good time - because I knew my mind was not into it and I was not going to get off. It was like I wasn't completely there.

Now I am trying to figure out what I am feeling. Its like I don't know how to be in the moment anymore - its like obligation and duty and keeping other people happy has taken over and I don't know who I am anymore.

Dry spell

Like everyone I have been busy with work and some volunteer stuff and just trying to find time to workout and keep fit. Of course it hasn't helped that I had to have my car towed twice in the last two weeks. Being busy my nights have mostly been spent cuddling on the couch or crashing in bed and sleeping like two bears in a cave. Unfortunately, when I get to work and get to a lull in my day I am crawling the walls I am so horny. If a bud IM's me at the office and even hints at something sexually - I am rock hard. I feel like logging on to manhunt and finding a lunch time fuck. Of course between work schedules and reality I would never do it, but man do I need some sex.

Don't you want me Baby?

I was reading London Preppy (http://londonpreppy.blogspot.com/) and he wrote the following:

So I have been in a relationship for 2 – 2 ½ years now and of course I haven’t been looking around to meet guys and I haven’t even been making myself available. And in the last few months I have become almost isolated as well, not going out to bars, clubs, anything. So I kinda feel like nobody fancies me anymore, nobody has a sexual interest in me. And I know it’s very shallow, but at the same time it’s human nature and everyone wants to feel attractive.

It really got me thinking. I get a ton of love and affection from my bf - and at the same time I am almost compulsive about looking at the hot men on sites like dudesnude.com and bigmuscle.com. I sometimes put myself out there in ways that could endanger my relationship and hurt my bf (which would be much worst). This kind of reckless behavior for validation is probably unhealthy. Now recognizing that I do it may be the first step in more positive behavioral adjustment that could lead to a healthier me. At the same time change may require an honesty that I do not have. It may be leading the openly sexual life that may be to scary to embark on.

Okay gang - this is the sick part - acknowledging this simultaneously makes me calm and excites me. I don't think it is the danger? Maybe I am just meshugener?

Part of me thinks that I should have a long discussion with the bf and work out how we are going to satisfy me. The other part of me thinks that the less he knows the better and that I am not getting any younger and I should just resolve to have more sex. Of course this kind of thinking is dangerous - because it leads to deceit, running around and possibly job loss. Ah well, nothing to fret about now.